The screen as gotten a pretty blurry today. I've reached some kind of threshold, I guess ... the tears just won't stop falling on this subject. I have a good job at a very people friendly company with good bosses practically being handed to me ... the catch? A commute of 2 hours, minimum ... each way. For the normal person, 30 minutes. So it is probably time to "confess" ...

As strong and accomplished as I may be ... as confident and capable as I have proven myself ... I am paralyzed in life. I have been for about a decade now. I try my best to keep it a secret from people for as long as I possibly can, but what was once fear has become a phobia.

I will not drive. I have never had a driver's license.

I have watched it take away my youthful adventures in high school, limit my college experiences, ruin relationships, hinder friendships, complicate family gatherings, destroy job opportunities, remove all hope of real independence, and leave me fairly isolated in the world.

But still, I will not drive.

People tell me that when it is inconvenient enough, the need to drive will supersede the fear causing me to avoid it. Or others say, when I am ready, it will happen. Talk like that just makes the pain worse. It is terribly inconvenient and how helpless am I to become before I am "ready" ??

But crying doesn't earn a license.

I have taken driving lessons, driven a neon, a jeep, a mini-van, a truck, and an SUV ... sometimes illegally without anyone else in the vehicle. I can physically perform the task - so long as the panic doesn't take hold.

And yet, I will not drive.

I can look myself in the mirror and know it is irrational. There is no cause, there is no reason ... My fears took hold long before I was in an accident or I lost my grandmother to the drunk driver. But even when I wasn't the driver and no one was seriously hurt, I was crying enough and my heart was racing so badly after the one accident that they had to put me on a monitor in the ambulance. I felt so stupid.

I end up feeling too crazy to drive.

When people find out I don't drive, I am embarrassed. When special arrangements have to be made on my behalf, I am humiliated. When people ask about it, I try to make the answer as brief as possible and change the subject; if I don't, I break down in tears.

I only avoid driving more.

It may not seem like it has the ability to control my life, but it does ... in every aspect, even the most basic ones. I cannot buy soda at the grocery store alone if I plan to buy much of anything else - I have to carry it home. I cannot go to multiple stores at a time because I do not have a vehicle to put my purchases in as I go along. I cannot buy ingredients my local store doesn't carry, unless someone else wants to take me. It limits where I can live, where I can work, places I can go, events I can attend, travel plans, etc.

I see the restrictions. I feel the pain. I wear the shame.

But how do you conquer a phobia that has gained such a firm grasp?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:30 PM | Comments (12) | Add Comment
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1 I have no advice to offer only hugs. You are not alone though. I know a couple other people who are in the exact situation. Fear is powerful. How you conquor that I'm not sure. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I just wish I could do more.

Posted by: Sticks at August 21, 2006 05:59 PM (gsKTM)

2 Damn, Cat. I had no idea. Maybe you need to spend lots of time behind the wheel in a big, empty parking lot until you eventually reach the point where it becomes clear that you are controlling the car and not the other way around. Seems to me that this phobia is worth working on. Stay well, kiddo.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at August 22, 2006 03:33 AM (ANg2D)

3 Not sure how it will work for you, but here is how things work for me, and right after the accident, I couldn't drive for 5-6 months. Fact is, I'm a control freak so I let that psychosis do the work for me. Now, so long as I have a fear that impedes me, I remind myself that it is a power something or someone else has over me. It is a weakness another person can exploit. I will not be exploited. I will not let someone else have that kind of control over me. (it's why I put myself up into high places along cliffs and such still.) And so by realizing that someone else could have power over me, I use that to keep me going when I feel any sort of panic or disorientation coming on. Again, it works for me, might not work for you and I am in no way a trained counselor.

Posted by: RSM at August 22, 2006 05:37 AM (hz+BK)

4 Wow. Indeed, that's something. Well, if I'm ever around town, I'll give you a ride.

Posted by: Ogre at August 22, 2006 08:38 AM (oifEm)

5 Hey, RSM is on to something, there. For me, the only answer is to confront my fears. I refuse to let fear win. I am a control freak, too, though and like RSM, let that work for me.

Posted by: Kelly at August 22, 2006 09:11 AM (U/Z2x)

6 I do know that this is a serious issue, and we have talked about it, the only quick fix I can come up with... a limo a driver

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at August 22, 2006 12:33 PM (/9Dxs)

7 Cat - while I cannot imagine dealing with the fear I can tell you that the 2 hour commute, if the job is GREAT is do-able. Oh, folks will think you're crazy, there will be days you hate it - but it's do able. I have it because I just can't deal with living in the city again, if I don't have to. So I commute. Not much help and I'm sorry. But know - where there's a will there's a way. Do NOT let the fear win....

