April 04, 2007
A lot has happened in two years.
I am reminded that even though this site was not my first jump into blogging, I am still blogging for the same reasons. I am still searching for words to understand my world (and the things that happen in it), trying to connect my fingers to my heart so that my head may glimpse the hidden perspective.
More often than not, I feel like I am venting ... complaining with anger about something that cannot be changed. It does not stop me from believing that I have the power to influence the world like it could. Instead, I find myself motivated to find another solution, a way around the roadblock, insistent that I can prevail.
I'm not sure how the humor creeps in, but it does ... maybe we'd all go a little insane if it didn't.
So ... Happy Blogiversary!!
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April 01, 2007
Oh I'd Like To Know About When
When Does It All Turn Around?
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10:28 PM
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March 23, 2007
I'm not a huge fan of the profession to begin with but when I end up in a room with those that have an ego or attitude that clearly entered the room before they did (and hardly fitting through the door), they are on very thin ice. They'd better be damn good at their job for me to put up with that kind of crap.
And the ones that think they have pulled off humble well enough to fool me? Try again. I've got a bullshit meter like you wouldn't believe. Be genuine or find a new patient to pay for your malpractice insurance.
The ones that really irk me are the ones who think my medical care should be done on their schedule. I understand that there are a lot of patients and only so much time in a day. Tests take time, procedures can't always happen this instant, some insurance companies limit reimbursement for office visits, etc. But there is no reason under the sun that I should have to come into the office for a very simple test result that does not require a discussion of treatment options. And when you don't call my insurance company for days on end after promising to call the day I was in your office ... it is the last straw. You are now fired. You are not so special that my test results cannot be transfered to someone who actually feels like being responsive to patient needs.
While I'm at it ... when you are from country A, attended medical school in country B, and practice medicine here in the States with that kind of attitude ... I have every right to question your reputation, your credibility, and your medical record. If you don't like it, tough shit ... My ass in this chair means you are getting paid. I will gladly fill someone else's pockets that actually gives a shit about the person in the chair if you just can't be bothered.
(With rants like these, I may grow up to be just like Uncle Jimbo before I know it)
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March 22, 2007
Praying to God and breathing deep
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11:24 AM
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March 21, 2007
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place Just when you think you've met the bravest person in the world that you wish you had the courage to be, someone else comes along and shows you that there is a whole new level of strength that you didn't even know a person could have.
I opened my email this morning and there sat a request for help. A girl I've known since high school has decided to write a book - her life story. She has suffered with a "problem" that science has labeled an impulse-disorder ever since I've known her. She's tried medication and therapy, but science doesn't have an answer to help her.
She wants our perspective - the friends, the family, the ex-boyfriends, the co-workers - to tell the world what it is like to have this disorder. She said:
"I've always felt I was given this disorder to make a difference and I think by telling my story, I can educate the world on this secret disorder. Even if I never conquer this disorder, I hope others can learn by communicating my experiences."
I still don't know what to say. Me ... I, the princess of prattle, am speechless. I am humbled to have this friend in my life and just so proud of her ... so proud
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05:22 PM
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March 19, 2007
Damn you, RSM!
Damn you, Buckethead!
Now I have the macbook in my head and it won't get out!
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10:33 PM
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You'll owe me.
March 18, 2007
And that's good to know
'Cause I've heard it all before
But I'm walking on water now The medical drama seems as if it may be wrapping up ... thank GOD!
Surgery went extremely well yesterday (although, the COAW wasn't there in time to talk to the surgeon after surgery like we were). They removed a 10-15 pound tumor that could have plausibly been there for about 8 years based on symptoms. TEN to FIFTEEN POUNDS!!! If that doesn't say incompetence from the primary physicians, I don't know what does.
I am feeling like perhaps the universe is managing to see the right thing through, despite the best efforts of some people to muck it up with their own baggage. I don't have a whole lot of faith that such things are likely to happen, but I am happy this weekend to see that, just maybe, my lost faith was a mistake.
A week ago this man's wife and son decided that there was nothing to be done for him. Without a biopsy or a second opinion they put their foot down that surgery would just speed his death so it wouldn't happen. They began planning for hospice without a single sign that this man's death was anywhere near.
Today he's facing a whole new life (and smaller pants!) without any of their unfounded fears ever threatening to come to light.
Yet, they are still the small, petty people they will always be. Because I was the person that never gave up hope, because I am the person that cried when they gave up, because I am the person that pushed for more information, because I stood up for myself when they treated me badly, because I insist on being the person that keeps everyone going toward something better ... they will not acknowledge my presence in a room or accept any specialist I can lead them to. They deserve the misery they live in.
I am relieved that mercy found this man, that what could have been devastating was not, and that I was able to reinforce within me the strength it takes to stand in the face of what others would not.
