August 12, 2007

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

Random update... (and thank you, to those that are still checking in on me these days)

When it's too late to apologize. Now what?

I haven't really learned how to interact with and share experiences with people that I have lost a fundamental level of respect for ... not just in the particular situation, but as people. That kind of respect that everyone deserves, just because they are another human being. The kind that goes away when other people decide it isn't worth giving to anyone else.

What do you do when these people are part of your life that you cannot change?

For example:
I have already made it clear that should I ever get married, my dad's wife is strictly prohibited from attending any and all associated functions as well as the wedding itself. I have made a promise that I will have her arrested before I let her take part in something like my wedding.

I can't take that stance with every family member that I think deserves to be buried alive by the very filth they spend their lives producing. But I don't want to go around putting on the nice face while I try not to dry heave from the sheer disgust I feel.

Call me judgey if you will ...
But I also cannot forgive what doesn't seek to be forgiven.

And it's too late to apologize ...

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August 06, 2007

And your eyes, they tell me how much you care

My blog lapsed ... AGAIN ... but it was for good reason this time ...

I was out of town, in the middle of nowhere, with no where to be but one place... more...

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July 27, 2007

The truths that we all tried to hide
Are so much clear when it's not our lives
We don't face the blame

AWTM is correct in her comments on the last post ... thanks to the world of hormone therapy, I have entered the world of an increasing bust size ...

... Something which I'm sure was pleasurable for the passers-by as I got caught in an absolute downpour this evening. I was nothing short of completely soaked ...

And now that I've lost the male population of the readership ... I'll keep going below the fold for the um, three readers that I have left? more...

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July 26, 2007

I've been looking for a driver who is qualified
So if you think that you´re the one, step into my ride

The biggest news in my life these days?

The new medicine is making it hurt to wear a bra ...

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July 20, 2007

Do You Know What It Feels Like...?

If you ever want to have an uncomfortable day, just repeat mine from yesterday ...

Get a couple hours of sleep
Don't forget the hangover
Take a really bad taxi ride with 4 co-workers
Thank the driver for making all of you carsick
Get to the airport really early
Have your mentor text message you the "we need to talk"
Sleep in a non-reclining airline seat
Head straight for the vagina whisperer's office
Get stuck in traffic while you REALLY have to pee
Have an invasive procedure at the vagina whisperer's office
Go shopping for nothing, just because you're there already
Make sure your anesthetic wears off while you're there
Get stuck in traffic again on the way to dinner
Showing up before the restaurant opens is a definite must
Discuss your new feminine needs with your dad while at the pharmacy
Have your mom question the Dr and harass you about it until 11:30p

I suppose the day could have been worse, I could have gotten bad news from the doc.

This new doc was such an improvement over my previous experience that I almost didn't mind I was in so much pain (don't kid yourself either - it ain't gone). Well, ok...I mind the pain but I still really liked his style. I learned that there is nothing harmful going on and, in theory, what we are trying out should be a relatively simple solution to my problems (if mom will stop worrying so damn much).

I guess pulling favors and flying all the way across the country to see a doctor might be worth all the drama after all.

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July 15, 2007

We All Want Something We Can't Have

I am off on travel for the week (late for the airport in fact)

I'll be in San Fran for most of the time - holy crap its been a long time since I've been there. From what I hear, it should be a good time (even if they are work people).

Then, due to my own issues with the vagina whisperers, I'm going to LA. This should be a trip through hell on so many fronts.
-One, a less than routine trip to the vagina whisperer that promises to be VERY painful (AWESOME!)
-Two, my mom is pissed off at me for pulling favors, bypassing the bitch of a whisperer here, and not being a more patient patient
-Three, I'll be staying at mom's house
-Four, I REALLY don't want to see my brother (or his handler), um at all ...

I swear I really am going to come back to regularly blogging one day. Maybe it will take having a lovely macbook to motivate me ...? Maybe it will just take having something other than drama to talk about ...

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July 14, 2007

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Ok, so answer me this ... how do you sleep at night when you know someone is taking active measures to kill themselves? Not the I'm gonna swallow this bottle of pills if you don't pay attention to me or I've got a razor kind of active measures, but the kind that slowly, but actively work to end your life in a purposeful fashion.

For example - elderly, depressed, and on a hunger strike. Today is day 11.