Posted by: Tammi at August 22, 2006 02:27 PM (Bitcf)

8 .... all fear can eventually be conquered... keep trying, Cat.... you can do it if you really want to...

Posted by: Eric at August 23, 2006 08:43 AM (r5XsL)

9 My first response is, you're in DC, right? No wonder you don't want to drive. Craziest place I have ever driven in. But aside from the joking, I can sympathize. You are not the only one. You will just have to stick to the bigger cities that have good public transportation systems.

Posted by: Laurie at August 23, 2006 12:26 PM (YmcHY)

10 Well Sweetie I can't help you there. In a way I feel your pain. I don't like to admit it but I am as scared of flying as you are of driving. I can't get anywhere near an airplane without getting very nervous and sickly feeling. There is no way I can get in one to go anywhere without medication. I've been that way all my life. I go to the doctor and get myself some Valium everytime I have to fly somewhere. Every time the plane leaves the ground I take 40 milligrams of Valium and ask the flight attendants to be sure and wake me when we are safely on the ground. If there are any other problems during the flight, I don't want to know about it. I'd rather be asleep than awake if the plane is going to hit something and come to a sudden stop at 600+ miles per hour. If God meant for man to fly we would have been born with wings on our ass. :-(

Posted by: assrot at August 23, 2006 06:43 PM (ARCEn)

11 Hey, Cat... it ain't the same thing, not by a long shot, but I smucked hard on the bike, once. I forced myself to ride over, and over, and over. I crashed on a curve, so I charged the curves as fast as I safely could... for days. It took me a good long while, but I finally got over it. Like I said, I know it's not the same thing, but perhaps some of the same principles may be beneficial. Like Jimbo said, hit an empty parking lot and work on your greatest fears. If you don't ever feel comfortable, no big deal. I've known a few peeps who wouldn't drive. Better that you feel safe. Sorry to ramble...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 24, 2006 11:11 PM (8pWv9)

12 Well, I never knew that. I mean, I suspected, but I didn't think it was because of your anxiety. I thought you were just one of those people that never bothered to get a license. There are lots of those people in NYC and also here in Seattle. I have absolutely no advice on whether you should confront your fear. However, I can speak on the 2 hr commute angle. I get up at 4:35am so that I can leave the house by 5:30am to drive to the train station (I could take a bus but it makes me nauseated) to catch the 5:57am train into Seattle. I ride the train for about 50 minutes. I get off the train and walk to the bus stop. I catch the bus and then I'm at my desk by roughly 7:15/7:20am. Oh, and that's if the train and/or bus wasn't running late. Why do I get up at 4:35am? Because I absolutely love my job and the company I work for. The sacrifice makes it worth it. And you know what? Commuting on public transport is WAYYYYYYY less stressful than driving. Not to mention it saves lots of money since my company pays for my train/bus pass. You are forgeting about some other options that may be available to you with commuting. Being the internet savy chick that you are, I recommend you find a vanpool, rideshare, or carpool with people going to the same area. Either that, or do the public transport. Or move. Sure, driving scares you. I prefer to look at the silver lining: no car payment, no car maintenance, no car insurance, no stressing about gas prices, and no having to wash or clean your car (and anyone who has seen your bedroom knows that you don't need another place to clean -stash stuff-).

Posted by: Dorothy at August 26, 2006 11:50 PM (4Yyo8)

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As promised ...

The haircare products (much fewer of these):

The infamous lotions ...

And finally, by AWTM's request, the body wash/exfolliants/random skin care products:

If only you people knew how small my bathroom really was, you'd be AMAZED that I fit all this crap in there. And that's not even touching the contacts, make up, hair accessories, or nail products.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:10 PM | Comments (15) | Add Comment
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Some days, I wonder how it got so girly in here ...

I have 13 bottles of shampoo

(only 11 are pictured because I forgot about the other 2)

I have 15 bottles of conditioner

And I'm the only one using them. No roommates to share with or anything like that.

Can anyone beat those numbers?

Next up, more hair care products ... and lotions ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:30 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Thanks to T1G, my personality by numerology:

There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 94
There are 8 vowels and 14 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 5

A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.

In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.

You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I got an email not too long ago from a local blogger letting me know that one of my "Good Reads" had directed him to a she-male pr0n site. When I linked it, it was a housewife telling of her tales with cooking and legos. My how times change when you're not paying attention.

Today, I click another of the links and found myself looking at a girl in many (some bizzare) nude poses. Another of my links changed while I wasn't looking.

I think its time to clean up the blogroll a little ....

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:32 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I think it is the not working that has me in such a funk. Too much time, not enough order. Sure, there are chores to be done, projects to be completed ... but there are no deadlines, no structure, no pressing need.

It has left me in need of a pedicure.

Who wouldn't feel better with cute toes like these?

