RSM got me to thinking about that pain that comes from within - those ones we all try our best to overcome, kick dirt on, or ignore - you know the ones ... self-doubt, insecurity, fear of not finding a place to belong ...

There are periods in my life where I feel like I'll never stop facing them. And there are points in my life where I let them dampen my experiences. But then there are also moments where I realize how I have held myself back with these pains and I try to be more aware.

Since moving out East, I've gotten a lot of the "you're not from here, are you?" from locals and transplants from long ago. Sometimes it makes me just a tad bit paranoid, thinking everyone thinks I don't belong.

On my bad days, I get down about it ... I let myself think I am the problem. I sit and wonder if I am just a freak that can't connect.

On my good days, I think to myself Hell no, I'm not from here. Thank God! But the place might not be half bad if people with manners and the ability to care lived here instead of people like you. And then to calm the bitterness, I think of someone else saying to me, "My, you are so beautifully out of place."

I don't think the pains will ever go away, for anyone. Somehow, I think they are the evil check on an out of control ego and arrogance run wild. The pains are normal. I think it is the ones that don't feel the pain that are the ones with the problem. Maybe they are naive, or emotionally insincere, or just plain stupid ... but they just aren't normal in my book.

But when it is an especially doubt-filled day where the pain seems to be the only thing you can feel, don't forget to sing to yourself these wonderful words:

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:36 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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