First, I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments and e-mails. I haven't been able to read them without crying yet, but I know that time is coming. I am hoping to share my struggle without alienating those with the best of intentions, but that may happen. Because there was a second part to Tuesday's entry...

There's always the anger...

Over the years, through all of the thinking and the pain that comes out of rape, I really have grown to be fairly angry inside. There's no other label for it, no other expression for it, and I see no way around it, despite the toxicity that it brings to my life. Maybe it's just a stage I'm in as I learn to cope. But on the grief scale of life, there are really only a few issues that get me really fired up. more...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 06:55 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 I agree with everything you say.... we all do care and if there is anything we can do for you all you have to do is ask... Katie

Posted by: katie at January 26, 2006 10:54 AM (wZLWV)

2 thanks for the e-mail this a.m. I was beginning to worry...I am here girl....I will even shut my mouth and listen!!

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at January 26, 2006 12:45 PM (wHEBQ)

3 Good girl. Give 'em Hell, Cat. And seriously consider looking into California's statute of limitations. Justice might not be a cure, but it might just be a first step down that road. If there are others, and you're sure that they are, perhaps you'd be helping them and showing them what you've learned. Maybe, just maybe, they would come forward, too. Failing that, maybe a good dose of publicity would do the scumbag some good. But if one thing is apparent from this post and the last one, particularly the comments, it's that you have a lot of good friends. You're lucky that way. A lot of people in that position don't. No matter what you decide to do, you have my best wishes and hops for the future.

Posted by: skippystalin at January 26, 2006 03:04 PM (ohSFF)

4 You're absolutely right. Rape is rape. Our society softens the words. Sexual molestation. Lewd and lascivious. That's all BS. If it's against your will, it's rape. Period. This is the first time I have visited your site and your pain hits home. Feel free to drop me an e-mail anytime. I have been through similar experiences. And I know how to listen. Sometimes it's just what you need.

Posted by: Sticks at January 27, 2006 06:51 PM (OKM1O)

5 After reading of your experience, I realized that I have not taught my 16yo daughter what she can do if she is ever in that situation. As an experienced martial artist, I have the knowledge that may help her. I know that even if she succeeds in defending herself in an assualt, she will always have the experience of being assualted. I think there is little emotional difference between a successful assault and one where the offender is fought off. The defender is still scarred for life. All I can do is arm my little girl with knowledge and hope she remains ok.

Posted by: _Jon at January 29, 2006 01:35 PM (/R7YK)

6 Cat, I know the rage, fear, frustration and emotional remnant from this vicious act of which you write of. I am writing to let you know that someday it may be possible to be free from that imprisonment. For me it's been years since I've had flashbacks and nightmares, but I admit it wasn't easy getting there. It took willingness not to give up and lots of emotional work to reclaim my life and a future free from the pain and anger and memory of the vicious attack. Below I've posted a small list of resource links that will offer you some support and links to resources where I live. The information they provide is helpful and you might be able to find similar information within your own state. I share this with you so you too can continue to empower yourself and break free from the pain, shame and anger you write of. Please feel free to email me and we can then exchange numbers and talk. You've taken the first big step in talking about it. That is a HUGE step and one I commend you for. It took me more than 8 years to finally talk about it and seek help. But once I did I started on a path where I could move past being "whatever" in other's eyes and in mine. Please, whatever you do, don't withdraw, don't go back to that dark place you were before, because that is a place that will continue to perpetuate your imprisonment. Yes, everyone does mean well, but only survivors can know the self-defeating mechanisms we create to keep us safe and which no longer serve us once we're in the light. As Harvey said, new tools are needed. Yes, we arm ourselves with new weapons because the battle now lies within, and with the help of those who have moved beyond our pain you will learn how to be free yourself too. www.rainn.org Rape Abuse and Incest National Network is a national organization devoted to issues surrounding sexual assault. www.ariany.org Awareness of Rape and Incest through Art (ARIA) is an organization that believes in empowering and healing survivors of sexual abuse by transforming internal suffering into works of art. ARIA provides a forum for self-expression while spreading awareness of sexual abuse and creating a community among survivors. www.giftfromwithin.org Gift From Within is an international organization for survivors of trauma. www.nycagainstrape.org The New York City Alliance Against Sexual Assault is an umbrella organization uniting hospital-based programs, law enforcement and criminal justice professionals, and other social service providers interested in combatting sexual assault. www.nyscasa.org The New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault is an Albany based agency that represents all the organizations in New York State with a common goal.

Posted by: Michele at January 29, 2006 09:43 PM (beN4P)

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WARNING: The following is a very personal post about actual events.

On the night of January 24, 1998, America stood on the eve of Super Bowl XXXII. Football fans everywhere anxiously awaited the battle between the Denver Broncos and the Green Bay Packers.

Before that night, I was an awkward, late blooming 17 year old high school senior of the purest breed.

Since that night, no shower has ever made me feel completely clean, no heat has made me feel completely warm, no embrace has made me feel completely loved.