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02:11 PM
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March 16, 2007
You Are Grape |
 You are bold and a true individual. You are very different and very okay with that. People know you as a straight shooter. You're very honest, even when the truth hurts. You are also very grounded and practical. No one is going to sneak anything by you. People enjoy your fresh approach to life. And it's this honesty that makes you a very innovative person. |
Posted by: Princess Cat at
03:11 PM
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Down and out
It's where you oughta stay So here's the update on me for the past week:
The aforementioned stupid, self-absorbed cunt of a whore ... ? Even more so. I can't honestly think of a concise statement to describe how unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and incompetent this woman is. Lets try by example to enlighten everyone:
-- Her husband was transfered to a new hospital and she visited him the next day, but hasn't seen him for the last five.
-- Her husband began refusing treatment and said he wanted to talk to her. When we told her this, she refused to call him. (Note: She has not called him at all since he went into the hospital 3 weeks ago)
-- She refuses to call any of the doctors or nurses to check on her husband - "it is their job to call me" as she sees it. (Note: The doctors do not want to drop everything to call her and have said she needs to call them)
-- When doctors do try to get her on the phone her line is busy or no one answers. When they call the secondary numbers, she screams at the person they called for "interfering"
-- The doctors have said they need to do a face-to-face to discuss consent issues and the next steps in treatment - she hasn't indicated a willingness to be present.
Oh, and have I mentioned, she's the power of attorney? The hospital asked the grandson to become an additional power of attorney but when we discovered she has to approve it, we knew it would never happen.
In my life, I got sick. Just when I thought I was feeling better, my body started producing disgusting stuff that just can't be a good sign.
Fuck me running ... how long am I supposed to be the rock with the positive thoughts? Cuz I'm really running out of steam here.
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09:33 AM
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March 08, 2007
All you people at the top, don't know nothin' about it Seriously ... some people should just not be allowed to be in a position of power. And I do mean any kind of position where they are the decision maker.
What kind of woman calls the hospital and instructs them not to release information to anyone but her? Not even the patients own relatives after they have spent a week and a half being her primary caregivers and intimately involved in the case from the very beginning! Oh yeah, the same kind of woman that leaves her husband sitting in the hospital for a week waiting on a transfer to another hospital that can't even be bothered to return a phone call about the case, let alone actually read the file. Meanwhile she's turning down another hospital actually calling to ask where their patient is.
You stupid, self-absorbed cunt of a whore.
Too bad the poor man can't speak for himself because for all we know, he's dying right before our eyes.
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03:16 PM
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March 07, 2007
I finally went and ordered my dream bedding. It is for a queen when I only have a full but I've got sheets & a bedskirt that will match well enough for now. Eventually I'll upgrade the bedside and the whole thing will go together beautifully. THe most important part is ... as long as everything goes right (I was told by 3 people today that this was unavailable, 1 person said it was $500, and 1 finally ordered it for me for half price like it was supposed to be), soon enough I will be sleeping on this little piece of heaven:
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March 05, 2007
I told one of my co-workers last week, its really starting to feel like I just can't catch a break. The minute there is a chance for something to go awry, it does. Sometimes things still work out in the end (not holding my breath that the bedding shows up, despite the hold on my credit card), sometimes they don't. It still feels like the universe is off kilter and the dominos just can't help but fall over, no matter how many times I keep setting them back up.
I left work early about a week and a half ago to make sure that someone wasn't going to be left in the ER and would actually get admitted to the hospital for his pneumonia. 16 hrs after he arrived, in the middle of the night, they found him a bed.
A week later, just as they were ready to send him to a nursing home for daily physical therapy to get some strength back, a surgeon drops the bomb that he needs to be in the OR Monday. A CT scan found an abdominal mass, a liver mass, and fluid in the abdomen. Whaaa? We thought he has pnumonia ... where did a surgeon come from??
His family and my family both went into overdrive trying get ok with the idea that surgery would happen, to find out if this surgeon had the credentials to make that call, and to get him in the hands of someone who was more specialized. Turns out he wasn't just some schmuck with a scalpel but a transfer to a different hospital was ultimately decided.
Monday has come and gone. No surgery has happened, the transfer hasn't happened, no assessment has been made by the new hospital. I really want to be hopeful and positive, for the sake of everyone involved, but I am beginning to feel like a magnet for all things that can go wrong.
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05:31 PM
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February 23, 2007
What Your Hands Say About You |
 You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Idealistic and dreamy, you tend toward the impractical. You have a knack for getting yourself in sticky situations. Brainy and intelligent, you are intellectual to the point of being incomprehensible. Your emotions tend to be relaxed and uncomplicated. You don't read too much into things. |
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09:13 AM
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February 21, 2007
You Might Think Im Out Of Place
Im Not Lost, No No, Just Undiscovered Mom got into town on Friday and left on Tuesday ... driving me crazy as usual. It was actually a good visit but some major buttons kept getting pushed that I had a hard time not losing it over.
She and I have discussed the boundaries of our relationship and conversations but she doesn't seem to want to respect them. Yet, she can't stand hearing my dissenting opinion when she crosses those boundaries. How hard is it to understand the concept of "if you don't want to hear my opinion, don't ask for it?"
We did go visit Monticello and see Thomas Jefferson's house. I had been once before, 5 yrs ago but she had never seen it. I have to say, the tour guides and their scripts have gone seriously downhill. The guides hardly had a pulse and their scripts were so entirely PC that it was offensive. But I'll get into that in another post later...