Now to find a shop that can replicate my floral San Diego cuteness...

Update: My sock-less cohort in up to a little monkey business of her own

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:31 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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I just don't want to blog.

I'm in a bloggy funk.

I just don't want to read.

I'm a bloggy grump.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:53 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Need I say more?
Thank you John Mayer.

I wish I'd had his CD back during my conversation with the lady falling from paradise ... it might have been effective ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:48 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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RSM got me to thinking about that pain that comes from within - those ones we all try our best to overcome, kick dirt on, or ignore - you know the ones ... self-doubt, insecurity, fear of not finding a place to belong ...

There are periods in my life where I feel like I'll never stop facing them. And there are points in my life where I let them dampen my experiences. But then there are also moments where I realize how I have held myself back with these pains and I try to be more aware.

Since moving out East, I've gotten a lot of the "you're not from here, are you?" from locals and transplants from long ago. Sometimes it makes me just a tad bit paranoid, thinking everyone thinks I don't belong.

On my bad days, I get down about it ... I let myself think I am the problem. I sit and wonder if I am just a freak that can't connect.

On my good days, I think to myself Hell no, I'm not from here. Thank God! But the place might not be half bad if people with manners and the ability to care lived here instead of people like you. And then to calm the bitterness, I think of someone else saying to me, "My, you are so beautifully out of place."

I don't think the pains will ever go away, for anyone. Somehow, I think they are the evil check on an out of control ego and arrogance run wild. The pains are normal. I think it is the ones that don't feel the pain that are the ones with the problem. Maybe they are naive, or emotionally insincere, or just plain stupid ... but they just aren't normal in my book.

But when it is an especially doubt-filled day where the pain seems to be the only thing you can feel, don't forget to sing to yourself these wonderful words:

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:36 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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To anyone that lives in Platte County, MO ...

I implore you to vote in your local elections today.

Please

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:30 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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How is it that they very same people that tell you they don't watch the news are the same people that want to tell you what's wrong with the world?

I tried my best to be non-confrontational with this woman, but I deserve a medal for doing it ... this woman was fiercely persistant in her absolute ignorance.

She told me all about how oil companies should be doing business and conducting themselves in a more environmentally manner, but has no idea where U.S. oil is imported from and drives an SUV (because it was cheap).

She stood firmly against Bush and the war in Iraq, using her father's negative experience returning home from Vietnam as her reasoning, but has not sought out a single positive story or made an effort to help a service member returning home.

She advocated coalition action in the world, and then asked what the U.N. was all about.

She railed on the corruption and incompetance of politicians, but couldn't name a single one that represented her.

She informed me on everything she felt was wrong with schools today, but didn't know what school system she lived in.

I tell you what lady, if ignorance is bliss ... you just took a fall from paradise.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:09 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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My trip up to the bizzare state of Penn went really well. I say bizzare because they don't seem to have heard of so many seemingly normal and useful things ... such as, radio ... toilet seat covers ... or water balloons. WTF? Personally, I blame the Dutch.

The drive was much shorter than anticipated, both coming and going. That didn't stop me from getting antsy, achey, and overall stir crazy (as my CD collection rather blows and someone has failed to send their XM receiver down to me) but still ... better to feel that way for as little time as possible.

Here are pics of the men I went all that way to see:

Little Man T (4 m/o)

Big Man D, the birthday boy (2 y/o) **

It was a good time with the extended family. No drama. No death. Lots of laughs. Children playing. Plenty of food I had no business eating (and it was YUMMY!). I just may adopt them as my more immediate family for a while.

**Yes, that is a mohawk he's sportin in the pic ... or as he calls it a "ho-hawk." It was even dyed blue the day I arrived.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:07 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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That's right, I may not need a man but I'm off to meet one anyway ... sort of.

I'll be gone all weekend celebrating my little cousin's second birthday and meeting his little brother for the first time.

Ya'll be good now, ya hear?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:53 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Or at least that's what the Pussycat Dolls are chanting these days. Not that they are the only ones, they just happened to be the ones I was listening to when this post popped into my head.

I get the idea behind these songs, women are strong. We can do things for ourselves and be happy with our own accomplishments. Honestly, I didn't need a song to remind me of that.

But I still think they are wrong...

I do need a man ... not because he said so or anyone else told me I to, but because I said so. Why's that, you ask? Because I can have my own job, make my own money, buy my own things, make the majority of my own repairs on things, or not get taken for a ride by the mechanic and never once think that if I were with a man that things would be any different. My identity does not lie in some popularly trumped up feminist notion of independence.

I may not need a man, per se, but I am definitely not part of the feminist cadre that claims my world should function equally as well without one. The world I want for myself, my future, is one with a partner - a man. If that means I need a man, and that is just socially uncool, so be it. I will happily be branded an outcast.

