Some people hold a special place in your life long after you think they will. And some people take that place for granted. Others are willing to piss it away for something that is so much less.

So I guess the best thing to do is just set those people free.

You know who you are.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:35 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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So, its no secret around here that I have horrific relations with my immediate family. With the holidays coming quickly, the anxiety of perhaps having to see them is building by the day.

Even as a fully grown adult, I feel like I am reliving my teenage years every time I am around them. I can't quite figure out if it is because we are stuck in the same dynamic where I want something completely different than they do or if it is because the issues of those years are still so unresolved. Probably a little bit of both. Probably not all that unique either ... raise your hand if your family isn't dysfunctional ...

So what do you do about it? And how do to stop it from continuing to fuck up your life?

I have had an itch to write each one of them a letter explaining my side of the relationship and why I have chosen to withdraw so far. But I keep asking what good could possibly come of it? On the other hand, isn't is okay if nothing good comes of it? We are in a pretty bad place as it is, maybe the words in black and white without a personal confrontation will give them an opportunity to see something that they haven't before? You can't expect people to understand you if you don't give them the opportunity to, right?

It would be delusional to think that anything I wrote to my dad would lead to a divorce from his wife (even though he never should have married her) or to my mom would change her emotional manipulation or to my brother would yield anything other than defensiveness and accusations, so maybe writing letter would be for my own peace than any real hope that things could change.

Part of me feels guilty for even wanting to make things better. The thread of a relationship I have with each of my parents is purely selfish. Partly financial, partly so that there will always be someone that answers the phone. It is superficial and I can't remember the last time I felt genuine deep-seated emotion for either of them that wasn't negative.

Part of me wants to completely close the door and move on, but I am afraid I will lose pieces of my family that I actually do like. I can't stand the idea of admitting defeat and letting them talk about me like they do my aunt ... the one that walked away and started her own family and didn't really look back.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands to dwell on what will never be since the family I chose will be gone for so many more days still...

...I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me....

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:11 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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I really wish I had taken everyone's advice ... having a wedding is one of the dumbest things I have ever decided to do. I think it has caused more drama, strife, stress, and separation in our lives than any other single event. And it really shows you who your friends are (no, AWTM, I don't mean you).

We debated between two different dates and ultimately chose the one we did in order to accommodate a friend living overseas. He wouldn't be back in time if we chose the other date. That guy told us last month he won't be coming because he promised his girlfriend he'd be somewhere. LAME!

One friend's husband isn't coming because they are tired of traveling and they are working on their house. Not a matter of being able to afford it, they just don't want to. LAME!

My mom has taken a steaming shit on every aspect of my wedding and then calls crying about how we aren't close.

His mom isn't coming because she's a stupid, stubborn woman. I'm not even dealing with her.

How is it that people can give you the whole song and dance about how happy they are for you and how great getting married is and then just punk out?

I'm just glad to finally know who those friends really are and where we really stand. PEACE

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:07 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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1 acckkk...thanks for the disclaimer. And even though you put it up there, becuase you know what a freaking paranoid freak I am...I am sorry I cannot come... I heart you, and am sad I will not be able to spend the day, basking in what has become one of my favorite cities, watching my dear friend begin a new chapter...

Posted by: AWTM at March 02, 2009 10:54 PM (zGVWd)

2 I'm sorry to hear the months leading up to your dream day are nothing short of nightmarish. My best friend eloped. I was slightly bummed because I wanted to be her maid of honor. But you know what? I helped her to get ready for the trip, helped pick out the dress, chose the gifts that I wanted to give her instead of being beholden to a registry, and helped her pack. While a small part of me wishes I was there to witness the grand event, as her friend I am glad she had a perfect day ... FAR away from all the drama she would have encountered otherwise. To that point, the people who matter, don't care what it takes to make you happy just as long as you're happy. The rest, well, can just suck it.

Posted by: Dawn at March 03, 2009 09:43 AM (jFpDX)

3 The guy you changed the date for isn't showing up?!?!?!?! Now that is bullshit. Seriously. And if someone can afford to come and just won't because they don't want to travel, that's BS too. I would come if I were not on slope, so no one else has ANY excuse since I'd be flying from the freaking Arctic Circle! And yes, the stress is so crazy and stupid. Elopement in Hawaii is the way to go. Seriously. I can't tell you how bad I feel that I won't be there ESPECIALLY since you were at mine. But a little guilt is good because at least you can get more wed gift out of me...if you ever decide in what form you want it.

