Hi Grammy,

You would have been 85 today. I probably would have forgotten to send anything but an e-card this morning. I always say I'm going to do better and remember in time to at least mail a card, but I always forget. Dad would have sent you yellow roses like he does every year and put all our names on the card - he knows those are your favorite.

The trial starts next week. I still have to write my victim impact statement and send it to the prosecutor, but I just don't know how to explain to the world what losing you has felt like.

I wish there was more that I could still say to you and I wish I had said I love you more. I wish that so much had been different.

But I love you, Grammy.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:57 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Being at the Freedom Walk was probably the most perfect place for me tonight.

Before I left, I felt good about going. I was enthusiastic about being a pair of feet on the pavement to prove we have not forgotten - that I have not forgotten.

As I left, I felt tired and heavy. I had just learned about another death in the family. He died of cancer ... and I didn't even know he was sick.

Before I walked, I felt blessed. I had friends to keep me smiling and my mind on bigger and happier things. I live in a city where I can show my support in big ways for those I will never meet.

As I walked, I remembered the family and friends that this walk would mean something to. I thought of the people who are gone, that gave us a reason to walk.

Before going home, I sat in the Pentagon parking lot, listening to an operetic rendition of a song about America ... but I honestly cannot tell you which song it was ... and I thought of my now missing uncle.

He didn't die in an attack on America but, when he died, a little bit of real American history died with him. He came from nothing and made something of himself. He lived in a town formerly named for our lineage where he became the largest landowner the town had ever seen. He farmed. He farmed and he farmed and he farmed. He was Old MacDonald if I ever saw him.

He passed his trade along to his son, with whom he shared a name. I only met Junior the one time and his kids a bit younger than me, but he came from good stock and he seemed to carry on the traditions of his pa.

My uncle was good people. But they seem to be going fast.

I have only their essence to think of now ... the lessons they taught to those they knew ... their spirit that lives on through the family ... and the hope that generations will mimic what came before them to continue the America that we all came from.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:59 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I know I said part of me was relieved yesterday, but I only said part of me. There is another part of me that is wound tighter than lonely Marines headed to the strip club on pay day.

I have had trouble sleeping the past couple of nights, but not for a lack of wear. The emotional drain of being the strong, rational one and watching my mom go through what she would never admit she is feeling is enough to make me want to sleep. On top of that, I have myself another frustrating head cold sucking the life out of me.

I find myself lying in bed just unable to relax. Once I get the body to begin to release a little tension, the mind starts churning. Once the mind calms down, the body aches and stiffness start bothering me again.

I woke up yesterday morning from a fearful dream, running from an unknown person. I was never physically running from anyone in particular but I was living in fear, locking doors, questioning everything ... I knew that someone wanted me dead. I didn't know who it was or who they had put up to doing the deed, but I knew someone definitely wanted me dead. I woke up so afraid that I wasn't even sure I could trust those close to me in real life. I remember saying, "even if you are in on it, you wouldn't tell me..."

I have been watching too much TV

I am on edge about family and death. I am scared of the phone calls I know are coming. My aunt with Parkinsons and Alzheimers is under 100 pounds now. We believe my uncle had a heart attack but went unseen due to caring for his precious wife. He will not last without her. She is his entire world and has been ever since I can remember. He has neglected himself to worry over her.

The curse of threes is threatening to begin its cycle again...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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