I am once again in massive cleaning mode ... I've shredded three trash bags full of things and probably come up with about half as much straight trash. And I'm not done yet.

I keep coming across a diary of sorts that I kept during a relationship long since dead and gone. Actually (unfortunately), it is less of a diary and more of a self-therapy notebook. It is full of times when I ran away to cry, he lied to me, I needed a way to verbalize my frustrations with the failing partnership, etc. Truthfully, its a pretty painful memory of how stupid I was. I have no idea if that guy ever found it, read it, or even knows that it exists. I suppose it doesn't really matter though. In any event, I have come across it each time I've gone through one of these phases and I've never thrown it away.

Here's my question dear readers:

Is this one of those keep because you'll want to reflect on your life when you're 85 kind of things or one of those, good riddance to bad rubbish kind of things? Is it a helpful reminder of what it felt like to be that stupid and what not to ever accept in my life again?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:17 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1 I have dozens of those books. Too painful to read 'em over again. I keep thinking maybe they'll be showcased posthumously in the Smithsonian if I ever achieve something significant in my life ... as a warning to others that yes, even smart girls do a lot of fucking DUMB things.

Posted by: dawn at August 21, 2008 08:18 PM (5kgC6)

2 trash it, burn it... do it whilst....trying to forget it... just thank your stars, you did not get a tattoo of his name on your ass, or something more permanent like a wedding ring

Posted by: awtm at August 23, 2008 07:01 PM (YcrEC)

3 I'd say as long as you learned your lesson for it, the best thing to do is shit can it. Good riddance to bad rubbish. On the other hand, if you're given to bouts of impulsiveness in relationships, you might want to keep it as a reminder so you don't fall into the same old bullshit again. ;-) Joe

Posted by: Assrot at August 24, 2008 08:02 PM (lg7BM)

4 It sounds like more of a "grief book" than a diary or journal. If it is, then burn it. Final, once and for all closure.

Posted by: Ted at August 25, 2008 08:17 PM (z/WyR)

5 Have you disposed of this book yet? If you have not, I'll ask one question. Does the re-reading give you any insight into your present condition? If keeping it and finding it periodically helps you recognize how you've grown and moved on then it might be worth keeping. If not, then fire is likely your best option.

Posted by: The Maximum Leader at August 26, 2008 03:40 PM (J0SN6)

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Dear Self,

Chips dipped in cottage cheese does not equal a sufficient or balanced dinner.

And the two cookies and handful (s...) of reeces pieces still count, even though no one saw you eat them.

Oh, and wearing those athletic shorts around the house while trying out your new running shoes does not count as exercise.

Just FYI ...

--Self

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:57 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Have you ever been riding down the road and find yourself conflicted about how much you should care that someone else is about to smack the center divider?

Um, probably not. Let me explain...

My brother just told me he is going to propose to his girlfriend when they go away next weekend (they celebrate the anniversary of the first trip they took together, even though they weren't dating then).

I should be happy for him, right? Right, I should ... but I'm not. I think he's making a mistake. A big one. It isn't really even about his girlfriend anymore. He's just too young, naive, and immature. Although, to be frank, I think the pressure is from her. The P word (pregnant) has been whispered a few times in the last year so I think they have had some scares and she is anxious to have it be more than a scare. Which really is the scariest part ... my brother, a dad ... those poor children. I feel bad for his dogs ... I can only imagine how someone as screwed up as he is will screw up a kid.

Do I at least get points for feeling bad that I'm not happy for him?

Probably not enough to outweigh the bitchy, selfish things I started thinking ... am I going to have to use my precious vacation time for this? will there still be enough money for when/if I get married?*

But back my driving analogy (I don't want to hear about how ironic that is)...

I feel like my brother is that car that is headed straight for the center divider. He has focused so hard, for long, on being my dad's shadow that I think he is blindly following my dad's driving without realizing he's headed for the accident of his life. I know I should put on the happy face and just be another car on the road ... I'm not in the car with him, I'm not going to hit that wall with him ... but he's my brother ... shouldn't I care? Isn't there some kind of familial moral obligation to keep people from doing stupid things? But maybe he'd have to care what I think before that becomes effective ...

