The path you choose is not mine to judge but I can't help but do so. Your life and your decisions do not affect me but still I am affected in my reactions to them.

I don't know if I should take pride in knowing I was right or be disappointed that things really aren't that different...

You are bad at relationships and you have been unsure if you are ready for one...so dating your roommate seemed like the right place to test it out? How the hell did that make sense in your head? No escape to your own house when things get tough. No space to call your own that she doesn't have claim to first. You always know where she is and she will always know where you are. The commitment-phobe has placed himself in the most committed relationship of his life...there is no escape from it but to move. At this rate, have you proposed yet?

I have no right to be angry but still I am. I'm not jealous, I feel as if I have been deceived. All this time I have heard how much you have changed - evidence would indicate otherwise. I have heard you say the words, "you were right, I should have listened" but still you don't.

I have always thought better of you than what you could live up to. Perhaps it is I that need make less foolish decisions...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If there is one thing I am terrible at, it is hiding the way I feel. I wear my emotions across my face all of the time, even when I don't realize it. I guess I'm pretty transparent that way...especially in the last few weeks. I have had people come up to me and ask me what is wrong or strangers give me the 'you look so sad' face. The main reason would be my difficulties with Agent Smith. Someone I considered to be one of my closest friends. And now, someone who has turned away from that bond. She used to read this blog but I'm not sure if she still will. I'm not writing to try to instigate anything with her; I just don't know what to do with it anymore. Hopefully she will understand that if she reads this, but I'm not holding my breath...

Disclaimer: If what you are about to read seems petty to you, that's because it is... But that doesn't make it suck any less ...and in my mind, that makes it suck even more.

Agent Smith was a friend that I would do anything for. We had a lot of common interests and we enjoyed each other's company. I did everything I could to help her out. From using whatever connections I had to help her sick father to staying up all night at a diner with her, just so she had moral support to do work she wasn't motivated to do. I gave her any notes I had from previous courses, copies of papers I had received good marks on, and edited paper after paper under the slimmest of deadlines. I wanted to see her succeed so I gave her what I could. We had a lot of good times together around town and a lot of experiences we'll never share with anyone else.

Then I moved away to grad school... Things have never been the same...
I have changed on the East Coast for a number of reasons. First, I'm not happy. Second, grad school isn't the same as undergrad. Third, I have to care a lot more about my future than I did then. Fourth, life has a lot more pressure to it these days than it did when I could gallivant about San Diego with hardly a care in the world. It has not changed who I am at the core. It has only changed the amount of time I have to spend laughing and joking around. I still want to play; I just now have to budget for that differently than I did before. She does not understand this about me and I do not understand her at this point in her life.

We never fought when I lived down the block. Since I've moved we've fought times. This time was too much for her, it seems. The sad part is that the fight always starts over something that should never come between two friends - a guy. We weren't even fighting over the same guy. Our fights revolve around my choice in men. This last fight though was about the way she was treating the man she is dating. I felt that she was behaving badly towards him and she was shocked that I dare question their relationship based on that behavior. Things just got worse from there...

I planned a trip back to San Diego for her graduation. Knowing she would be busy with family in town, I got a hotel close to her apartment and a car large enough to transport 5-6 people to make things easier on everyone. About a week after a fight, I got a message from her boyfriend saying he would be staying in my hotel with me. It was news to me since no one had ever run that past me before, nor had anyone offered to chip in. He said he would talk to her about it and I didn't hear another word on the subject...until I brought it up with her over two weeks later. Three weeks had gone by since she had laughed in my face about things and told me she was over it. She was still pissed and ripped into me for wanting an apology that the hotel misunderstanding was not resolved. Of course, another fight ensued.

Just over 24hrs before I was supposed to fly out for her graduation she e-mailed me (at 5am ET) saying she didn't want to see me while I was in town. We exchanged a few emails before I left but she didn't see me while I was there. There was no apology for the considerable sum of extra money I laid out in order to accommodate her graduation schedule. I flew in a day early, stayed extra days, spent more on a hotel and car than necessary, but I don't think she even realizes it. There was no communication while I was in town other than a text message to my phone at 10:40 the night before I left saying she hoped I had a good time and a safe flight home. I haven't responded because I was sick with anger over the message. I was shocked at how flippant she continues to be and how easily she can just close the door on what we shared.

She feels in her gut that ending our friendship is the right thing for her to do. I can't change that in her. I have asked her to see my side of the story and she won't budge. She believes she is right and capable of seeing the truth for what it is, not what I say it is. She is angry and I'm not who she wants me to be anymore. Under those circumstances, she has no place for me in her life.

