I gently waved in my heart, full with sadness, to the nasty yellow buildings of MCRD as the plane took off today... I had to leave home yet again.

I went to sleep to ignore the ache...

Once I woke up I tried reading, I tried listening to CDs, but all I could think of was how empty I felt. The pillowy, cotton-like clouds playing peek-a-boo with the farmland were a slight calming force though.

The delicate and intricate ice crystals crept up the window and I knew my heaven of isolation would be over soon...they signified my suspended life would coming back soon... once the floating stopped and the people disappeared.

We sank to land like a rock, quick and without regard for what went past. An eerie orange and yellow halo hung around the shadow of the plane as we descended to the cloud level. Our shadow grew larger and the halo more frightening as we banked left. Through the clouds... the magnificent ice melting... a dingy haze hanging in the air... grass the color of bile... a humid fog crowding the window...

Not a single tear fell but my heart broke with the wheels on the runway. I have returned to where I reside and left home behind yet again...

I don't know when I will go home again...
But I saw within myself answers that cannot be unlearned...
I've returned to a shattered semblance of what life used to be...
The nightmares have already started to come back...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Would you rather live in Town A or Town B?

The choice is easy...

I'll be in the fun place for the next week...so you're on your own unless Eric or Sadie stop by for a visit unannounced...they are the only neighbors with keys but I've decided to leave the house empty. If they stop by...it'll be a treat for you, loyal subjects...try not to miss me too much...

San Diego, I'm a comin home!!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 05:57 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I miss you already...

Girl, your bags are packed
And you ain't coming back is written on them
Take these memories with you
They're just sad and they're blue and I don't want them
Oh, you're not so sure that you're in love anymore
And I ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

I hold a tender place in my heart for you and you know it
I've never said it out loud
Guess I was way too proud to ever show it
We always thought some night that we might get it right
But that ain't going to happen today
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

--Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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You know you want me...I'm Esmarelda...

You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping -- often rapturing -- those you meet. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

Stolen from Sadie

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:47 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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So many people in our society have what I am going to refer to as 'tunnel vision' and it is really a sad thing to witness. By 'tunnel vision' I'm attempting to label the phenomenon whereby people are so caught up in their own lives and how busy they are that they are virtually incapable of seeing the world through another person's eyes in any meaningful way. Those afflicted with 'tunnel vision' no longer see what someone else might see and take that viewpoint into account when they act. There is no more golden rule. They bury themselves in their own assumptions and do what they have to in order to get by...all the while excusing their mistreatment of others or at the very least, their rude behavior with the idea of how many important things they have to accomplish.

Oh how I miss the days of treating others the way you wish to be treated was just plain common courtesy...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:43 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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"Fear not moving slowly, fear only standing still." -- Chinese Proverb

Discuss...

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I had been planning a D-day post for several months not but I never got around to drafting one. Obviously from the post earlier this evening, today did not allow for one either. So instead, I shall share a tid bit of my childhood.

Even as a child, I talked to anyone that would listen...especially adults. As a young child, whenever my dad would introduce me to a colleague, a friend, or even a random person at the post office, they would ask how old I was...and I would hold up the (hopefully) appropriate number of fingers. Naturally they would next ask when my birthday was...Don't ask me why I always deferred to my dad, but I did. After I looked to him for approval, I would always excitedly, but somewhat confused, respond with the practiced answer, "I was born on D-Day!" I had NO idea what it meant...I just knew that it meant something important...and what little princess doesn't love being important?

Yes, I'm a D-Day baby...even if is the anniversary and not the day of the invasion.

God bless those of you who were there and Thank you to those that would do it for us again today. We will never forget you and shall keep your memory close to heart, no matter how many years pass by.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:59 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Thanks Mom for calling twice & the few readers that knew who sent me messages. These were the few high points of my day...

I know, I'm an adult...it's not really a big deal anymore...but I'm not ready to give up the idea that for just one day I deserve to have it easy. Forces in my life saw different. When I should be out having a nice dinner or perhaps just a few drinks with my friends, I'm sitting here blogging...and I shouldn't even be doing that considering the massive thunderstorm outside right now. Oh, and I'm also sitting here smelling like carpet cleaner with the knees of my jeans wet and nothing else to change into...my kind o' fun!