Posted by: Dorothy at March 03, 2009 11:32 PM (CHE53)

4 Okay, now I'm depressed. Had no clue you were getting hitched and now I'm jealous.

Posted by: dick at March 14, 2009 05:51 PM (IcPMN)

5 People should read this.

Posted by: Abbra at April 22, 2009 10:18 AM (IuUn7)

6 货架、 货架

Posted by: 货架 at May 12, 2009 09:10 AM (49N5c)

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I swear to God ... no one should get married ... ever ...

rather, no one should ever have a wedding ...

My biggest fear for the big day??? wait for it ...

... my mom ...

and her boobs

Yes, I am terrified of my mom and her boobs ...

Since she had them reduced and lifted, she seems to think there isn't all that much there to show off (trust me, THERE IS!) Combine that with her previous "I feel good about myself" clothing purchases ... its enough to keep me up at night.

She at least did me the courtesy of asking what I wanted her to wear, but she has balked at my response and threatened to wear whatever she feels like. (She didn't really think it was cool when I said that I reserved the right to keep her out of the photos then...but hey, she's not paying for them and it isn't her wedding...)

Seriously, if you didn't like your mom before you decided to have a wedding, you're REALLY not going to like her afterward.

We should have eloped ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:24 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If there's one thing I wish I could snap my fingers and have over with, it would be wedding planning. I know that sounds terrible, but I'm beginning to wonder if the price I'm paying for a true wedding is worth it. Family drama ... family drama ... family drama. And the holiday season just complicates things - it makes shopping with friends so much harder.

It is exciting to plan, but it is tedious. I can only look at so much ugly in one sitting. Seriously ... who buys this shit? From dresses to invitations, there is a lot of ugly. And expensive ugly too! But I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs, right?

I did order a dress on Friday. I hadn't slept well in two weeks trying to figure out what I wanted. My stress headache was so bad by Friday afternoon all I wanted to do was eat some chocolate, have a good cry, and go to sleep. After buying the dress and having a little lavender aromatherapy, all was well again.

Being put in the middle between my parents' difference of opinion on money for the first time in several years is something I could really do without. My mom told me tonight that she thought I was irresponsible for letting my dad decide the budget for my wedding (obviously it is much higher than she thinks is appropriate). Apparently discussing line items with the financier as they arise instead of setting a strict number is irresponsible. Is it my fault that my dad said that is how he wants to handle it? And since when do I just spend money without regard for the value of the purchase or the appropriateness of the price tag?

Eloping is really sounding like a good idea...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 10:58 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Well, congratulations and best wishes on the engagement and the subsequent ritual you choose to make it legal! FWIW, maybe eloping isn't such a bad idea? Because if you decide not to invite certain problematic family members to the nuptials, well, your side of the church is going to be kinda empty, isn't it? I'm rooting for your happiness, whatever it takes to achieve it!

Posted by: Dawn at December 14, 2008 10:08 PM (hGezF)

2 I can tell you without a moments hesitation that planning and attending my own wedding was the absolute worst time I've ever had in my whole life. My wife had to have the big wedding. That was almost 40 years ago. Every time I think of it to this day, I start getting angry, anxious and my blood pressure goes up. I wish you all the best. I hope your marriage is as long and happy as mine has been. I am here to tell you that weddings suck and they always will especially if there are any family members involved. Good luck sweetie. Joe

Posted by: Assrot at December 15, 2008 02:25 PM (ARCEn)

3 on the bright side... we are all very happy for you, ma'am. And having met the guy... it should be pretty good all around. Keep in mind through it all... you've both done well.

Posted by: rsm at December 16, 2008 10:37 PM (CnnNA)

4 No, it's not worth it! Run off and get married and come back and have a big party and wear a pretty dress. Save yourself, time, money, and your boyfriend's nerves.

Posted by: Swink at December 16, 2008 11:35 PM (UogjM)

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Really, I know I should be letting my brother's immature, constant need to prove he's a grown up get to me ... but he just keeps including me. Can't this kid just leave me alone already?

My mom says all he wants is his big sister's approval but let me tell you something, he ain't gonna get it by being retarded.

And when I'm only allowed to say the things you've previously scripted, I'm not really going to respond with an overwhelming need to have a relationship with you. Seriously... me? Controlled by someone else? Have you met me lately? I do still have a pulse ... so, that's not really going to work for me.