Mom and I also spent many hours over two days at fabric stores over the weekend in preparation for breaking in my new sewing machine. I managed to make a giant blanket for my sofa (since my living room is always so damn cold) and get part of a new window treatment for the dining room done. The rest of the fabric for the living room treatments had to be ordered so I'll have to work on them down the line somewhere. I've got fabric ordered for half my bedroom project and a good idea of fabrics that I'd like to use for the drapes ... assuming they match my new bedding that I will order once my gift card shows up in the mail.
Apparently I'm becoming a regular domestic diva ... who'd have thought?
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11:47 AM
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February 18, 2007
I went to bed one night with the worst of my problems being a resume that wasn't quite right, a few papers to write, some emotional baggage, and a bit of distance among friends over who I chose to date. Really, not great, but none of it felt insurmountable. I thought that my life was fairly on track.
I had no idea that when I went to sleep that night that I would wake up in an entirely different world ... or that the phone would ring and you would be gone.
I couldn't know how cheated I would wake up to feel ... and for so long.
So many things I thought you would see me do and achieve and be proud for ...
All the questions that didn't have the right moments to ask ...
The lessons I didn't make the time to learn ...
The moments I wish would have gone differently, the ones that I thought would fade into the past with new opportunities turned out to be our last
I have found within myself things that I did not know were there and some that I wish I did not know. I am learning and facing life at a break neck rate, a painful frozen standstill, and frustrating groundhog day pace. I am more distant now than ever before with the ones I have grown closest to. I am the picture of strength hiding a shattered heart. I am ashamed that I have not lived up to your example in the face of all that is unfair.
I remember when it rained ... it poured ... I wasn't ready
I have visited but the stone still isn't real. It's still not your name they wrote there. I still think I might wake up and none of this pain will have been real ... I won't have watched a family shred or the evidence of your daily habits become a museum.
"Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry."
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February 14, 2007
I know, I know ... its a holiday invented by Hallmark and you really should be telling your lovely that you love them everyday in little special ways ... but just go with it people.
Get a card at least.
Make someone else's day even if you think it is a crap smooch fest meant only to alienate and embitter the singles of the world.
And don't forget to smile ... you never know who might notice
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01:12 PM
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February 12, 2007
I had my heat problem resurface, my water go out (water main break), my neighbors pissed off at me, in addition to rejoining the retail workforce.
Retail is retail ... not much to say about that. The personalities that existed in my last store have been resurrected in the new bodies that fill this one. Some customers are pleasant, others are the kind that strike up personal conversations or take phone calls while you are giving them the help they asked for. Twice I have just walked away. I don't get paid enough to operate on your personal schedule people.
My neighbors have been appeased ... but I am quickly learning why they are so isolated from the rest of our community. They are the stereotypical PITA fucks that think their lives come first.
The water main break was repaired relatively quickly and only caused a minor problem but sure as hell freaked me out at 11pm the same night my heat had been out all day. The last thing I needed was frozen pipes.
The heat problem has been the most frustrating of all ... I called a furnace guy who came to look at it three times last week. He left Friday still not knowing what was wrong with it, leaving me to reset the furnace twice that night to get it running again. I fully intended to call this morning but it hasn't gone out again since Friday. He swears it isn't the thermostat ... I just don't know what to believe anymore.
Oh, and the bathroom ... no primer + flat paint + low tile = water on my wall and a paint scraping project I SO did not have the mood to deal with. I've been showering in my guest room and putting off dealing with the paint but with a potential roommate next week and my mom in town on Friday I am trying to bust myself to get it done ... in both bathrooms ... while working a 40 hr week & closing every night.
Who ever said all they wanted to do was be a grown up had no idea what they were talking about.
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12:20 PM
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February 08, 2007
Let Me Work It Out
Don't You Take It Personal So I'm useless for actual blogging right now ...
Go check out these two bands instead:
Army of Me - Alternative Rock, I suppose ...
Their whole CD plays automatically when you bring up their page
Under The Influence of Giants - Funk/Fusion/80s inspired
Three full tracks are available under music ("In The Clouds" is the song that got me turned on to this band but "Mama's Room" is catchy too)
Keep yourselves entertained ... I know how you get when you're bored
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11:19 PM
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February 07, 2007
I honestly have to just laugh because once again I feel like I couldn't even make this stuff up. But it wouldn't be my life if it didn't go that way ... would it?
I've done my share of crying too with a lot on my mind that I just don't feel like talking about ... hence the no blogging.
Cross your fingers that Thursday doesn't start the way Tuesday and Wednesday did ...
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11:05 PM
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February 04, 2007
Go HERE and heed her call for donations - however small they may be - so that we can be sure Hook gets the chance to touch the lives he is meant to touch. And remember, whatever money he doesn't use on his tickets and accommodations is going straight to Fischer House. Uncle Jimbo will have to find his bail money somewhere else this year ...
And if you for some reason don't know who Hook is and don't understand why he should be at the Milblogging Conference, go over and read a bit of what he's had to say. No conference would be complete without a few words from our wonderful Sgt. Hook.
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04:51 PM
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