Nothing has gone right today...the day got started late...no breakfast...much longer walk with the dog than was intended (that was muggy as donkey balls in July)...lack of clothing options since I didn't pack an extra set...giant pool of water in the basement where the air conditioner is attempting to piss on all the other appliances...attempt at medicating and crate training the 4 y/o, codependent dog with massive separation anxiety...sitting in an office for someone else's insurance...tense lunch...shopping for things for someone else's house while they mope and refuse to participate...listening to some brat squeak a dog toy every 5 seconds so loud that the entire store could hear it...trying to buy dog treats while listening to two dogs bark at each other...and the awesome kicker? Coming home to a dog that has chewed up the plastic pan in the bottom of his crate, bent part of the door, and cut up both paws and face. I spent the next 45 minutes cleaning blood out of the carpet while the dog got a bath. An entire can of stain remover, 1 cup of water, and 5 towels later...I have lost my patience.

No nice dinner because the dog couldn't be left alone? Fine. No clean clothes to change into because plans changed and I couldn't do anything about it after the fact? Fine. No entertainment because I've watched every movie in the house and there's no cable? Fine. No food in the house because there's been no time for groceries? Fine. The last 4 beers are mine and I don't give a shit what you think about it.

No presents. Keep your damn card even. No more birthday. Getting older just sucks anyway...

I quit.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:11 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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1. What's the first word that comes to mind when you think of me?
2. Go to Google Images and search for that word.
3. Comment on this post with any one of the pictures on the first page of results (but don't tell me the word).
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.

Stolen from Gecko's Rantings

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:46 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Once it cooled off a bit I took the doggie for another walk. He had a bit more energy this time but he was still a little tuckered out. I'm guessing partly from not eating, partly from stress, and still partly from the heat. It was still nearly 80 even in the early evening. I guess that's pretty hot to a Boxer. Anyhow...this is where things started looking up.

We were trotting along and a little black pug barked from across the street. My dog didn't pay him much attention until he barked again and started across the street. This pug didn't have a leash or an owner that he should have been attached to. My dog noticed now. Ordinarily he fights and struggles and howls and cries wanting to play with the other dog. Today though...I urged him forward and kept him focused on the path in front of him. He kept wanting to turn around but I kept him moving forward and a scene was not caused. Hardly a whine, no screams, not nearly even half the struggle he normally puts up. I'm sure it was due in part to the sluggishness but I was very proud of his behavior. He's growing up...

I finally figured out how to keep him a little calmer though, I think...I brought the laptop downstairs (where I can actually get a little bit better signal on the stolen wireless from the neighbors) and I'm on my third movie of the evening. This way he hears the ambient noise he's used to and has the comfort of someone he knows in the same room he's most comfortable sleeping. Understandable that he would be so attached to the loveseat since it's from his old house...I'm just a little tired of being in the same room all day long...

Anyhow...Once we got home he finally decided to eat his food, so long as I turned on the dining room light and sat on the floor next to him. Needless to say, he's not too thrilled with this new house and not having his daddy around. Once his tummy was full though he chased the racquetball a little and finally decided to chew on his hog's ear for a while. He's been a little sad since the other roommate came and left again but he's doing better. So now I know he's just sad and he's not actually sick or anything.

...how much would that suck?..."hey I was dog sitting for you and he got deathly ill...sorry..."

OK...Back to school work with me...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:08 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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1 Part ni? Is that some new number system?

Posted by: Ogre at June 06, 2005 06:53 AM (/k+l4)

2 Ichi, ni, san...Japanese is my other language of choice...

Posted by: Princess Cat at June 06, 2005 02:01 PM (9rEq/)

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So today I finally find myself dog sitting the way I expected to be for the entire weekend. Unfortunately, it's a lot more boring than I thought it would be. The dog is just pouting that his daddy isn't here and doesn't really care about much. My log shows just how uneventful the day has been...

Task: Eating
Status: Failed
Comments: Subject shows a lack of interest in food and/or treats other than food meant for human consumption which he is not allowed.

Task: Chewing a Hog's Ear
Status: Failed
Comments: Subject has not been observed chewing within the last 72 hours. Interest in hog's ear spikes when roommate comes home but fades within the following 5 minutes.

Task: Neighborhood Walk
Status: Failed
Comments: Subject perked and showed excitement when the leash was attached but quickly lost interest once outside the house. Pace was slow due to heat. Distance was limited to the equivalent of a walk around the block.