Literally no food. Just water and sugar free candy by the handfuls. Oh, and hourly diarrhea for good measure.

Somehow I want to respect a person's decision not to fight but I can't really accept that is what is going on here.

He's lost his wife and his asshole son is living with him now. Frankly, I could understand him wanting to die. But if you were in a reasonable state of mind and really wanted to die, why would you continue to take your medicines?

I can accept not sticking a bunch of tubes in him or landing him back in the hospital again but to not do anything? Family members in the house, day after day, saying there is nothing they can do. It just makes me sick inside. And of course, people are angry with me for wanting to help him. But what else is new?

In my world - this man is very depressed, living in the house where his wife died, not thinking clearly. That does not make standing by while he gives up something I can really accept.

How about you?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:32 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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July 06, 2007

Last time I checked in I promised pics of the kids ... well no dice just yet - no one has sent me any and I didn't take any.

Why not? I have a really good excuse ...

A weekend's worth of non-alcoholic induced vomiting
(seriously, it was the most I think I have ever puked in my entire life ... ever)

So you're just screwed on that one ... until one of my cousins sends me some pics and I remember to share ... so basically you're just screwed on that one.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:28 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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June 29, 2007

With Some Good Red Wine and My New Shoes
Gonna Dance A Blue Streak Around My Livin Room

The fam is in town ... the part that doesn't turn everything into a major drama and actually knows how to have a good time, that is. We should be out having a good time seeing the city for the next few days.

Unfortunately for you guys (and this blog ) that means another weekend of no posting.

Maybe some pics of the kids when I get back though

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June 23, 2007

She Likes Kickin Up A Little Sawdust On Her Halo

A couple of people have been checking in lately to see how I'm doing ...

So sorry to have left you worried, but I have run away and I'm never coming back. Ok, not really ... unfortunately it is only temporary.

I have been enjoying some time in the old stomping grounds ... slipping on the boots again and doing a little dancing, some In N Out, a trip to Sea World, carne asada and the best tortillas on the planet, margaritas at a beachside bar...

Are you sure I have to go back?

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June 17, 2007

I couldn't give a damn what you say to me
I don't really care what you think of me

In case anyone has missed it, I'm not a fan of my brother's girlfriend handler ... seriously ... HANDLER

I really don't like her even more now that lil bro is moving half way across the country and guess who is going with ...? No doubt to tell him how to do everything and what to think during this new phase of his life.

Even though she just bought a condo, has a job, is in school ... ?

I do not have many polite (or PC) things to say about her or the idea that she is growing more permanent by the day.

So now how do I politely convince my dad that I really do not care about the house he is going to buy for them? I do not care about the neighborhood, the number of bedrooms, how many bathrooms, the style of garage, or whether there is a fireplace!

If I'm not allowed to express a dissenting opinion, don't bring the topic to my table. I spend enough time biting my lip as it is.

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June 15, 2007

I ain't settlin for just gettin by
I've had enough so so, for the rest of my life

If you sent me an email or a comment in the last 2 weeks and haven't heard back from me ... it is because spam is filling my inbox. I have grown weary of even turning on my computer lately because it is just so annoying.

I haven't cleaned up any of the spam comments ... so I apologize for the offensive bullshit they've left lying around.

If anyone has found a good way to deal with spam on a munu blog ... please, let me know. I don't have the patience to deal with this crap at the end of the day.

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June 07, 2007

what makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that you're so sure

I think I have become the poster child for why you should not take the bus to work, spend the day at work, go to the grocery store, take the bus home, and then walk to the taxi stand before getting stitches put in your toe.

We decided to leave them in longer than the standard 7-10 days cuz my toe just didn't want to heal right. The edges weren't seaming together really all that well ... bastard seams.

I took those suckers out tonight anyway ... a day shy of 2 weeks since they were put in ... mostly because I was tired of wrapping my foot in a bag every morning to shower and well, because going in to an office to have someone whip out a pair of tiny scissors is just retarded.

It is now clear to me just how bad the cut really was though. With the wound filling in from below and still having a little trench through my toe due to the non-seaming action, it appears the cut was much deeper than I originally or secondly thought.

Lesson of the day: When you experience white pain, bleed all over the bathroom floor, and need longer than 5 minutes to stop the bleeding ... you should probably not make the assumption that you can "walk it off"

But at least I can share a fresh scar with my little cousin who got stitches three days before me!

