Some people hold a special place in your life long after you think they will. And some people take that place for granted. Others are willing to piss it away for something that is so much less.

So I guess the best thing to do is just set those people free.

You know who you are.

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... I'd make you believe, I'd make you forget ...

and I'd sleep a lot better at night

Ever since I can remember, I have craved three things:

1. Stability. The ability to enjoy the now, to be happy with the present, to not be waiting for the better tomorrow, to not feel that tomorrow would be there soon.

2. Security. The ability to know I can stumble because someone will be there to help me back up, that I don't always have to be the hero because someone else will fill the need when I can't, the knowledge that someone else has my back when I stand in front of the punch I know is coming.

3. Sanity. The ability to experience emotions and be understood, to be irrational and accepted, to be scared and be comforted.

Unfortunately, I'm still searching. Thanks to many factors, I'm faced with a myriad of possibilities for moving (read: uprooting and potential loss of employment), home buying (read: settling in much less than our dream home), child bearing (read: oh dear god, am I this old?), family separating (read: best painful thing that could happen), remodeling (read: indulgent waste of money), car buying (read: compromise that leaves no one happy) ... need I go on?

How are you supposed to make decisions about these thing when they are all competing with one another? And when your person is gone?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:10 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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So, its no secret around here that I have horrific relations with my immediate family. With the holidays coming quickly, the anxiety of perhaps having to see them is building by the day.

Even as a fully grown adult, I feel like I am reliving my teenage years every time I am around them. I can't quite figure out if it is because we are stuck in the same dynamic where I want something completely different than they do or if it is because the issues of those years are still so unresolved. Probably a little bit of both. Probably not all that unique either ... raise your hand if your family isn't dysfunctional ...

So what do you do about it? And how do to stop it from continuing to fuck up your life?

I have had an itch to write each one of them a letter explaining my side of the relationship and why I have chosen to withdraw so far. But I keep asking what good could possibly come of it? On the other hand, isn't is okay if nothing good comes of it? We are in a pretty bad place as it is, maybe the words in black and white without a personal confrontation will give them an opportunity to see something that they haven't before? You can't expect people to understand you if you don't give them the opportunity to, right?

It would be delusional to think that anything I wrote to my dad would lead to a divorce from his wife (even though he never should have married her) or to my mom would change her emotional manipulation or to my brother would yield anything other than defensiveness and accusations, so maybe writing letter would be for my own peace than any real hope that things could change.

Part of me feels guilty for even wanting to make things better. The thread of a relationship I have with each of my parents is purely selfish. Partly financial, partly so that there will always be someone that answers the phone. It is superficial and I can't remember the last time I felt genuine deep-seated emotion for either of them that wasn't negative.

Part of me wants to completely close the door and move on, but I am afraid I will lose pieces of my family that I actually do like. I can't stand the idea of admitting defeat and letting them talk about me like they do my aunt ... the one that walked away and started her own family and didn't really look back.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on what will never be since the family I chose will be gone for so many more days still...

...I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me....

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I don't really consider myself a crier. Well, in the sense that I generally refuse to cry in front of other people... Put me in front of Gray's Anatomy and I cry like a baby. But in front of other people just doesn't happen for two reasons: 1) I refuse to show weakness in the face of those attempting to cause pain, and 2) its just plain embarrassing.

I broke down and sobbed in my friend's arms when I discovered I was still being cheated on in college

I lost the ability to intelligibly speak as I cried in front of a room full of people instead of giving the toast they wanted at my dad's wedding reception

I wept at my grandmother's funeral and forced my way through the tears as I held a family photo and told the judge how having her taken away affected me.

I screamed through the tears when someone told me I had no right to be upset about a man that was being neglected into death by his family.

But yesterday at a party, when I least expected to cry in front of other people, I cried trying to explain the anxiety of a homecoming.

Maybe I cried because I knew they didn't get it, or maybe because I'm scared of the chance that there won't be one, or maybe because I'm scared it won't be in an airport, or maybe it was just time I finally cry about being alone ... but the only reason I felt at the time, was the fear that we will have grown too far apart.

I know I'm in good company as I've never been able to read AWTM's thoughts on it without tearing up ... maybe I really am a crier?

