Of Course - The Fucked Up Part...

Naturally, emotions are running high through the whole family right now...

Trying to make arrangements for my grandmother, Dad sat in the very same funeral home that had taken care of his father some 40 years ago, simply by accident. The man across the desk said, "I know your family. My father took care of your father." It was an odd comfort, in a creepy kind of way.

But the creepiest part of all this ...? The step mom...

She flew in last night and will be staying with the whole family in my grandmother's house. My mom and step-mom in the same house ... awesome. But that's not it ... evil stepmom will be sleeping in my grandmother's bed. Maybe I'm the only one that has an issue with this but, in my book, that takes the dysfunctional cake at the moment. She doesn't know a thing about my grandmother, and then there's the fact that my grandmother didn't like a thing about the woman. Over the Christmas holiday, my grandmother did everything she graciously could to avoid going to stepmom's house and only spoke to her when it was impolite not to.

So much for thinking about what grandma would have wanted...

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It's Not Quite Real ... Yet

Thank you to all those who have offered their thoughts and prayers, sympathies and condolences. This whole situation doesn't quite feel real just yet.

Everyone expects that their grandparents (and eventually parents) will pass, it is a part of life that cannot be avoided. It is hard to watch as a body fails those we love, but the body is a fragile thing that just gives out after a while.

I remember being at my great-grandfather's funeral when I was a young child and I remember how it felt when my great-grandmother died 12 years ago, but I've never lost a family member that I am used to spending holidays and special events with.

When my great-grandfather passed I was too young to have any real emotion - in fact, I don't even know how he died. When my great-grandmother passed I remember feeling relieved. She had spent years in a nursing home, suffering with worsening dementia and Lord knows what else. She went to breakfast one morning and fell asleep at the table, where she peacefull passed and went onto a better place.

But this time ... my grandmother was a relatively healthy woman for her age, remarkably so, in fact. Her body was slowly beginning to fail in ways that her peers had experienced years before. She had a good 5 years left of her life to enjoy before she could be expected to suffer the 'hell of getting old.'

I don't ordinarly get angry when someone dies, but this time is different. She didn't reach the natural failure of her body, she was killed. Life brought to her, and to our family, a senseless, meaningless, stupid death that no one deserves.

I keep sitting here trying to reconcile my feelings on this but I keep coming back to the thought that my grandmother's life was stolen away ... she was nothing short of murdered by a selfish man who could think no farther than himself when he got behind the wheel of his truck that night.

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A Heartwrenching End

I got a phone call from my dad last night at 3:30 am. He called to tell me that he and my brother had landed ... they were going to visit my grandmother for the weekend. But that was all he could say before the line went quiet and he handed my brother the phone.

He told me something had happened. I didn't learn the details until this morning.

My grandmother never showed up at the airport last night to pick them up. They called the police to go check on her, but she wasn't at her house. Before they knew anything else, they got a call from the Chaplain at the hospital - my grandmother had been in an accident.

She was hit head-on by an oncoming truck that came into her lane - Carolla vs S-10. Despite her good driving record and her new, safe, little car, the drunk driver was stronger. He fled the scene on foot but was later apprehended by the police.

I had hoped to hear she died instantly, but she had a pulse at the scene. She died either enroute or shortly after getting to the hospital, but before my dad and brother could make it there. My brother said she looked ok though - no largely traumatic injuries that could be seen at least.

But as if a car accident weren't a bad enough way for an elderly person to go, she died alone. That is the hardest thing for me to take right now. She lived alone, she always felt like no one was paying attention to her, and now she has died alone.

My dad has asked me to stay put until the services but none of those arrangements have been made.

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And Then What?

...I've been asking myself that question for the last 5 days... And then what? The pain, the anger, the confession... And then what?

I've had a really hard time recovering from the spewing of my deepest secret last week. I mean, really ... How does one return to regular blogging after that? It all seems just a little too blah to be read about once the underbelly has been exposed.

Truthfully, I've gone into hiding since last week. Not just on the blog but on email for the most part and via phone. I know I've upset a few people and made others worry far more than necessary, but I have felt very raw. I know everyone that cares about me means well, but I haven't been ready for the "so how are you doing" conversations just yet.

I just want to feel normal again but now I know that everyone knows my struggle. How do you feel normal when everyone else knows your daily life is an emotional roller coaster, no matter how strong a face you put on it?

So I suppose I'm working on "normal"...

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WRMC: Visit 2

I went to Walter Reed Medical Center again - it felt good. I saw first hand that our wounded are not forgotten by those that could easily brush them off as an inconvenience or a number, if they wanted to.