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June 06, 2007

We Have To Take Our Clothes Off
We Have To Party All Night

I may be tired. I may even be exhausted ... after all, its Wednesday.

But I'm declaring it an off day for the pricks at work and anything else serious.

I'm officially getting old - so I can do that shit. (I just might wear a birthday crown to work too ... )

So in the spirit of having a good time in my birthday honor....


Oh ... one more thing ... I ain't actin, I DO own the bar

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May 31, 2007

if you don't like the way I'm living today
I'll keep it in mind
as I casually dismiss all you say

Someone has now taken it upon himself to decide my personal feelings are out of place at work and my tendency to be emotional is of concern. So, here goes an open letter:

Oh really?

My words - open for censorship in the spirit of professionalism
My actions - open for censorship in the spirit of professionalism
My emotions - OFF LIMITS!

I can be as unhappy, pissed off, irritated, disappointed, and downright mad about anything and everything I want to be ... so long as my words and deeds meet the standards of decorum.

If you don't like the fact that I cry when explaining someone died and that I am frustrated YOU won't be my advocate for leave ... DON'T. CALL. ME.

I would have much preferred to handle the situation without you but you happen to be the person with the immediate approval authority. I don't like it any more than you do. So deal.

If you want to label me as difficult because I am willing to do my homework and push for the things congress took it upon themselves to put into law on my behalf, that's fine. It is only "difficult" because no one else seems to have read those little acts of congress plainly available for anyone to read ... in pretty colors even. I'd rather be difficult than walked on.

Pardon me if I need a little adjustment period to the idea that things I waited oh, 15 months for can change in one day and that I have to accept the reason, "its the nature of the business." Because you know what? No, it isn't. It is the culture that has gone on for so long that it became force of habit to operate like human capital is worth less than the paper you wipe your ass with. Some things can't be helped, but most of them can ... when people actually want to do their jobs right.

And really, if going into the bathroom and crying helps me come back to my desk with a clear head ... what the hell business is it of yours? It's not like I'm sobbing in public or in a position to compromise a face to face relationship from my isolated corner where no one talks to me. I don't recall that being up there on the list of problems with excessive drinking or smoking pot ... but then again, maybe I am the one that can't read. The day I can't do my work you have a leg to stand on. Oh wait - I might need real WORK before that could happen...

I cry precisely because of people like you. People that think treating each other with the callousness with which you comfortably function is the new 'normal.' I will never be one of you. I will cry each time I am expected to become you. If that means a new career, I can live with that.

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May 28, 2007

The Shadow of the Day
Will Embrace the World in Gray
And the Sun Will Set For You

Just when you feel like the clouds might be parting, you realize that the peace you had found was just the eye of the storm as it was passing through.

You guessed it ... death number six, in just fifteen months.

This one makes me almost as angry as my grandmother's did ... it was preventable. Her own family was too dysfunctional to make a difference in her care and she was too stubborn to find new doctors ... despite how badly they continued to fail her.

Her husband is devastated and already hospitalized, awaiting a surgical procedure, with no one to go home to once he is discharged. And still ... each family member is focused on themselves, putting the blinders of selfishness they have lived with for the past decade to maximum usage.

I could understand if the dysfunction drove them apart completely ... but each of them will ride into to town on the a variety of high horses demanding to be the ultimate decision maker and first person called for everything. It is no different than my aunt who hardly spoke to my grandmother and then came to town when she died ... to fulfill her responsibilities as the eldest child. It is just pathetic and stupid.

Where were all of you when I was calling doctors, making appointments, checking for interactions in medication and accurate dosing, buying food and cooking when they were too tired and needed to be taken care of? In your nice comfy lives, half a country away where she was out of sight and out of mind. Not your problem, right?

I fully expect to be made the scapegoat for all their anger this week. And trust me, they are angry with her (especially in death). Despite everything I did to make things better, they will need someone to yell at. To those family members, I have only one thing to say: I wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

Don't get me wrong ... this woman was not the nicest of people, not even to her family. More likely she behaved worse with her family than anyone else ... but she is still a human being and she is still their mother. She deserved better than being left to die at home, alone.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 05:29 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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May 25, 2007

So I'm Going Home, To the Place Where I Belong

I keep waiting for my official retard certificate to arrive in the mail.

