Despite all the supportive comments and e-mails, I can't say I've been coping real well over the last couple of weeks. In fact, I generally feel like I'm falling apart. Though, I'm sure that was pretty obvious by now.

I put on a good show in front of the people that will remember if I don't, but most days I can't even bring myself to answer the phone. I've been going to work like usual, sometimes a little later than I should be. I've missed a class or two, but nothing that should do any real harm. To most people, the irritations have appeared minor.

In reality, I have been coping by shutting down. I have abanoned people that have needed my support. The blog has gone without much posting. E-mails go unanswered for days or weeks, if they ever get answered at all. My phone runs out of battery before I am willing to even look at it, and the voicemails just keep piling up without ever being heard.

Naturally, I have found myself at a breaking point or two as a result of this unhealthy habit of mine ... That evening in my office where I just had to close the door to make the world go away, or the evening I sat crying by the sink on the floor of a public restroom, or the nights I lay in bed with the tears welling up in my eyes as I pray that the morning will never come, just so that I don't have to put on the mask and face the world again before I'm ready to.

I always knew that shutting down was how I coped, but I couldn't see until now how far away from reality that place really can be. There is a part of me that can see the danger and the red flags in all of this, but that part of me doesn't usually win out. And unfortunately, through all of the abandonment and lack of trust in my short life, I just haven't quite learned anything better.

So I continue on, behind my mask of strength, coping with the negative as best I can despite the flawed methods ... hoping that the sun will soon burn through the clouds and shed the rays of warm sun on my face again.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:20 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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