If you ask me, these lyrics are breeding bitches, not strong women. Not to mention rationalizing the immaturity that they live in by telling them it is ok to bail and jump in bed with his best friend for a few weeks when he doesn't fall to every whim.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:28 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I couldn't tell you what made me pick up the phone today - as opposed to tomorrow, yesterday, or last week - but I finally did.

I called my local USO.

The director is on vacation so I'll have to wait a bit before getting my feet wet as a volunteer, but it is about time I spent my days doing something more useful.

And last week, I got someone who thought he didn't belong to join the local VFW post and see that he could be part of something that helps so many.

There are so many things I could have done or ways I could have helped in the past, but dwelling on them won't help me or anyone else. Instead, I will build a future I want to be a part of starting from each day I am given.

I will make a difference, one day at a time, one encounter at a time.
I will be the change I hope to see in the world.
I am a volunteer.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:14 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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First of all, I accept full responsibility for not being better at setting the money aside that I knew would eventually come due, but ...

I'm about to kick my landlord in the shins

He sent an email today asking me to pony up $3079.14. Not the pair of us that live here, me. Oh, but I can do half now and the rest in 3 monthly payments. HA! I don't think so. Has this guy gone certifiably insane?

Let me reiterate here dude: A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. Got it?

For the more than a year - yes I said YEAR ... as in a full 12 flips of the calendar pages and then some - he has failed to bill us for utilities. Utilities which I think are too high, might I add. But lack of upkeep has a way of doing that to your heating and cooling bills. So now that he's gotten around to sending me an email, I'm supposed to pay utilities for July 05 through May 06.

And how long will I have to wait to be billed for the other two summer months that have gone by but you were too lazy to include? Apparently another year at this rate.

On top of that, he's trying to get August rent from me from a year ago. I wrote the check, he lost the check. So now you want me to pay double rent for August of this year to make up for your mistake? I'm not the one that lost the check, sounds like it should be when it is convenient for me to replace the check since you created the inconvenience.

This guy thinks I need to be jumping right on paying him but where was he when my fan needed to be fixed? Too busy, its still broken more than 6 months later. Where was he when we started getting water damage from the heavy rains? Who knows, he didn't answer his email. Where is he on fixing the leaking doors and windows? To cheap, I'm sure. And the rotting seal around the kitchen sink? He'll let it fall through the counter before he does a thing, no doubt.

Once money gets involved, people just suck. UGH

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:46 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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After much prodding from my dad, I finally broke down and bought one of those fire safes that's supposed to offer a half hour of protection for whatever items of value that you can fit in the heavy little sucker.

I have always seen the value in them, to a degree, but I never really thought I had anything worth putting in one. Boy was I wrong. I'm finding all kinds of important things to put in there.

And graduation money I forgot I had ... score!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:30 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I took a page out of the blogosphere's very own Mr. Hospitality's book this weekend and hosted a blogmeet at home.

It was a fantastic turnout. The usual suspects graced my humble abode, I finally got to meet Professor Chaos, Sabre (and her friend), Lysander's other half, and even host a couple tykes.

Of course there was more food than anyone could possibly eat ... cuz duh, feeding people is what I do (wings anyone?) ... plenty of interesting conversation to go around ... the obligatory twat talk that comes with having a gyn as a friend ... and an amazing recitation of Office Space

I think I just might do this again, what do you say guys? I'll even try to plan a surprise guest for the next one.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:27 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I wish I could say it ain't my day to care, but I'm not there just yet. Give me a couple more days, hopefully just til mid-day tomorrow, and I'll be set for a while.

I came home to a bunch of last minute fix-its that I should have taken care of before I left, but I put them off. So today is a bit of panic, but I think I have myself organized well enough that the stress is probably unwarranted.

The burial was very brief and very good for all of us. Her casket was perfectly her, elegant and simple, cream with pink accent flowers painted on it. The cemetary was beautiful with flowers decorating nearly every gravemarker as far as you could see. And greatest of all, she is back with her son Kevin that died as a young child.

Times like the past couple of days in rural Indiana are almost enough to make me wish I were even less of a city girl. Friends of hers opened up their home to the entire family and friends they'd never met. We all had supper and dinner together. We had the freshest garden food and desserts only country hands could dream of making. There was a love and tenderness among strangers that I can't say I've felt in any recent memorable past.

It was exactly what her small town soul would have wanted.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:51 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Ok, Kiddies ... I'm out ... again

Not for quite as long this time, but for another funeral ... ugh

Be good and send some happy thoughts to AWTM, she's having a shitty time of it today (hehe, sorry ... I couldn't help it ...)

I don't think you'll be graced with any guests this time. Sorry.

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