A highly visible VIP was there visiting the wounded on an individual basis, talking with them and their families, without an entourage. It wasn't a publicity stunt. It was real. It was one human being showing concern for another. It was what mankind should expect of itself. It was munificent.

I also saw SPC Lopez, of whom Blackfive and I have both blogged before. Please continue to leave comments for him and his family and pray for them (if you pray). They need as much love, support, and understanding that we can send their way during this scary and confusing time for them.

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Visiting Walter Reed

As Army Wife, Blackfive, and Andi have all mentioned, we all went to Walter Reed Medical Center on Saturday to visit with wounded troops. I was able to meet with about 5 different guys and some of their family. Each visit was absolutely amazing and personally inspiring.

Chuck and Carren were incredible. They were both full of laughter and stories, showing off pictures of their kids. I secretly think they are both natural bloggers at heart. ;-)

Joey and Jayme may have been one of the toughest meetings for me. They are both doing fantastic - a living reminder of just how far hope, determination, and love can take you. They have beaten the odds on so many levels and in so many ways, but not an ounce of self-pity or bitterness about the trials that most people would feel ever makes its way to their smiling faces.

I listened on as one young, very recently wounded soldier told us about his treatment options and what his likely decision would be. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place with his choices, but he spoke of his decision so easily. For him, the choice was easy - he was going to do what it took to give his little girl the best life he could give her.

The thank you's that these guys and their families said to us though, they were tough. I went there to say thank you for what I didn't have the strength or courage to do for my country and here they were saying thank you to me? Truly inspiring...

Soldier after soldier being placed in the most difficult situation of their lives, yet they keep their hearts in the right place. Even when they have every right to be angry and selfish, they continue to serve as examples to us all with their attitude toward other and their outlook on life.

Thank you, Warriors.
Thank you, Andi, Sandra, & Blackfive.
Thank you, Fisher House, Soldiers Angels, Wounded Warrior Project, Sew Much Comfort, Any Soldier, Books for Soldiers, Homes for Our Troops.
Thank you, to all those that do what they can to make sure these men and women (and their families) know they are appreciated, loved, and most of all not forgotten.

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Mikey Update

It seems that Mikey is making improvements and is moving toward recovery.

Da Goddess, Smash, and a whole slew of people are doing everything they can to help. Looks like all those thoughts and prayers are doing their thing too. Let's keep up the words of support and do what we can to make sure Mikey and his family get through this together.

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Mikey Needs Your Support

I am sad to say, fellow Munuvian and Bear Flag Leaguer, Mad Mikey, has had a stroke.

He needs our hopes, prayers, good thoughts, and anything else positive we can send him to help him recover. Please keep Mikey on your mind as he fights to get better and his wife in your thoughts as she stays strong for him.

Da Goddess is keeping everyone updated on his condition and printing comments from her blog and Mikey's blog as support. Please go help out her efforts to keep everyone in the best spirits possible.

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On Christmas

Despite all the drama this year, I think I may have learned to be a little more of a Christmas kind of gal...

It is the first time in many years that I have finally felt supported and valued. I have spent less of my time feeling alone and abandoned, despite the moments I have found myself in tears. And I owe my blogger friends a great big thank you for that. I probably would not have had the emotional stamina to stand my ground if it were not for their tremendously kind words of encouragement.

Who knows ... maybe a few more years like this and I'll be the 'sphere's next Tammi at Christmas...

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Let's Bring Em Home (pt II)

There is only one more week standing between us and Christmas. I know this because the annoying lady on the radio commercials keeps reminding me in her nagging voice, "until next week... tick tick tick..." Ugh, I could kick her in the teeth most mornings.

But this one week until Christmas means that there's also only one more week to get Ernie's Let's Bring Em Home project to its goal. While he unfortunately can't reunite military in the desert with their families, he's working very hard to bring as many service members as possible to be with their families elsewhere in the States.

So head on over to www.LBEH.org and pay forward a couple bucks of kindness, if you can afford to. That young service member who ordinarily would have spent another holiday alone will really appreciate it.

They are only $3107.85 short, I know we can do this!

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Let's Bring Em Home

Its holiday time and Ernie has rolled out his Lets Bring Em Home project for the fifth year in a row. It keeps growing and growing, bringing home more and more troops, one at a time, to be with their families for the holidays. I'm a little late in getting this up but there is still time for donations. Please take a moment to check it out and help in whatever way you can. If you haven't heard about it, you can read below how Ernie takes donations and uses them to bring junior military personnel together with their loved ones.