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Jerrold H. Paskins was an insurance executive with the Devonshire Group that lived in Anaheim Hills, CA. He was viewed as the quintessential Midwesterner with strong values, an even-temper, and a bright, caring way about him. He had a strong work ethic – in the office by six each morning and never stopping for lunch.

Jerrold believed in personal mementos and routines. He never left the house without the ring his wife Inez gave him for his 40th birthday, a 1976 silver dollar issued for the nation's bicentennial, and each day did one pushup for each year of his life and an extra for good luck.

On Sept. 9, Jerrold came to New York for what was supposed to have been a three-day business trip. The morning of Sept 11, 2001, Jerrold was to work on an insurance audit in a large, windowed conference room in the North Tower of the World Trade Center. Jerrold perished after the first plane struck the tower where he was working. His remains were identified Nov. 11, 2001.

Jerrold is survived by his wife, Inez, and their son, Robert. The 1976 silver dollar and the special birthday ring were also found and returned to his family.

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Juan Nieves was a hard-working man from Puerto Rico. He was a father of four, living in the Bronx that was always spending time with his family members.

For nearly thirty years, he made salads and appetizers at the Russian Tea Room but lost his job when the restaurant renovated. In 1994, he began working at Windows on the World on the 106th and 107th floor of the North Tower in the World Trade Center.

On September 11, 2001, flight 11 collided with the North Tower, killing 73 restaurant staff members and 92 guests and destroying the restaurant. In 2006, some former Windows on the World Staff opened “Colors” as a tribute to their fallen colleagues. The eclectic menu is meant to represent the diversity among the staff at Windows on the World.

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LeRoy Homer Jr. grew up on Long Island where he always dreamed of flying. He began flying lessons at the age of 15, earning his private pilots license before the age of 18. He later graduated from the United States Air Force Academy and was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the Air Force.

Homer served in many operations while on active duty, to include Operations Desert Storm and Desert Shield and those in Somalia. He later joined the reserves and achieved the rank of major.

Homer continued his flying career by joining United Airlines in May 1995. On Sept 11 2001, he was the First Officer of flight 93 - the plane that was hijacked and later crashed into a reclaimed coal-mining area near Shanksville, PA. Flight recorders showed that the crew and passengers of Flight 93 took heroic action against the highjackers which ultimately prevented the plane from reaching its intended destination, believed to be the U.S. Capitol or the White House.

For his actions on board Flight 93, Homer received many awards and citations posthumously, including honorary membership in the historic Tuskegee Airmen, the Congress Of Racial Equality's Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Award, the Southern Christian Leadership Conference Drum Major for Justice Award, and the Westchester County Trailblazer Award.

Following his death, the LeRoy W. Homer, Jr Foundation was established to provide financial support and encouragement to young people, with an interest in aviation, to pursue professional flight instruction leading to certification as a private pilot. Tax deductible donations can be made at: http://www.leroywhomerjr.org/make-a-contribution/

LeRoy Homer is survived by his wife Melodie and their daughter Laurel, who was born in late 2000.

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Anyone that knows me know, I am NOT a morning person...

Apparently, the dog has not gotten the memo (really? after this many years? seriously, learn how to read already!) He is perhaps the strongest force keeping me from considering kids in the near future behind the financial aspect and the utter lack of a support for us to lean on.

This dog decided at some point that I must be awake and ready to take him out at 8:30 each and every morning that I am not required to be awake earlier for work. Not having a yard, this means actually getting dressed, putting on the leash, and going for a brief neighborhood stroll. Normally I pawn this responsibility off on the hubs (after all, its his dog) but now it falls on me.

I tried to be understanding ... really, I did ... its morning, you gotta pee, ok ... I'll give him a pass.

Not anymore. He ruined that for himself this weekend.

He's been in no hurry to do any kind of business once we've gotten outside, he's turned up his nose at his food when we've gotten back inside (its microwaved for christ's sake!), and I just about lost it this morning when he curled up on his bed and immediately went back to sleep.

