It is going to take a lot of time for me to accept that my grandmother is gone and that she was stolen away by some selfish prick with nothing better to do than drink his pathetic life away. I'm incredibly angry at life for taking her now, like this, so unfairly.

But even in death there is still a silver lining, of sorts ... I suppose ... In some sick and morbid way, I'm kind of glad that my grandmother died the way she did - she died being who she was - a helper, a doer, and one stubborn lady.

You see, my grandmother was not your typical lady. Her husband died of cancer over 40 years ago, leaving her to raise 3 kids on her own. After that she designed and built the house she lived in for the rest of her life. She was a school teacher with two Masters Degrees and a world traveler that most military personnel couldn't hold a candle to. There are places that today even young men should be careful about traveling to that she brazenly went to over the last 25 years, even as an elderly woman. She followed protocol and custom, always learning about cultures around the world - I found no less than 5 foreign language dictionaries on just one of her bookshelves. She was a ground breaking woman that did what she thought was right, regardless of how difficult it might be.

Even in her death, she will continue to push the limits of what society has accepted as normal. This time, she will be the center of creating a new local legal precedent. The case brought against the other driver will be the first in the county to be prosecuted under new, stricter, and more lengthy maximum punishments. As tough as it will be, I'm am glad that my grandmother, such a strong woman in life, will continue to help her fellow man through her death.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:15 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 .. glad you are back, Cat....

Posted by: Eric at February 27, 2006 06:15 PM (r5XsL)

2 Wow. Just wow. I hope you are hanging in there; I love the tribute you are able to give your grandmother. And that stepmom of yours? Holy crap. I hope your grandmother will be able to poke that woman around a little bit and straighten her up from where she is. Jesus H, I still can't believe that this is a true story, all of it. I'm so sorry that you had to lose her this way.

Posted by: dawn at February 27, 2006 08:29 PM (D+5+4)

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Naturally, emotions are running high through the whole family right now...

Trying to make arrangements for my grandmother, Dad sat in the very same funeral home that had taken care of his father some 40 years ago, simply by accident. The man across the desk said, "I know your family. My father took care of your father." It was an odd comfort, in a creepy kind of way.

But the creepiest part of all this ...? The step mom...

She flew in last night and will be staying with the whole family in my grandmother's house. My mom and step-mom in the same house ... awesome. But that's not it ... evil stepmom will be sleeping in my grandmother's bed. Maybe I'm the only one that has an issue with this but, in my book, that takes the dysfunctional cake at the moment. She doesn't know a thing about my grandmother, and then there's the fact that my grandmother didn't like a thing about the woman. Over the Christmas holiday, my grandmother did everything she graciously could to avoid going to stepmom's house and only spoke to her when it was impolite not to.

So much for thinking about what grandma would have wanted...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:39 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Thank you to all those who have offered their thoughts and prayers, sympathies and condolences. This whole situation doesn't quite feel real just yet.

Everyone expects that their grandparents (and eventually parents) will pass, it is a part of life that cannot be avoided. It is hard to watch as a body fails those we love, but the body is a fragile thing that just gives out after a while.

I remember being at my great-grandfather's funeral when I was a young child and I remember how it felt when my great-grandmother died 12 years ago, but I've never lost a family member that I am used to spending holidays and special events with.

When my great-grandfather passed I was too young to have any real emotion - in fact, I don't even know how he died. When my great-grandmother passed I remember feeling relieved. She had spent years in a nursing home, suffering with worsening dementia and Lord knows what else. She went to breakfast one morning and fell asleep at the table, where she peacefull passed and went onto a better place.

But this time ... my grandmother was a relatively healthy woman for her age, remarkably so, in fact. Her body was slowly beginning to fail in ways that her peers had experienced years before. She had a good 5 years left of her life to enjoy before she could be expected to suffer the 'hell of getting old.'

I don't ordinarly get angry when someone dies, but this time is different. She didn't reach the natural failure of her body, she was killed. Life brought to her, and to our family, a senseless, meaningless, stupid death that no one deserves.

I keep sitting here trying to reconcile my feelings on this but I keep coming back to the thought that my grandmother's life was stolen away ... she was nothing short of murdered by a selfish man who could think no farther than himself when he got behind the wheel of his truck that night.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:54 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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I got a phone call from my dad last night at 3:30 am. He called to tell me that he and my brother had landed ... they were going to visit my grandmother for the weekend. But that was all he could say before the line went quiet and he handed my brother the phone.

He told me something had happened. I didn't learn the details until this morning.

My grandmother never showed up at the airport last night to pick them up. They called the police to go check on her, but she wasn't at her house. Before they knew anything else, they got a call from the Chaplain at the hospital - my grandmother had been in an accident.

She was hit head-on by an oncoming truck that came into her lane - Carolla vs S-10. Despite her good driving record and her new, safe, little car, the drunk driver was stronger. He fled the scene on foot but was later apprehended by the police.

I had hoped to hear she died instantly, but she had a pulse at the scene. She died either enroute or shortly after getting to the hospital, but before my dad and brother could make it there. My brother said she looked ok though - no largely traumatic injuries that could be seen at least.

But as if a car accident weren't a bad enough way for an elderly person to go, she died alone. That is the hardest thing for me to take right now. She lived alone, she always felt like no one was paying attention to her, and now she has died alone.

My dad has asked me to stay put until the services but none of those arrangements have been made.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:20 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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...I've been asking myself that question for the last 5 days... And then what? The pain, the anger, the confession... And then what?

I've had a really hard time recovering from the spewing of my deepest secret last week. I mean, really ... How does one return to regular blogging after that? It all seems just a little too blah to be read about once the underbelly has been exposed.

Truthfully, I've gone into hiding since last week. Not just on the blog but on email for the most part and via phone. I know I've upset a few people and made others worry far more than necessary, but I have felt very raw. I know everyone that cares about me means well, but I haven't been ready for the "so how are you doing" conversations just yet.

I just want to feel normal again but now I know that everyone knows my struggle. How do you feel normal when everyone else knows your daily life is an emotional roller coaster, no matter how strong a face you put on it?

So I suppose I'm working on "normal"...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:16 AM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
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