This is our fifth year taking donations to purchase plane tickets for junior enlisted military personnel, allowing them the opportunity to fly home and spend the holidays with their families. This program was initially started in December 2001 to show our grateful appreciation to American service members deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom, and has become an annual tradition ever since.

Our heartfelt appreciation to EVERYONE who donated in 2004 and we hope we can count on you this year too! With your help, we hope to reach our goal of $50,000 in donations for Christmas 2005!

Remember, your donations are tax deductible - you can view our non-profit 501(c) info here!

Thank you to everyone who has the money or frequent flier miles to donate, to all those who donanted to Valor-IT, and to all those doing everything they can to help make the holidays a little easier on the men and women in uniform.

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Pearl Harbor Day

Today is the other day we remind ourselves never to forget... to remember those who were caught by surprise and mourn their loss, all those years ago...

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Walk the Line

I saw Walk the Line last night. Let me tell you, it was a hard movie to watch. It was a good movie, but I almost walked out on at least three separate occasions because it weighed so heavy on me that I thought I might never get the tears to stop if I stayed. However, I did stay and was able to manage keeping the waterworks to a minimum.

Earlier yesterday, I read Eric's take on the movie...

Â… the sad thing is, Johnny Cash had everything.. fame, fortune, and blowjobs from adoring bobby-soxersÂ… but he drove himself into the ground because his Pa was an assholeÂ… full of self-pity, the Great Man in Black had the backbone of slow-boiled Cajun shrimp.. at least according to the movieÂ… it took June Carter straightening him up and stroking his ego to save him from oblivionÂ…

I have to say, no disrespect intended, I didn't see things quite the same way. Of course, most everything I now know about Johnny Cash (other than the music) is from this movie, so I could be off in left field picking belly button lint for all I know. But I saw Johnny Cash as someone far from that with a backbone of slow-boiled shrimp. I saw a man more honest with himself than most people I've met today, that lacked the tools and support to constructively manage that honesty. There were no secrets about his pain or where it came from. I saw a man that knew, deep down, that he was worth something with great things to offer. But I also saw a man that saw himself through glasses that, unfortunately, no one else wore. His mirror became their perception. He was abandoned, even in success, and turned to vices for comfort.

June Carter didn't stroke his ego. From what I saw, she elegantly kicked him more times than most any man could ever take. What man today do you know that would keep coming back after all the closed doors and broken dreams? Not many. June Carter didn't straighten him up. She walked away from the self-destructive behavior and refused to be a part of the negative comfort seeking lifestyle he was leading. What June Carter did for Johnny Cash was the greatest thing any person can do for another - she shattered that mirror of other people's perceptions. She wore the glasses he had worn so long ago. She allowed him to see a better reality that didn't need to be escaped.

I will admit, no one is bulletproof, but in my mind, my heros will always be 6 feet tall... You see, my heros are the ones that struggle but manage to get back up again. The ones that can stumble, falter, and fall, but always return with a comeback. The ones that inspire perserverence and determination by their success against adversity, not their luck or aura of Godliness. Anyone that can keep walking forward, no matter how many roadblocks come up or how many times they make the wrong choice, will forever be the tallest person I know.

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Valor-IT

*up top through Veteran's Day (Nov 11)

I have a rediculous soft spot for the military so I have no choice but to join up with Project Valor-IT as they try to raise money this week with a blogger competition fundraiser.

What is Project Valor-IT??
Project Valour-IT, in memory of SFC William V. Ziegenfuss, provides voice-controlled software and laptop computers to wounded Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand and arm injuries or amputations at major military medical centers. Operating laptops by speaking into a microphone, our wounded heroes are able to send and receive messages from friends and loved ones, surf the 'Net, and communicate with buddies still in the field without having to press a key or move a mouse. The experience of CPT Charles "Chuck" Ziegenfuss, a partner in the project who suffered hand wounds while serving in Iraq, illustrates how important this voice-controlled software can be to a wounded servicemember's recovery.

I joined up with team Marines (the studly way they wear those blues only had a little to do with my choice) but you can join up with a team supporting any branch you like. Blackfive has all the details you could ever want on how to help keep a wounded warrior in touch with friends and loved ones.

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Mammovan

October's end is nearing and all the attention it brings to breast cancer awareness is approaching sunset along with it. In fact, I am feeling more than a little guilty that I haven't done anything to celebrate my mom's survival of the horrible disease...but I don't need the calendar to tell me to do that, I should be doing it everday.

To start myself on the right path, I may go visit this event (if work allows)...