So ... I'm awake on my day off, sitting here with a sinus headache, unable to go back to sleep, hearing about how Obama's idiot healthcare ideas might actually pass ... and it was for no good reason? Un.Happy.Camper.

Yeah, I'm not ready for kids yet

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Whenever my husband goes off on one of his long term play dates in another country, I find myself compelled to clean. And I do mean COMPELLED ... seriously, I just finished reorganizing the freezer.

Forget the fact that the kitchen floor is a mess and the counters look like they need a bleach bath and I think there is dog food smeared on one of the cabinets ... that freezer is organized!

Earlier, I relocated a TV to create a better layout in the spare bedroom (don't worry, the TV has not been evicted in my husband's absence ... where else would I send him to play his XBOX and get out of my hair?) and reorganized a storage closet.

Up next - organizing craft supplies and gift wrap items!

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... I went and picked up "Escape from Cubicle Nation" by Pamela Slim at the library ...

"Chapter 1. I Have a Fancy Title, Steady Paycheck, and Good Benefits. Why Am I So Miserable?"

If that doesn't scream, GIVE THIS BOOK A CHANCE, I don't know what does.

Now, I don't have a fancy title but I do have a lovely cubicle , a steady paycheck, good benefits, and plenty of misery.

On the good days, I recall how tough times are and am satisfied in the knowledge that I am not facing a layoff. I know that I will be able to pay my mortgage, put food on the table, see the doctor, and probably even take a vacation within the next 12 months.

On the bad days, I realize that I am not choosing the position that grants me the ability to be thankful ... I am stuck there. When the reality that I am well and truly trapped returns to the forefront of my mind, I struggle to get out of bed so I can get to work on time, fight back tears at my desk (sometimes losing the battle), and wonder where I went so terribly wrong in life. I was once a bright, intelligent, high achieving, successful person that was excited about new information and challenges. How did I find myself in an environment where I feel like I have nothing to offer and can't manage to get anything right but helping everyone else get ahead?

I think I'd better get to reading...

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I really wish I had taken everyone's advice ... having a wedding is one of the dumbest things I have ever decided to do. I think it has caused more drama, strife, stress, and separation in our lives than any other single event. And it really shows you who your friends are (no, AWTM, I don't mean you).

We debated between two different dates and ultimately chose the one we did in order to accommodate a friend living overseas. He wouldn't be back in time if we chose the other date. That guy told us last month he won't be coming because he promised his girlfriend he'd be somewhere. LAME!

One friend's husband isn't coming because they are tired of traveling and they are working on their house. Not a matter of being able to afford it, they just don't want to. LAME!

My mom has taken a steaming shit on every aspect of my wedding and then calls crying about how we aren't close.

His mom isn't coming because she's a stupid, stubborn woman. I'm not even dealing with her.

How is it that people can give you the whole song and dance about how happy they are for you and how great getting married is and then just punk out?

I'm just glad to finally know who those friends really are and where we really stand. PEACE

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:07 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 acckkk...thanks for the disclaimer. And even though you put it up there, becuase you know what a freaking paranoid freak I am...I am sorry I cannot come... I heart you, and am sad I will not be able to spend the day, basking in what has become one of my favorite cities, watching my dear friend begin a new chapter...

Posted by: AWTM at March 02, 2009 10:54 PM (zGVWd)

2 I'm sorry to hear the months leading up to your dream day are nothing short of nightmarish. My best friend eloped. I was slightly bummed because I wanted to be her maid of honor. But you know what? I helped her to get ready for the trip, helped pick out the dress, chose the gifts that I wanted to give her instead of being beholden to a registry, and helped her pack. While a small part of me wishes I was there to witness the grand event, as her friend I am glad she had a perfect day ... FAR away from all the drama she would have encountered otherwise. To that point, the people who matter, don't care what it takes to make you happy just as long as you're happy. The rest, well, can just suck it.

Posted by: Dawn at March 03, 2009 09:43 AM (jFpDX)

3 The guy you changed the date for isn't showing up?!?!?!?! Now that is bullshit. Seriously. And if someone can afford to come and just won't because they don't want to travel, that's BS too. I would come if I were not on slope, so no one else has ANY excuse since I'd be flying from the freaking Arctic Circle! And yes, the stress is so crazy and stupid. Elopement in Hawaii is the way to go. Seriously. I can't tell you how bad I feel that I won't be there ESPECIALLY since you were at mine. But a little guilt is good because at least you can get more wed gift out of me...if you ever decide in what form you want it.

