Techno music was blarring, so loudly in fact that nothing else worldly could hardly be heard. The loudest sounds were the panicked and angry, silent screams of frustration.
The world moved by slow enough to make out every detail as it passed by. But the world sped by fast enough to make holding on a futile effort.

I sat in the back of the car today as we drove down the freeway, watching everything I called home speed by as something no longer mine. I nearly cried as I simply let go... of the hopes, the dreams, the plans, the everything that I thought I had found here. It isn't my home anymore. It isn't a place of relaxation or safety.

This is a painful memory of what is never to come alive for me ... one that is slowly speeding by ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:56 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I think I should stop and clarify for a moment ...
When I bitched previously about my mistreatment at the hands of Dad's wife, I did not mean to imply that the mistreatment was in solely my direction. She is mean to my brother, just as deeply, but much more often since he lives in town. I did not mean to imply that this woman had it out for me - she resents and mistreats every decent aspect of my father's life ... not just me...

That being said... we had dinner together tonight - My father, my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, the step family, and me ...

An Italian restaurant, with nothing even remotely known as Italian American on the menu, on Christmas Eve. You couldn't even find meat on the menu hardly. No spaghetti, no lasagna, no chicken parmigiano. And the service was terrible.

The only upside to missing tradition, any sort of family bond, or seasonal atmosphere? Lots and lots of wine

Hope Santa still brings presents to us girls well on our way to being smashed!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think I've hit a record here ...

Less than 24 hours in town and already I've been reduced to tears

You see, I've got half the family up in arms because I've decided to put my foot down this year. And in defending myself I ended up in a reddened faced ball of tears, with my Scotch-Irish heritage giving away just how upset I really was as my whole neck turned a blushing, blotchy, bright red too.

For at least six holiday seasons I have had to put up with the ice queen my father married a few years ago. Every time we meet, she is mean. Just plain mean. I am not supposed to talk about it because it makes my dad uncomfortable. I am supposed to be the bigger person and let it go. I am supposed to brush it off and just accept that it is the way she is, it is nothing personal.

Well you know what? It is personal. It is hurtful. It is uncalled for. And I never hear so much as an "it is unfortunate that she treats you this way" out of my father.

I believe I have been patient. I believe I have been tolerant of the time it takes to blend two instant families. I even understand that no amount of will to do so can change another person's thoughts or behaviors. However, that time of leniency has run out and I have decided that there will be no more. I love my father, I want to see him, and I want to spend Christmas with his side of my family, but I refuse to do it at his house and on her turf. Because if my father cannot nuture my discomfort and insult at the hands of his wife, then I will not be willfully wounded on his behalf.

But to the rest of the family, I am just a bitch...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:50 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I burst into tears watching TV last night ... again ... not out of saddness but out of that "I've-totally-been-there" connection. The character was crying, so I was crying. Grey's Anatomy does it to me almost every time I remember to watch. The scene...

Alex: "Why are you here helping me after what I did?" [he cheated on her]

Izzy: "Because... it's what JESUS WOULD FREAKIN' DO!"

Nearly every one of my exes has asked me that question in some form or another and my answer was always "because it's what I do." I can't say I do it because it is what Jesus would do, mostly because religion and faith are still a huge jumble of confusion in my head, but it's the same idea. They lie, they cheat, they screw me over and, even in my anger, I'm there to help them when they really need it...because that's what good people do. Because I can't sit by and let someone fail when I know I can keep them from failing. Because in the end, my pain is temporary and being able to look myself in the mirror every morning is for good. Because maybe, just maybe, if I keep putting little bits of good into the world, they willl add up and someday it won't be such a painful thing to get through.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:04 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Yeah, um...move over Stimpy...

I broke up with my boyfriend in October and we've been trying to do the whole friends thing. It's been a little turbulent at times, but we're trying...

We had a bit of a tiff this morning so I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing a different ex, good friend of mine, getting his view on things. Which was all good until I was an idiot...

I swear all I did was hit reply...

My last email to the ex-ex with a nasty note about the ex, somehow went to the ex instead...

Damn them for having the same name!

Hi, My name is Princess Cat and I am an IDIOT!

*head* *hit* *desk*

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:54 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Smooth. I never attempted the friends thing, no desire for the drama. Plus most of my ex's were nuts anyways.

Posted by: the Pirate at December 08, 2005 05:36 PM (0ZKi5)

2 That there is something like a Freudian slip. It needed to be done so you could cut the ties with your ex. Maybe you sub-conciously did it on purpose. The cat's out of the bag now. Let the chips fall where they may and move on. You're young. Life is too short to be sweating over the small stuff.

Posted by: assrot at December 08, 2005 07:19 PM (ARCEn)

3 Another thought. That guy let a fine babe like you get away. I'd say he's the IDIOT. :-)

Posted by: assrot at December 08, 2005 07:20 PM (ARCEn)

4 ouch... I bety that will leave a mark, the e-mail, not the desk....

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at December 08, 2005 08:29 PM (IL4IH)

5 I'm friends with most of my ex's. It can work. Just know when it is time to cut the losses and keep on movin'. sooooooo.... hear tell... you're single again, huh?.... (I swear that's not my voice on the outgoing message)

Posted by: RSM at December 08, 2005 09:58 PM (KLCgV)

6 I had wondered if y'all broke up. I never saw anything stating it outright, but I guess I missed it. Yeah and I can't remain friends with ex's...but that could be because I'm the one who broke up with them...

Posted by: Dorothy at December 09, 2005 06:46 AM (8gPTf)

7 Are we allowed to point and laugh now, or is there an appropriate period of "mourning" first?

Posted by: Ogre at December 09, 2005 07:30 AM (/k+l4)

8 Haha: assrot said 'the cat's out of the bag now.' And you're Cat... and you let it slip... Well, it's funnier in my mind than when I write it here.

Posted by: Telebush at December 09, 2005 08:35 AM (6RfLk)

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The funny thing about them is, if you aren't looking for them... you just might not see them coming up as you slide yourself along that wall you are using to keep yourself upright as you struggle to escape where you came from...

But let me tell you, when you get flung around that corner you didn't see coming, it can smart the elbow or the toes pretty good.

Tonight, I myself banged up a couple toes ... despite the fact that I've been looking for that corner for a year or so ... that sucker just came out of nowhere! It feels good to be on this side of the wall for a change. I found couple of little pieces of me that have been hiding around this corner too. I didn't know where in the maze of life they got lost but I'm hoping they stick around for a while.

At the end of the night, banged up or not, I've turned a corner... and most people would call that progress. I'm gonna run with it.

(Why am I starting to feel like Tammi's silver lining fairy stopped by for a visit?)

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Because she did. Tough journey...those corners kick my ass everytime. But congrats. It's all good in the long run.

Posted by: Tammi at December 05, 2005 07:59 AM (fG4Jz)

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