Task: Laying in the Grass
Status: Failed
Comments: Subject was curious about my setting up the backyard with a tether, chair, and water bowl but was disinterested once tethered to the tree. Subject stood next to the chair for long periods of time, sometimes whining at nothing, and laying down only to pout. Lying in the grass time was cut short by a red wasp crawling on the subject's back.

Task: Laying/Sleeping on the Loveseat
Status: Success
Comments: Subject prefers to lay on the loveseat most of the time. If not looking out the window, subject is sleeping. Motivation to leave the loveseat includes the excitement of the roommate coming home/packing and the rare interesting smell on the back deck - little else is of interest.

So...this leaves me with plenty else to do. And in a new house, this usually means injuring myself... weee!! Yes, over the course of the past 72 hours I have managed to remove two large chunks of my right foot (on separate occasions), get a finger smashed by a refrigerator drawer, get my ankle whacked by something I don't remember but it hurts so I know it happened, get a finger whacked by a ceiling fan, and bruise my face in two places.

Ain't moving just grand?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 05:31 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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This may or may not be a reality this weekend...

Ok, I don't really care about doggie blogging but I am off to unpack someone else's moving van and then my weekend will be spent dog sitting. Unfortunately, I'm not sure the status of the internet at the house...EEK!

If I come back on Monday slightly insane, you'll know why...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:56 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 You're sitting on someone's dog, why now?

Posted by: Ogre at June 03, 2005 02:53 PM (/k+l4)

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While I love what Sadie did with the place, I'm a changer...I move furniture, I change clothes often, I reorganize for the sake of a new look...

I needed options to choose from! I'm not finished with this design but I figured I'd leave it up to see how it struck me.

So...what do you think?

UPDATE: I spent all morning trying to make this fit in 800 x 600 and it blew when I put it back in 1024 x 768 so I'm still messing with it. Anyone else have problems viewing? Suggestions?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:43 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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Lacey always saw herself as a strong and fiercely independent person. To most that observed her she appeared aloof, almost uncaring. Her brisk walk and purposeful appearance only added to the perception that she was cold and unapproachable. She never gave off an image of mean spiritedness but people often would steer clear nonetheless - the same as they would cross the street when faced with a chained dog while walking past a neighborhood yard.

However, their behavior was fitting; she identified herself most closely with a K-9 Shepard. She admired their ability to focus and remain on mission. It was her goal to be the same way in her own life. This often meant she had little use for people - they usually just got in the way of completing a task. Like her animal counterpart, Lacey investigated everything, suspicious of it all. It wasn't that she lacked the ability to trust, she had just been given too many reasons to prevent her from doing it blindly. She needed evidence that her trust was being placed in something legitimate and that it would be cared for.

In reality, rather than the controlled police dog, she was probably one of the most torn and angry people she'd ever met. Beneath her focused, mission-oriented exterior was a girl lost in chaos. Her life had been about fairness, justice, and the golden rule but life had not treated her with the same respect. Doing the right thing always benefited someone else and left her on the side of the highway, punished for her altruism. It just didn't make sense in her head, she never knew which way to turn, and it sometimes pushed her to the brink of insanity. The angel on her shoulder told her to carry on, true to herself, and leave the anger behind. The devil on her shoulder told her that everything she faced proved being a good person didn't matter, that she should do just what she felt like in the moment. Some days the devil got the best of her and she became easily irritable, snapping at anyone that dared cross her. She felt betrayed by life and society and she wanted to make them pay. But in the end, the angel always won and no one ever paid. She couldn't sleep at night if harm had come to others at her hands, so none ever did. Knowing that it was not her place to deliver justice and that most never would be punished for any of the things they did made her absolutely livid. She wished that just for one night the angel would shut up and let the devil win for real.

This night she was close to getting her wish, the devil was winning. She was so angry she didn't know where to turn. She looked to the shower to calm her. She jerked the water on and caught a reflection of her contorted face in the mirror. It was flushed and her jaw tight as she clinched her teeth. Mad that her beauty had been stolen by those who angered her, she tore off her clothes and threw them on the floor. Before stepping into the water she put her long braid in to a bun with a claw clip. It pulled her hair slightly and scraped at her scalp. The unexpected pain made her smile.

She stayed in the shower for a long time, enjoying the hot water that she had made just slightly warmer than usual. It wasn't enough to burn her skin but it hurt a bit, just enough to fuel the devil that was raging inside. Her mind was in overdrive thinking up vengeful plots, creating mock arguments, urging her to punch one of the freshly tiled walls. It was only when the water grew cool that she was motivated to stop her internal tirade. Out of the shower and standing again in front of the mirror, she wished that her towel was wrapped around someone willing to carry out everything she had thought of instead of being wrapped around her. She knew the angel was trying to take over again.