Seriously...

... its coming ...

I somehow managed to trip over a ceiling fan this morning and bleed all over my bathroom floor. It was pure genius, I'm telling you. At fucking 6 am.

My first instinct looking at the wound was stitches. I later convinced myself that I had overreacted and a clean cut like that could heal itself with the help of a butterfly closure.

My first panic was getting blood on the carpet. My second was at keeping the swelling down so that my toe rings didn't have to be cut off. I have priorities here people.

I landed in urgent care after work because as much as I didn't want to admit it, I needed a tetanus shot. I was almost 2 yrs overdue as it was. Of course they wanted to look at the wound. And of course ... what had done such a great job of knitting back together came gaping open and bleeding everywhere in the hallway as I took the bandage off.

Fuck.

I am now the proud wearer of stitches. Just in time for a long weekend.

I'm telling you ... that card is on its way. It is in the mail.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:38 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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May 24, 2007

Fastlane ... Oh we just collided in the fast lane

Ah ... the stench of the familiar ... Shit for brains employees

I had a meeting with yet another bundle of red tape today and was nearly immediately glad to have worn my trusty boots.

A word to the bitch I was dealing with - When I have prior approval from your boss, I don't give two shits whether you agree with their decision or not. When you're the boss, you can make the calls. Until then, keep your unimportant opinions to your ghetto-ass-self.

I was essentially told by an underling that she would do what she could to get her bosses decision overturned because she didn't agree with it. I politely told her that if my applications were denied based on that tenet, I would become quite annoying to her office.

She didn't seem to quite understand and later threatened me again, throwing that someone else could overturn the decision. I again politely let her know that I would not take that kind of an assault lying down.

So she threatened me again with an official board meeting.

Seriously? Don't challenge me. I won't back down and I always come armed. And I usually win. Even if I have to take a win by submission.

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May 23, 2007

So You Want To Be Saved But All Your Friends Are Villians

You know you've had a rough day when you open a piece of chocolate and the wrapper says:

Go to your special place

I really reached the end of my rope today at work. The things that pass as acceptable behavior and the bureaucracy of something as simple as one human being taking care of another is enough to make the most stable person cry. (And what do we know about my stability ... especially in reference to crying ...?) I did manage to hold it together ... surprisingly ... in case you were wondering.

As suicidal as it would be for my future in the industry, I had to fight the urge to take my ID and put it through the shredder harder than I ever believed possible. What is the point in doing good deeds if you go insane doing them?

If you'll excuse me, I have some alcohol to drink and furniture to rearrange.

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May 18, 2007

Don't Act Like An Angel, You're Falling Again

I. Fucking. Hate. Hippies.

But I love free stuff, so sometimes I put up with them ... as long as their stuff doesn't smell like patchouli ... And I joined the lovely little yahoo group that Buckethead introduced me to, Freecycle. Exactly how it sounds ... you give your stuff away and other people take it. (Better known as other people give their stuff away and I take it)

There are only a couple catches to this nifty system:

1. They break it down regionally - which can severely fuck people like me that live on the border of two regions the hippy-gods arbitrarily decided would be good divisions (see rules 2&3 for an explanation of the fucking)

2. Crossposting in multiple areas is NOT ALLOWED! (Apparently it wastes gas and causes too much competition for items ... WTF???)

3. The moderators for the DC area take their jobs WAAAAAAY too seriously.

I ran into this problem when I first moved in and had nothing to offer anyone else but needed things like ... oh I don't know ... a lamp? I was chastised for posting a request without a prior offer. Bitches...

Current problem with this hippy moderator ... giving away a loveseat. This moderator continues to remove my post to give away a loveseat. She initially removed it and chastised me for crossposting in two areas ... and then immediately allowed posting of it again. (Huh?) Now she has removed my posts because I did not wait the appropriate period of time to post on the second list.

JESUS CHRIST WOMAN! IF I HAVE TO POST IT TWICE ON BOTH LISTS HOW MUCH INTEREST IN THIS DAMN LOVESEAT DO YOU THINK THERE IS?????

So I sent her one of my patent-pending notes about how her rule following was not only petty but in direct competition to her hippy loving goals of environmental safety ... this loveseat is off to the landfill ...

Hippy Bitch

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:52 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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