I feel like all I can do at this point is wave goodbye. No amount of explaining will undo what she feels is done. I will miss her. She was someone I thought would be there for me through anything.

So ... if you see me and want to know why I am so sad ... it is because Agent Smith has made up her mind and has no qualms about following through.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I gently waved in my heart, full with sadness, to the nasty yellow buildings of MCRD as the plane took off today... I had to leave home yet again.

I went to sleep to ignore the ache...

Once I woke up I tried reading, I tried listening to CDs, but all I could think of was how empty I felt. The pillowy, cotton-like clouds playing peek-a-boo with the farmland were a slight calming force though.

The delicate and intricate ice crystals crept up the window and I knew my heaven of isolation would be over soon...they signified my suspended life would coming back soon... once the floating stopped and the people disappeared.

We sank to land like a rock, quick and without regard for what went past. An eerie orange and yellow halo hung around the shadow of the plane as we descended to the cloud level. Our shadow grew larger and the halo more frightening as we banked left. Through the clouds... the magnificent ice melting... a dingy haze hanging in the air... grass the color of bile... a humid fog crowding the window...

Not a single tear fell but my heart broke with the wheels on the runway. I have returned to where I reside and left home behind yet again...

I don't know when I will go home again...
But I saw within myself answers that cannot be unlearned...
I've returned to a shattered semblance of what life used to be...
The nightmares have already started to come back...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I miss you already...

Girl, your bags are packed
And you ain't coming back is written on them
Take these memories with you
They're just sad and they're blue and I don't want them
Oh, you're not so sure that you're in love anymore
And I ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

I hold a tender place in my heart for you and you know it
I've never said it out loud
Guess I was way too proud to ever show it
We always thought some night that we might get it right
But that ain't going to happen today
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

--Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s the middle of the night, I have an assignment due in 12 hrs, I'm incapable of work, and I'm still awake...Lost...

Several cigarettes and many more tears later...I'm still lost...

Since moving across the country to DC I've found myself with only 3 basic people I held dear and could not live without. In recent months I have lost 2 of them, to a degree. I have been met with distrust, betrayal, and harsh words from them both leaving me in shock that people I loved could wound me so deeply and without remorse. I couldn't tell you with a straight face that I still love them because I have built so many walls in reaction to them. I have been disappointed when they didn't meet expectations I had thought they were far above. I don't know how to come back from the distances we've grown apart or how to ignore the scars that will take time to heal.

The third and only real friend left is a quiet, good natured girl back in CA that is terribly unwilling to impose, just struggling to make ends meet while she worries about her man on his 4th tour since 9/11 and tries desperately to keep a mentally disturbed ex afloat without hurting herself. Naturally, she and I don't get as much time as either of us would like.

I have retreated into a cocoon of safety where no one can get close. My friends have become bloggers that I have grasped so tightly to that they probably think me insane. I'm pretty sure reading this you know who you are and I thank you for all your kindness. It has meant more than you will ever understand in the past months.

It feels wrong to walk away but I want something more for my life. Someone once said to me, "you have the whole rest of the world to be mean to, why me?" And I can't help but feel that way now about these two... Perhaps I would know how to heal if there were simple, sincere, apologetic words for the pain that has been exchanged were to be said... instead I have gotten flat expressions of the right thing to say... and somehow I stay...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:25 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Oh dear, you sound quite down about your relationships. I understand completely though. My husband just asked me the other day if I thought it was possible to have true friendships as an adult. Children are so much more forgiving than adults. I thought about it and I really have no one that I would truly run to in an emotional crisis - they've all gone their ways and left me behind. Perhaps I did the same to them. But, I did have an issue a few weeks ago and I sent a flurry of emails back and forth to some extremely supportive blogger friends. So I also understand what you're saying there! I'm closer to some of them than anyone right around me, outside of immediate family.

Posted by: Idgie at June 02, 2005 08:51 AM (WLM8z)

2 ... sometimes bloggers see sides of people that your friends don't.... writing thoughts and words down shows things we often can't verbalize... it's no wonder that bloggers are such a tightly knit group... ... hang in there, Cat... if there is anything that I can do, just give me a yell...

Posted by: Eric at June 02, 2005 10:36 AM (YlwMq)

3 Hey you, stop procrastinating and get back to writing that assignment. Where'd you put that boot for swift-kicking? And hey, it sounds silly, and you probably don't want to hear it, but when things get really down, there's nowhere to go but up! Come on up!!

Posted by: Ogre at June 02, 2005 11:05 AM (/k+l4)

4 ONE GREAT FRIEND is worth 15 "ok "friends, I promise.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at June 02, 2005 01:00 PM (Jqysp)

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