Posted by: Dorothy at March 03, 2009 11:32 PM (CHE53)

4 Okay, now I'm depressed. Had no clue you were getting hitched and now I'm jealous.

Posted by: dick at March 14, 2009 05:51 PM (IcPMN)

5 People should read this.

Posted by: Abbra at April 22, 2009 10:18 AM (IuUn7)

6 货架、 货架

Posted by: 货架 at May 12, 2009 09:10 AM (49N5c)

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I swear to God ... no one should get married ... ever ...

rather, no one should ever have a wedding ...

My biggest fear for the big day??? wait for it ...

... my mom ...

and her boobs

Yes, I am terrified of my mom and her boobs ...

Since she had them reduced and lifted, she seems to think there isn't all that much there to show off (trust me, THERE IS!) Combine that with her previous "I feel good about myself" clothing purchases ... its enough to keep me up at night.

She at least did me the courtesy of asking what I wanted her to wear, but she has balked at my response and threatened to wear whatever she feels like. (She didn't really think it was cool when I said that I reserved the right to keep her out of the photos then...but hey, she's not paying for them and it isn't her wedding...)

Seriously, if you didn't like your mom before you decided to have a wedding, you're REALLY not going to like her afterward.

We should have eloped ...

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The funniest thing I have seen in weeks...

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Is it really Christmas eve already...? ugh ...

I am not ready for it to be Christmas.

I am home recovering from the flu today (thanks to family members that don't understand to stay home when they have been shitting themselves silly).

I didn't get my neighbor gifts out.

My tree has no ornaments on it.

I am hardly willing to take a shower alone in the house for fear of passing out, there is no way I'm going to be able to enjoy a Christmas feast, let alone make one.

Santa, can I get a do-over?

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If there's one thing I wish I could snap my fingers and have over with, it would be wedding planning. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm beginning to wonder if the price I'm paying for a true wedding is worth it. Family drama ... family drama ... family drama. And the holiday season just complicates things - it makes shopping with friends so much harder.

It is exciting to plan, but it is tedious. I can only look at so much ugly in one sitting. Seriously ... who buys this shit? From dresses to invitations, there is a lot of ugly. And expensive ugly too! But I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs, right?

I did order a dress on Friday. I hadn't slept well in two weeks trying to figure out what I wanted. My stress headache was so bad by Friday afternoon all I wanted to do was eat some chocolate, have a good cry, and go to sleep. After buying the dress and having a little lavender aromatherapy, all was well again.

Being put in the middle between my parents' difference of opinion on money for the first time in several years is something I could really do without. My mom told me tonight that she thought I was irresponsible for letting my dad decide the budget for my wedding (obviously it is much higher than she thinks is appropriate). Apparently discussing line items with the financier as they arise instead of setting a strict number is irresponsible. Is it my fault that my dad said that is how he wants to handle it? And since when do I just spend money without regard for the value of the purchase or the appropriateness of the price tag?

Eloping is really sounding like a good idea...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:58 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Well, congratulations and best wishes on the engagement and the subsequent ritual you choose to make it legal! FWIW, maybe eloping isn't such a bad idea? Because if you decide not to invite certain problematic family members to the nuptials, well, your side of the church is going to be kinda empty, isn't it? I'm rooting for your happiness, whatever it takes to achieve it!

Posted by: Dawn at December 14, 2008 10:08 PM (hGezF)

2 I can tell you without a moments hesitation that planning and attending my own wedding was the absolute worst time I've ever had in my whole life. My wife had to have the big wedding. That was almost 40 years ago. Every time I think of it to this day, I start getting angry, anxious and my blood pressure goes up. I wish you all the best. I hope your marriage is as long and happy as mine has been. I am here to tell you that weddings suck and they always will especially if there are any family members involved. Good luck sweetie. Joe

Posted by: Assrot at December 15, 2008 02:25 PM (ARCEn)

3 on the bright side... we are all very happy for you, ma'am. And having met the guy... it should be pretty good all around. Keep in mind through it all... you've both done well.