Eight years ago today, my innocence was stolen away from me. more...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:32 AM | Comments (22) | Add Comment
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1 I feel your pain. I was raped at age 7 by my father and molested until I was 16. There are no words to describe the hurt and betrayal when there is no one to protect you. People who have not been through the same do not understand and show that in so many different ways, as your parents did. Please just know that there is hope. There are people that care and can help. Please reach out to someone. Look to those who have been through the same, that have persevered and have taken control. Please know that you can triumph and that none of this was your falut. You can find peace.

Posted by: Pam at January 24, 2006 08:18 AM (RyVfE)

2 turn off, go take care of yourslef, call when you can or need too....

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at January 24, 2006 09:28 AM (DKoOu)

3 If you evr need to talk I am here to listen...if you ever need a hug I am right outside dc...please know you arent the only one and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I am sorry..sorry that this happened to you...sorry that the monster took your inoocence...and Im sorry that your the one paying for it and not him.Im sorry that your parents didnt know how to handle it andthat you to this day are still tyring to deal with it alone. Im even more sorry that you feel alone. Please know that if you need a friend to listen I am here katie

Posted by: Katie at January 24, 2006 12:08 PM (E+7PI)

4 ... I am angry.. why did someone not beat that motherfucker's head into mush... damn, I am angry... ... I wish there were something I could do for you... now or then either...

Posted by: Eric at January 24, 2006 04:34 PM (r5XsL)

5 What Eric said. I'm too pissed to write more.

Posted by: Johnny - Oh at January 24, 2006 06:08 PM (aPsUA)

6 I remember you saying something about this to me. I'm not sure when. I never knew all the details, but I suspected as much. I find it commendable that you still support the Marines after what one of them did to you. At least, I believe my memory is correct about that point...

Posted by: Dorothy at January 24, 2006 09:20 PM (i2wOe)

7 A bully, a coward, an animal, and - yes - a criminal. I hope he gets his due and receives multiples of the suffering he has caused you. You sure as hell should not be ashamed or paranoid, for you didn't do a goddamned thing wrong and anyone who judges you in any way for what happened to you isn't worth the time of day. Take care of yourself and hope that life takes care of the animal who did that to you.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at January 24, 2006 09:27 PM (njBz/)

8 I understand EVERYTHING you are saying. thank you for having the courage to speak up. I was raped at 15 and i never prosecuted. thank you also for shining a spotlight on an area of my life i've tried to block away for so many years. its time i deal with all of it once and for all. I hope that you heal and that someday it will be something you don't have to hide.

Posted by: Shelley at January 24, 2006 10:08 PM (iMGjE)

9 What Pam said. There is life afterward, but it does take time and a lot of struggle. You made a big first step by sharing now. Today is almost over...

Posted by: Sissy at January 24, 2006 10:30 PM (gCk3+)

10 I want you to know I don't feel obligated to say this, though I am not a friend~just pretty new to your blog. I really am sorry that this happened to you and that your pain seems as raw today as it was 7 years ago. In what I've read on your blog you are Survivor with a Huge heart and you have brought love, hope and smiles to many people. I realize this doesn't take away your pain but I do hope you know what a blessing you are to other's you meet. It takes a very strong woman to be able to give to others when so much was taken from her. Bless you hun. Thinking of you and sending warm hugs your way.

Posted by: Allhanah at January 25, 2006 05:44 AM (OJoiY)

11 I understand. More than I am willing to write - but if you need to talk, shoot me an email - I'll get you the number. Meanwhile - in time, while the pain never leaves, you'll be able to look yourself in the eye. In time, it won't matter what those other people say. In time, the nightmares go away. I promise.

Posted by: Tammi at January 25, 2006 08:11 PM (lfQya)

12 I can understand to a degree in ways I'll not have the courage to write. But you know how to find me at all hours. I'm here for you.

Posted by: RSM at January 25, 2006 08:20 PM (ODxF4)

13 If there's any justice in the world, he'll end up married to Lorena Bobbit.

Posted by: Harvey at January 25, 2006 09:08 PM (ubhj8)

14 I'm so sorry, honey. Idon't know what else to say...

Posted by: skippystalin at January 25, 2006 09:49 PM (ohSFF)

15 Kill him.

Posted by: barry at January 26, 2006 05:28 AM (kKjaJ)

16 I'm angry, but not for the reasons you expressed in your post. I'm angry because this asshole managed to do what he did in a house filled with people. I'm angry because they did nothing, when their responsibility was to do everything. Everything to stop him. He deserves the pain you feel.

Posted by: David Earney at January 26, 2006 12:13 PM (1douf)

17 Holy crap. Just, holy crap. It wasn't your fault -- no one should have to go through that kind of trauma. And you were a minor, too. I don't want to wish evil on him, but I hope someday you can stomp on his head with a stiletto. Failing that, I wish you the courage to talk about it and to cope with it and to find others who can truly relate. I don't know if it's comforting or disconcerting to know there were others assaulted on that same night. I think you're brave for opening up now and, honestly, you show quite a brave face to the world -- no one would ever know that this has been beneath the surface.