Honestly though, as awful as this is going to read in writing, I don't really care what my brother does with his life. I don't miss him and dread seeing him at family events. I gave up on a relationship with him until he grows up because he is so much the proverbial gnat at my picnic. He never wants to hear what I actually think (I know because he's pissed when it isn't what he has scripted me to say), but will ask me what I think about things like this.

To keep peace with the rest of the family, I think a silent smiley face will be in order. Any great advice on how to put/keep that smiley face on?**

*my brother WILL be asking my dad to pay for some of the wedding and my brother knows no such thing as the word no or a budget)

** beyond just not giving a shit, I can probably manage that one on my own

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:35 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 All I can say is just grin and bear it. If you really don't give a shit and you dislike your brother and his bride to be that much then fuck'em. Don't go to the wedding. I am the oldest out of 9 children. I love all my siblings very much. I tried for many years to help them out and gently steer them in the right direction when I saw them headed for the wall at 100 mph. It has never helped in on single instance. So I told them all point blank, to live their life the way they wanted to. I also told them that when I saw a major SNAFU in the making that I would tell them exactly how I felt about it. They could take what I say to heart or tell me to go fuck myself. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'll always love them but I can't live their life for them and I am no longer going to be there for them when the shit hits the fan like I told them it would. Just do what makes you happy but be sure of what that is. When you look in the mirror do you like who you see? That is all that really matters. If I was in your shoes and my brother was going to marry a nitwit and he was also a nitwit, I would not have anything to do with it and I would tell him exactly why. I would not go to the wedding either. Attending such a farce implies your approval of it to all that know you. One of my brothers and one of my sisters made the same mistake years ago. Neither was mature enough for marriage and both were marrying shitheads that would screw them over big time. I told them both so and did not attend either wedding. My premonitions came true as I knew they would. My brother finally grew up and came around and made a decent life for himself once he got out of that mess. My sisters is almost 50 and is still a childish brat that won't talk to me. She thinks I should have been there to help her out of the mess she made. I warned her ahead of time. She could have avoided the wall but chose not to heed anything I said and she paid dearly for it. I'll always love her but I have accepted that she will never grow up and she will probably never forgive me for what she perceives as my fault. Until she grows up, if that ever happens, she can kiss my ass. I hope my rambling helped. If not, at least I entertained you for a few minutes. Have a good weekend. ;-) Joe

Posted by: Assrot at August 01, 2008 04:44 PM (ARCEn)

2 I ran into an old friend who had married a wretch of a woman right around when we stopped talking. We all warned him about it. She was abusive and entitled and just a trainwreck of a human being. 10 years later, he says he knew it was wrong, he knew we were right, and why he put himself through that b.s. (now that he's married to an awesome gal) is beyond him. And he's a really smart dude, too. That said, i just saw wedding photos from another wedding in which the bridesmaid didn't fess up to her hatred of the groom till the DAY OF THE WEDDING. She snarled in every g.d. photo. It's horrible. Everyone looks like they were crying before the wedding and her sour puss will live on forever. But it's the sourpuss who didn't say her peace BEFORE the blessed event whom everyone's going to remember. Even if the groom is a dick. I say schedule your own vacation so it conflicts with it, and air your grievances sooner rather than later. And then go on and live a happy life and know that at least one of you makes good choices and intends to not fuck up one's life at the first available opportunity.

Posted by: dawn at August 01, 2008 05:14 PM (jFpDX)

3 Darling, I too am learning the serenity prayer as a new mantra... I am learning, and it has taken 38 years. And will take 100 more. You had a heart attack, and you want pizza? You filed bankruptcy, and are gonna buy what? the list goes on and on... maybe we can figure out how to sit back and watch train wrecks happen?

Posted by: awtm at August 07, 2008 10:26 AM (Bo2JR)

4 Watched a cousin do the same thing, only he was trying to be like his older brother. No matter what was said, or how it was said, there was no turning him from his path. I tried. Perhaps not in the best way, but I tried. And it didn't serve to do anything but make him more determined to marry the little whore anyway. I was right. And while he's kinda forgiven me, I don't hear much from him anymore. That's about all I got to say about that...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 08, 2008 07:11 PM (Pnewa)

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