The mobile mammography unit operated by the Cancer Research and Prevention Foundation, in conjuction with the George Washington Medical Center is launching tomorrow near the Foggy Bottom Metro. It offers screening to women without access to healthcare and guarantees their care under GW if anything is found.

As a major sponsor unable to attend, Dad has offered my attendance in his place as a representative of the company he works for. It would feel good, but we'll see... If nothing else, it would be nice to see the President (of the foundation) again.

If you are able, stop by and see what benifits sponsorship by evil capitalist corporations can offer to the community.

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I'm Racked...

...with guilt...

Since I started my internship I have been terrible about keeping my cell phone charged. The building I work in saps the battery but I continue to leave it on, just in case. If I'm not at home, it doesn't get charged. This weekend I simply forgot to charge it and the battery went dead. During the time that it was off, a dear friend I haven't heard from in a long while called...

...from Iraq...

I feel just awful that I wasn't there when he wanted to talk to someone back home, some touch with normalcy, or worse...what if he needed some kind of comfort?

The only good part of the phone call was knowing he's ok. During his last deployment I was able to stay in touch via the internet. This time I have heard from him only twice. The last time he messaged and said the truck he had been riding in was part of an IED attack. The time between our communications has been so long that I find myself checking the casualty list for his name at least a couple times a week.

I can't even tell you ... I feel just terrible ...

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Wildfire

Two years ago, I found myself trapped at a hotel, surrounded by a wildfire that ultimately burned major portions of San Diego county and took countless homes. Today, just north of Los Angeles, my family is in danger of facing an eerily similar situation.

A neighborhood near my mom has already been evacuated - mom went to work with everything she wanted to save packed in her van. The only thing she left behind was the cat, whom the neighbors promised to rescue if they were evacuated too.

If the fire turns toward Malibu, my dad's house is likely to be in the direct path. The fire department made the area clear the more brush away from the houses than in past years, but I don't know if that is going to be good enough. He stayed home from work today in case evacuation was necessary; step-mom is still recovering from surgery and preparing for her chemo so she's in no shape to gather up the lives of four people. Dad said that just looking outside his house the sky is dark with smoke. As much as he wished it was just a grand midwestern thunderstorm, it is definitely signs of something much worse.

My brother's place is probably most likely to be the safest of all three right now, but who knows with fire. It has a life of its own and doesn't like to answer to anyone.

I'd like to ask that you please keep my family and the families of all those who stand the chance to lose their homes to this fire in your thoughts as they pray they are among the lucky.

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Unimaginable

Mr Torres, the man who sat by his wife's side each and every day of the three months she was in a coma, only to lose her when life support was removed following the premature delivery of their daughter, has now lost his young daughter as well.

AP has published a story carried by most major networks.

I can't even imagine the pain this man has gone through. To watch them both slowly slip from his life must have been a torture I cannot even fathom.

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9-11 Anniversary

Yesterday, to remember that day, the people who died, those who have and continue to suffer, and those who have fallen in the name of what came following 9-11, I visited the Pentagon. For a few brief hours the damaged wing of the Pentagon that has been rebuilt was open for public tours.

Before we left the metro station there was a Sailor to greet us. He directed us toward the path to the tour that was dotted by additional Sailors, Soldiers, Airmen, and Marines placed to guide people in the right direction. My purse was searched, our wristbands placed securely on the left, and we were on our way.

Just outside our starting point lies a single remaining brick from the attack. Blackened by the raging fires, it stood out as a reminder of what had been. It is engraved with the date of it's injury and behind it lies a capsule filled with various personal artifacts. Inside there is a memorial alcove with black, engraved, wall like dedications to the people that lost their lives. There is a display explaining the purple heart awarded to the military personnel that died and a display explaining the defense of freedom medal that was awarded to the civilians whom also died along side them. Adjoining that room was a small chapel, something the Pentagon lacked prior to 9-11. At the front is a pentagon shaped stained glass window filled with symbolism. 184 pieces of red glass form a ring around an eagle, one piece of red glass for each innocent victim. The remaining elements of our tour of the new E-ring contained glass wall cases filled with handmade offers of condolences and support - from cards of young children to blankets and quilts - not only from our nation but from around the world as well.

It was an honor and a privilege to be part of such a dignified memory to what so many lost at the Pentagon four years ago today.

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Top Dog

I forgot to mention the other day that in the midst of all the trauma and drama going on with the family out in LA that Dad got a promotion!

That now makes him ... drum roll please ...

a Director

He was promoted from Associate Director of the same department I didn't even know he was up for a promotion. And apparently neither did he until a few weeks ago.

Good news for Dad, great news for everyone right now.

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