Posted by: dawn at January 26, 2006 09:08 PM (i086L)

18 My heart and soul goes out to you. I know the angry and humilation you feel. I have been in your shoes. It took a tremendous amount of work and pain to get rid of the anger. The best thing you can do is talk to someone to help you work through it. Please drop me an e-mail or comment anytime. I know some wonderful resources you can use. May peace come to you.

Posted by: Sticks at January 27, 2006 06:45 PM (OKM1O)

19 This ain't right. Drop a name.... Be damned sure you drop the right one. From the few times I was around you Cat, the only impression I got was that you were NOT gullable. WERE very damned streetsmart. Very damned smart period. Scary smart to me. I didn't have a problem, or any concern with the way you carried yourself before this post. Men, well, this man, doesn't want a whiner. I'm kinda with Eric, hell, I'm all with Eric, especially Eric, and RSM. Cat, I got here from readin' your latest post, had to see what was up 'fore I made an ass out of myself in that post's comments. As the Dad of a 17 year ol' daughter myself, if I caught wind of somethin' like that happenin' to my first born, you all would be writin' me in prison, and I'd be leavin' this comment from prison. There's probably not alot I have to offer you to comfort you, or to help you, but if you think for a half a second there is, don't you damned hesistate for a heartbeat to ask...

Posted by: RedNeck at January 27, 2006 10:36 PM (tSJ8V)

20 Cat, I'm so sorry you went thru that. A lot of us were molested, I'm finding - I was 12 when my damned evil cousin molested me - but it was not as bad as what happened to you, and it took me forever to get over it. Well here are some hugs from Kansas for you. Hope you get through the darned football season feeling okay.

Posted by: Beth Donovan at January 29, 2006 11:10 AM (9FPYz)

21 Know that you are in my thoughts, and that I can empathize because of what happened when I was 12. If you want or need to talk, drop me a line. May the light shine on you, enfold you, and guide you as you deal with this.

Posted by: Laughing Wolf at January 30, 2006 05:50 AM (5cMH5)

22 At 16 I felt as you did. I have managed to put it behind me in large part because of a wonderful husband, but there are days that it is impossible to put behind me. I feel for you, more than you know. I hope that one day you wake and are filled with light. I hope that one day he rots in hell.

Posted by: oddybobo at January 30, 2006 09:48 AM (6Gm0j)

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Just got off the phone with dad...

His car was broken into last night. His briefcase, gym bag, and a small duffle were all stolen. Important information about multiple aspects of his entire life, whisked away in the night ... all while his vehicle sat, accidentally unlocked, in his very own driveway.

The ironic part? Nearly every key he owned was in that car because he didn't trust them to be safe inside the house.

Those thugs really had some nerve...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:02 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I'm so F*CKING mad I could spit!

But in the interest of all involved, I can't blog about it just now.

Double F*CK!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:18 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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Can we PLEASE get this douche off the news?

Sure, he can QB ... I'll give him credit for his skills ... But that's where it stops.

He's been nothing but a big basket of legal trouble for himself and for VA Tech for far too long. Not to mention a huge embarassment to his brother, Michael. I'm constantly surrounded by Hokies and every one of them has said good riddance to bad garbage since Marcus got himself kicked off the team.

And when fans care more about how much a douche you are than how they will win next seasons games, you've got to be a seriously big douche...

I mean, seriously... He gets kicked off the team, pulls this crap about 'screw - you - I'm - just - going - to - go - pro - and - then - you'll - see,' and now he's arrested for brandishing a firearm... Way to go, Fucktard... way to go...

Someone just throw this dumbass in jail for a little while and save us all the annoyance of having to change the channel everytime a new charge gets added to his record. Maybe being somebody's bitch for a few years will readjust his attitude a little bit.

I think Marcus is in for a rude awakening in the draft and the NFL... I knew a guy with exactly the same attitude once. Threatened to transfer to a rival college because coach didn't let him play his kind of ball. He eventually made it to the NFL... but he only lasted a couple of years on one team, a couple of years on another, and within six he was out ... no fame, no notoriety, no one knew who the hell he was ... Served him right.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:48 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I just spent the last six hours working on Sheila to make her run a little more smoothly. Yeah, six! For a good for nothin new hard drive no less. No, I'm not an idiot... she just wouldn't cooperate.

I swear, you try to give a girl an upgrade and there's just no damn appreciation!

I'm going to bed...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:08 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I'm so bummed to find out my favorite airline has called it quits.

Guess this means paying a lot more for tickets again... Dammit!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:32 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Yeah, I saw the news and thought of you. Those ticket fares were AWESOME while they lasted.

Posted by: Dorothy at January 04, 2006 09:39 PM (i2wOe)

2 Hey, cheer up, I think Hooter's has an airline now. http://www.hootersair.com/ If they're cheap, lemme know. I'm think on goin' to Texas at the end of April...

Posted by: RedNeck at January 07, 2006 03:34 PM (05aMS)

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