I have always known that nothing is as we see it to be... our reality our own, made my the way we choose to see the world. But on some level I believe there are competing realities, some more real than others. Part of what brings people together is sharing a concept of reality...

...I no longer have this comfort...

My reality states that I am a strong and kind hearted individual. The reality of the two people closest to me believes differently.

To one, I am a weak individual - far weaker than she - because I am motivated to grow and change by others in my life. She honestly believes it with her whole hearted self. To her, unwillingness/inability to be entirely self-sufficient is weak. I know what I have been through in my life. I know I have not broken. I know I am strong. My struggle and disappointment has not altered what I believe to be right and wrong. I have not compromised the values I hold dear at my deepest core. I have had the strength to carry on and never be taken off track.

I do not care that she feels her character is stronger than mine. I know myself more intimately than she could fathom she does. I am hurt that she would think such a thing for so long and attack the ways I have helped people (to include her) because they aren't always in my best interest. I am disappointed that my reality is so very different from the reality of someone I held close to me.

To another, I am not a good person any longer. He took the statement back (this time) but it has been said many times over...his reality believes it is true. I will not sit by and let people I care about continue down a path of self destruction or negative behavior when I know that they are capable of more. Apparently this concern is wrong and the expectation of more just too much. I know that I am a good person. I see that his reality is different and I can't fault him for that. He cannot see into my heart where there is no ill will toward anyone - not even those who have done me wrong. All I ever want is fairness. To seek revenge would be to let the offending party have too much of my energy. Call it karma, call it life, call it whatever...those who do wrong will face what they are meant to...it is not my place to make them face it. I can look myself in the mirror and my reality says I am a good person, regardless of what anyone else's says. I just wish I hadn't believed that he saw it my way because the disappointment over being wrong just cuts like a knife...

Can't you stop the lies falling from the skies?
Down on me, I'm still standing.
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised,
conscience clear, I'm still standing here.
--Still Standing, The Rasmus

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think the world needs a drink / I think enoughs enough / She's been spinnin around so long / I'd say She's pretty wound up / Let's all calm down sit back relax / Tear up the contracts and save the ink / Yeah I think the world needs a drink

--I Think the World Needs A Drink, Terri Clark

I second the motion, with a big HELL YEAH! So do I...

Pardon me while I try to sleep off my moment of panic.

UPDATE:
Moment of panic complete. Please return to your normally scheduled lives.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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As much as I wanted to keep my personal life off of this blog, I have no where else left to turn. I've been backed into a corner and just can't find peace.

I'm so tired of the advice...
I don't think I can take one more person piping up with what they think my best course of action would be. There are no perfect answers and calling the shots from the sidelines certainly isn't going to yield one. So please, no more comments about what I should do or when...

I am a good person...
I was nothing but nice...
I never said choose...
I offered my heart...

In exchange...

I've been unappreciated...
I've been accused...
I've been ignored...
I've been blamed...
I've been doubted...
I've been snubbed...

I have been betrayed.

I have become a cold, hard, bitch...
And I don't know how to back down...

I did nothing wrong...
I was a kind hearted girl...

So naive...

My deeds did not go unpunished...
The demons returned to torment...
And peace has slipped farther away...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I hate who I've become...
Trying so hard to find happiness in the little things, just so I'm not so bitter for a few moments out of my day...
My eyes used to sparkle...
I feel abandoned and let down, by my own decisions...
There is so much pain in the world, larger than mine, but I see only my own...
Thinking of myself feels so selfish, the guilt weighs on me...
My content here sux and I'm not inspired to write...
The semester is ending, so many unknowns, my course uncharted...
People are falling around me, and I am powerless to help...
I don't see the glass half empty anymore...
It has fallen and smashed on the ground...

Here I am, once again / I'm torn into pieces / Can't deny it, can't pretend / ... / Broken up, deep inside / But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:03 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Someday theyÂ’ll find your small town world on a big town avenue / Gonna make you like the way they talk when theyÂ’re talking to you / Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to / Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth / TheyÂ’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say / TheyÂ’re gonna break your heart, yeah

From what IÂ’ve seen / YouÂ’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no oneÂ’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

Somebody ought to take you in / Try to make you love again / Try to make you like the way they feel / When theyÂ’re under your skin / Never once did you think theyÂ’d lie when theyÂ’re holding you / You wonder why they havenÂ’t called / When they said theyÂ’d call you / You start to wonder if youÂ’re ever gonna make it by / YouÂ’ll start to think you were born blind

From what IÂ’ve seen / YouÂ’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no oneÂ’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

--Matchbox Twenty

The rest of the song just didn't quite feel applicable in my current state of confusion. Yes, I've had a little wine...sue me...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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