Posted by: rsm at December 16, 2008 10:37 PM (CnnNA)

4 No, it's not worth it! Run off and get married and come back and have a big party and wear a pretty dress. Save yourself, time, money, and your boyfriend's nerves.

Posted by: Swink at December 16, 2008 11:35 PM (UogjM)

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I've been thinking a lot about the post Chuck wrote in which he called for us all to support the Office of the Presidency as a position, regardless of our thoughts about the person that fills the seat, less we become the moonbats that we so disdain.

I have to agree - personal slurs and attacks on character make us the moonbats.

Don't get me wrong ... I disagree with the majority of Obama's proposed policies, I find his speeches empty, the sound of him talking makes my skin crawl, and I will do whatever I can as a voter to stand in his way ... but he will soon be my President and I will not reduce myself to the level of the Dixie Chicks.

I am however a tad bit angry that the moonbats would pull the "one country, one team" crap out of their asses now that their man won. Am I to support your President the way you supported mine? No, because I have more respect for the institutions upon which our nation is built.

I will respect the Office, even if I can't respect the man, but I will so do with a saddness in my heart for every moonbat that could not manage the same and then made a mockery of our country when they thoughtlessly exercised their right to vote that better men gave to them and ensure that they keep.

Sincerely,
Ashamed of my countrymen

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It's been a long time since I really gave myself some time to think ... probably because I knew I wouldn't like what I'd find. Now is probably as good a time as any, stuck on a plane ... alone ... for a trip I don't want to be going on. (Thank God for the empty row of seats next to me ... crying in public places is so much easier when you don't have to share an arm rest with a stranger).

I'm not happy.

I am worried. Quite persistently ...

I feel as though I have driven my professional life in entirely the wrong direction (not to mention into the ground) and I am worried that I cannot fix it. Not because I lack the skills to do so, but because I was so sure that this was the right direction when I chose this particular path and even still I was so flatly wrong. I am without a map or any whim to follow. At this point, I'm not sure I even have career aspirations (which brings up a whole different level of guilt and self-loathing).

I'm young ... starting over would be easy. But how do you start over when the only part of planning a new path you can manage is the part where you abandon the last one? I've always believed that you should jump to, not from ... so when will I be ready to jump? And in this job market, what are the chances of that window opening?

My personal life is just as bad. I am so overwhelmed by stress that I am missing the greatest joys. I am so deeply worried that I will regret the way we choose to get married that I am losing the joy of being engaged.

I know, deep down I know ... there are few things in life that are genuinely un-fix-able so there is no point in worrying. But I worry.

I want nothing more than to be a beautiful bride ... to have a suburbanite home with the garage, maybe some stone or brick ... to love my kitchen more than any other room in the house and find my peace in sharing food with others. But is all feels so imaginary and un-me.

I find myself so moved toward indecision, motivated by fear and apathy, that I am dead in the water.

I worry that the wind I need to fill my sails will never come and the next chapter of my life will begin the same way that this one has dragged on.

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1 there is no wrong way to marry the one you adore...I promise. As far as a path in making money, and being satisfied and more? I am too confused at this point... I am 38, I am trying to switch fields right now, but without the education and experience, it is hard. I know what I am capable of, I just need the opportunity to do so... However, do not sweat the journey, you are missing out on the best part. Easier said than done, I know. I am always very proud of you and what you have accomplished, and I wish you were too. And btw, congrats on becoming engaged... one bite at a time dear...

Posted by: awtm at October 27, 2008 07:36 AM (skcC5)

2 Yeah, what AWTM said! Celebrate the victories, no matter how small. Learn from your mistakes, but don't dwell on them. Never ever neglect those you love and who love you. And remember, if you leave yourself open to the possibilites, there will always be a better job or another opportunity. It's the journey not the destination that is difficult, the destination is already determined, its the path we travel to get there, that we have to decide upon. And yes...congrats on becoming engaged, he is a lucky man.

