I just read Tammi's post about her issues with food. It made me incredibly sad ... because I too have issues with food. I guess a lot of people do. But even a good face can't erase the food demons. The body image demons scream even louder most days.

You see, I grew up the fat girl. I have never known what it was like to be skinny. There are pictures of me as a kid before I was old enough to be in school where I am thin. But once you get to the third and fourth grade, the time that I can begin to remember, the pictures portray a fat girl. The teasing that I remember was aimed at a fat girl.

When I was young, it was "baby fat" that I would "grow out of" ... but I never did. By junior high, I wore clothes from Lane Bryant. I was not in fashion, for any age group, let alone my own. In order to find a dress for my 8th grade graduation I had to go to a special "fat lady" store. My dress was a Woman's 1X. I looked like I was wearing a big pink tent with lace.

The weight just kept coming on. I was as awkward as any freshman I suppose but my anxiety and depression made me feel like I was the only one. Compounded by the fact that I didn't really have any friends to speak of. By my sophomore year, I was at Weight Watchers meetings every Saturday morning. They helped a little, but not much ... and certainly not in a lasting way. My prom dress was more black fabric than I ever hope to see again. Again, not even close to fashionable for prom.

I'm sure there are a lot of factors that contributed to the reason why, but the weight just never went away. Before I knew it, I weighed 215 pounds. And at only 5'9" ...

Over a year and a half or so I was able to lose a total of 50 pounds by learning to like new types of food, by learning to give into a craving with a bite (not a whole cake), by being conscious of not only what I was eating but how I was eating and realizing the psychological effect of foods.

Most of those 50 pounds has stayed off ... but not all of it ... and I want to lose 25 more, at least.

I have massive anxiety about eating with people I don't know very well. At parties or gatherings with strangers, I hardly eat a thing because I feel the eyes watching, judging, waiting to tell me that my food choices are why I am so fat. At get togethers with a buffet, I've been known to be too scared to get my own food and had a boyfriend get it for me.

There are still days that I take out my contacts or refuse to put on my glasses, just so I don't have to see myself naked in the mirror. I hate myself naked. I disgust myself. I only have boobs because of the fat. I am a hideous pear. I have more stretch marks than some women who've had three kids. No amount of exercise will give me a flat, toned midsection. The extra skin and kangaroo pouch are a permanent reminder of my painful, lost youth. My body is forever ruined. I will never know the simple pleasure of living in a young, nubile body.

Some days I ask myself, why watch what you eat if you'll never be who you want to be? And those are the days I'm glad I don't keep much food in my house.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:37 AM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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