Why am I agitated by him you ask? The text message moments after his girlfriend said yes and the newspaper clipping of an email he sent detailing to the family three days later that she said yes. (no "don't let him get to you" notes, unless you really must, because I know ... there is a delete key for a reason ... and I have used it ... but the fakery just made me that iil)

Well no duh she said yes ... she's the cougar that's been pressuring you to ask so that she can start popping out kids like the rest of her family. (Bye bye PhD! Hope you didn't really want to finish that, lil bro) The text message I deleted with very minimal heartburn. I was annoyed but DELETE and DONE. The email today ... wanted to punch him - in.the.face.

Who writes to their family like this?

I am proud to announce my recent engagement to (FIRST NAME) (LAST NAME), formerly my girlfriend of three years who presently lives with me in (LOCATION).

< blah blah details >

They're not posted yet, but there will be too many pictures to sit through available online at some point. My face has never ached so much and my eyes never felt so burnt as they did with the paparazzi-esque picture frenzy that followed our arrival! There must be about 2000 pictures from the weekend . . . I'll make sure the links to the picture pages are distributed when they're up for anyone who is interested.

I'm looking forward to celebrating with all of you! We don't have a particular time in mind yet for the big day, but that will come in due time. I'm relieved to have made it through an emotionally overwhelming moment and ecstatic to say that I'm engaged to a beautiful woman who is my best friend and more.

With pride, joy and love,

(Name)

Maybe I'm overreacting but if you knew my brother you'd see that this email is a ridiculous attempt to "be grown up". I mean come on ... her last name? Its not an announcement for the paper where the people reading aren't going to know immediately who she is. Its your family who you have talked to about her and half of which you've forced us to spend holidays with.

Next time, be less of a tool and I'll feel less punch-you-in-the-face-ey. ok?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 06:00 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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Have you ever been riding down the road and find yourself conflicted about how much you should care that someone else is about to smack the center divider?

Um, probably not. Let me explain...

My brother just told me he is going to propose to his girlfriend when they go away next weekend (they celebrate the anniversary of the first trip they took together, even though they weren't dating then).

I should be happy for him, right? Right, I should ... but I'm not. I think he's making a mistake. A big one. It isn't really even about his girlfriend anymore. He's just too young, naive, and immature. Although, to be frank, I think the pressure is from her. The P word (pregnant) has been whispered a few times in the last year so I think they have had some scares and she is anxious to have it be more than a scare. Which really is the scariest part ... my brother, a dad ... those poor children. I feel bad for his dogs ... I can only imagine how someone as screwed up as he is will screw up a kid.

Do I at least get points for feeling bad that I'm not happy for him?

Probably not enough to outweigh the bitchy, selfish things I started thinking ... am I going to have to use my precious vacation time for this? will there still be enough money for when/if I get married?*

But back my driving analogy (I don't want to hear about how ironic that is)...

I feel like my brother is that car that is headed straight for the center divider. He has focused so hard, for long, on being my dad's shadow that I think he is blindly following my dad's driving without realizing he's headed for the accident of his life. I know I should put on the happy face and just be another car on the road ... I'm not in the car with him, I'm not going to hit that wall with him ... but he's my brother ... shouldn't I care? Isn't there some kind of familial moral obligation to keep people from doing stupid things? But maybe he'd have to care what I think before that becomes effective ...

Honestly though, as awful as this is going to read in writing, I don't really care what my brother does with his life. I don't miss him and dread seeing him at family events. I gave up on a relationship with him until he grows up because he is so much the proverbial gnat at my picnic. He never wants to hear what I actually think (I know because he's pissed when it isn't what he has scripted me to say), but will ask me what I think about things like this.

To keep peace with the rest of the family, I think a silent smiley face will be in order. Any great advice on how to put/keep that smiley face on?**

*my brother WILL be asking my dad to pay for some of the wedding and my brother knows no such thing as the word no or a budget)