Posted by: David M at October 27, 2008 08:58 AM (gIAM9)

3 Well, yay on the engagement! Woo hoo! Boy do I know what it's like to be lost on the career front, and that's all I've got so when it isn't going right, the whole world seems to be ending. Give yourself some time to reflect, meditate or simply STOP thinking. Seriously. Go look at some pretty scenery and sing to yourself at every opportunity and, all in all, forget everyone else. I've found creativity cannot grow when the soil in one's mind is fallow. There's nothing wrong with not knowing your exact place in the world. But there is comfort in knowing it's out there, waiting for you to find it. Failing that, crack open a few bottles of pinot, turn off the phone and take a nice long nap.

Posted by: Dawn at October 27, 2008 07:42 PM (5kgC6)

4 Sweetie, relax and don't hammer too hard on these things, or yourself for that matter. You and I really need to have a long talk.

Posted by: dick at October 28, 2008 04:22 PM (f5+lB)

5 Congratulations upon your engagement! That's truly wonderful news. Don't let the career ups-and-downs throw you too hard and far. In a short comment I couldn't begin the detail the fits and starts of my own work history that make the term 'career path' sound so hilarious to me.

Posted by: Consul-At-Arms at November 01, 2008 03:13 PM (IfX3L)

6 Congrats on the engagement! As for the career stuff... been there, done that. I have a master's degree in music from a prestigious school--and I'm a civilian working as "Assistant to the President" of a military support organization. I left the music career and jumped WAY too soon, and I'm not gonna say the years music and this were fun, but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, now. And I never saw it coming. So, hang in there. Trust your gut when it comes to evaluating what you have to offer and how you want to use it. I spent way too long trying to be something else for the wrong reasons, but it's working out now. Short of death and maiming, nothing is permanent.

Posted by: FbL at November 02, 2008 10:51 AM (HwqvF)

7 Gads I am so behind in my blog reading!!! Congrats on the engagement. As for the rest I have a suggestion - FWIW. (that and 2 bucks will get you coffee at Starbucks - I'm just sayin'...) Relax. Whatever you decide to do, decide to do it with enjoyment. For everything in life, be it weddings, jobs, living - there are a zillion options. The one you pick will be the right one for you at that time. It's human nature to wonder about the option you didn't choose. Ignore the urge to regret you can't try everything. I have been married for 29 years (nearly 30). We HATED our wedding - it was made unbearable by family. What is the best part of hating your wedding? It isn't a focal point as being "the best day of your life". If that's the best - where do you go from there? No, ours was about the worst and therefore everything else was up from there. LOL. On the job front - see if you can find what you would really like to do - then start working at attaining it. It may take you years (took me 6 years of school while raising children). In the end - you will still get older - picking up new skills along the way is never a bad thing - even if you never use them as intended. Now - deep breath - blow it out. Smile. You have a great life ahead - it's all in how you look at it! Hang in there.

Posted by: Teresa at November 03, 2008 02:29 PM (mMa3+)

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It was cramped and dim - a gray cube lit only by a few florescent bulbs. There was barely enough room to turn around with the acrid smell of chemical disinfectant floating through the air. An overwhelming uneasiness consumed the small environment as the floor felt like it would never stop moving.

I knelt and prayed as best as I could.

As Maui disappeared from view, I hoped for nothing more than to not throw up in the first class lavatory. I came back to my seat so overwelmed by the flu-like feeling that I hid my face and cried.

I spent the rest of the flight clutching an airsick bag - thankfully not needing to put it to use - and fitfully trying to sleep.

It was not a great way to end 9 days in paradise, and just a hint at how the return trip would go. But I am home now, and no longer in paradise where I spent my time taking pictures of sea turtles instead of blogging.

I am sad to leave Hawaii behind but I am glad to be home.

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Is anyone else pleased to see professional bull riding getting more air time on tv?

I mean really ... who doesn't love a good cowboy fix?

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It is raining today. I have the windows open and the tv on mute.

I love the sound of rain.

It has a light tap, tap, tap to remind you to listen and a collective shhhh of a calming, comforting hug.

Rain is my renewal - it makes me sleepy; it helps me slow down; it washes away my tension

Rain reminds me to breathe

Rain is my center

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