A new mission was the only thing that could bring her down completely. The frown that had slid onto her face indicated that she had found one; her eyebrows were out of place. Putting her precious tweezers to use, she plucked stray hairs one by one to bring things back to the picture perfect way they should be. It still hurt every time she pulled a hair but it hurt just the way she wanted it to. The pain focused her again and allowed the angel to speak more clearly to her. She could sleep firm in her belief that they would pay, some day, in a way that was most deserved - even if it didn't come at her hands or if she never knew how.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:10 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s the middle of the night, I have an assignment due in 12 hrs, I'm incapable of work, and I'm still awake...Lost...

Several cigarettes and many more tears later...I'm still lost...

Since moving across the country to DC I've found myself with only 3 basic people I held dear and could not live without. In recent months I have lost 2 of them, to a degree. I have been met with distrust, betrayal, and harsh words from them both leaving me in shock that people I loved could wound me so deeply and without remorse. I couldn't tell you with a straight face that I still love them because I have built so many walls in reaction to them. I have been disappointed when they didn't meet expectations I had thought they were far above. I don't know how to come back from the distances we've grown apart or how to ignore the scars that will take time to heal.

The third and only real friend left is a quiet, good natured girl back in CA that is terribly unwilling to impose, just struggling to make ends meet while she worries about her man on his 4th tour since 9/11 and tries desperately to keep a mentally disturbed ex afloat without hurting herself. Naturally, she and I don't get as much time as either of us would like.

I have retreated into a cocoon of safety where no one can get close. My friends have become bloggers that I have grasped so tightly to that they probably think me insane. I'm pretty sure reading this you know who you are and I thank you for all your kindness. It has meant more than you will ever understand in the past months.

It feels wrong to walk away but I want something more for my life. Someone once said to me, "you have the whole rest of the world to be mean to, why me?" And I can't help but feel that way now about these two... Perhaps I would know how to heal if there were simple, sincere, apologetic words for the pain that has been exchanged were to be said... instead I have gotten flat expressions of the right thing to say... and somehow I stay...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:25 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Oh dear, you sound quite down about your relationships. I understand completely though. My husband just asked me the other day if I thought it was possible to have true friendships as an adult. Children are so much more forgiving than adults. I thought about it and I really have no one that I would truly run to in an emotional crisis - they've all gone their ways and left me behind. Perhaps I did the same to them. But, I did have an issue a few weeks ago and I sent a flurry of emails back and forth to some extremely supportive blogger friends. So I also understand what you're saying there! I'm closer to some of them than anyone right around me, outside of immediate family.

Posted by: Idgie at June 02, 2005 08:51 AM (WLM8z)

2 ... sometimes bloggers see sides of people that your friends don't.... writing thoughts and words down shows things we often can't verbalize... it's no wonder that bloggers are such a tightly knit group... ... hang in there, Cat... if there is anything that I can do, just give me a yell...

Posted by: Eric at June 02, 2005 10:36 AM (YlwMq)

3 Hey you, stop procrastinating and get back to writing that assignment. Where'd you put that boot for swift-kicking? And hey, it sounds silly, and you probably don't want to hear it, but when things get really down, there's nowhere to go but up! Come on up!!

Posted by: Ogre at June 02, 2005 11:05 AM (/k+l4)

4 ONE GREAT FRIEND is worth 15 "ok "friends, I promise.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at June 02, 2005 01:00 PM (Jqysp)

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Bacardi 151 Congratulations! You're 134 proof, with specific scores in beer (80) , wine (133), and liquor (60).

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

Not bad for a youngin...don'tcha think?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:25 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Oh, I swear this town gets smaller every day
And I'm waiting for my chance, I'm gonna break away
I'm so sick and tired of being told what's good for me
People got lots of ideas of who I'm supposed to be

Angel, carry me, oh so far away
May my body never touch the ground
And if I promise you I'll be back someday
Will you set me free, so I can fly away?
Fly away, fly away

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:50 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I received these photos from a Marine in Iraq that I have been corresponding with and was given his permission to post them here. I could write a long post about why I chose to post these but I think they speak for themselves. If you like them and want to send a comment to him, I'll be sure to pass it along. Enjoy!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:26 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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