** beyond just not giving a shit, I can probably manage that one on my own

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:35 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 All I can say is just grin and bear it. If you really don't give a shit and you dislike your brother and his bride to be that much then fuck'em. Don't go to the wedding. I am the oldest out of 9 children. I love all my siblings very much. I tried for many years to help them out and gently steer them in the right direction when I saw them headed for the wall at 100 mph. It has never helped in on single instance. So I told them all point blank, to live their life the way they wanted to. I also told them that when I saw a major SNAFU in the making that I would tell them exactly how I felt about it. They could take what I say to heart or tell me to go fuck myself. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'll always love them but I can't live their life for them and I am no longer going to be there for them when the shit hits the fan like I told them it would. Just do what makes you happy but be sure of what that is. When you look in the mirror do you like who you see? That is all that really matters. If I was in your shoes and my brother was going to marry a nitwit and he was also a nitwit, I would not have anything to do with it and I would tell him exactly why. I would not go to the wedding either. Attending such a farce implies your approval of it to all that know you. One of my brothers and one of my sisters made the same mistake years ago. Neither was mature enough for marriage and both were marrying shitheads that would screw them over big time. I told them both so and did not attend either wedding. My premonitions came true as I knew they would. My brother finally grew up and came around and made a decent life for himself once he got out of that mess. My sisters is almost 50 and is still a childish brat that won't talk to me. She thinks I should have been there to help her out of the mess she made. I warned her ahead of time. She could have avoided the wall but chose not to heed anything I said and she paid dearly for it. I'll always love her but I have accepted that she will never grow up and she will probably never forgive me for what she perceives as my fault. Until she grows up, if that ever happens, she can kiss my ass. I hope my rambling helped. If not, at least I entertained you for a few minutes. Have a good weekend. ;-) Joe

Posted by: Assrot at August 01, 2008 04:44 PM (ARCEn)

2 I ran into an old friend who had married a wretch of a woman right around when we stopped talking. We all warned him about it. She was abusive and entitled and just a trainwreck of a human being. 10 years later, he says he knew it was wrong, he knew we were right, and why he put himself through that b.s. (now that he's married to an awesome gal) is beyond him. And he's a really smart dude, too. That said, i just saw wedding photos from another wedding in which the bridesmaid didn't fess up to her hatred of the groom till the DAY OF THE WEDDING. She snarled in every g.d. photo. It's horrible. Everyone looks like they were crying before the wedding and her sour puss will live on forever. But it's the sourpuss who didn't say her peace BEFORE the blessed event whom everyone's going to remember. Even if the groom is a dick. I say schedule your own vacation so it conflicts with it, and air your grievances sooner rather than later. And then go on and live a happy life and know that at least one of you makes good choices and intends to not fuck up one's life at the first available opportunity.

Posted by: dawn at August 01, 2008 05:14 PM (jFpDX)

3 Darling, I too am learning the serenity prayer as a new mantra... I am learning, and it has taken 38 years. And will take 100 more. You had a heart attack, and you want pizza? You filed bankruptcy, and are gonna buy what? the list goes on and on... maybe we can figure out how to sit back and watch train wrecks happen?

Posted by: awtm at August 07, 2008 10:26 AM (Bo2JR)

4 Watched a cousin do the same thing, only he was trying to be like his older brother. No matter what was said, or how it was said, there was no turning him from his path. I tried. Perhaps not in the best way, but I tried. And it didn't serve to do anything but make him more determined to marry the little whore anyway. I was right. And while he's kinda forgiven me, I don't hear much from him anymore. That's about all I got to say about that...

Posted by: That 1 Guy at August 08, 2008 07:11 PM (Pnewa)

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Official word has finally arrived:

"For the forgoing reasons we affirm the conviction against Mr. X for first-degree involuntary manslaughter the first degree and leaving the scene of an accident."

While the language in the ruling doesn't make a whole lot of sense ... it doesn't change that the shmuck is in jail for a minimum of almost 12 more years.

I expect to go through at least one more round of appeals but we're doing ok so far... a new trial would just give the prosecution to fix the errors of the last one and do it better the second time.

'scuse me while I go celebrate...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 06:51 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Ok, so answer me this ... how do you sleep at night when you know someone is taking active measures to kill themselves? Not the I'm gonna swallow this bottle of pills if you don't pay attention to me or I've got a razor kind of active measures, but the kind that slowly, but actively work to end your life in a purposeful fashion.

For example - elderly, depressed, and on a hunger strike. Today is day 11.

Literally no food. Just water and sugar free candy by the handfuls. Oh, and hourly diarrhea for good measure.

Somehow I want to respect a person's decision not to fight but I can't really accept that is what is going on here.

He's lost his wife and his asshole son is living with him now. Frankly, I could understand him wanting to die. But if you were in a reasonable state of mind and really wanted to die, why would you continue to take your medicines?

I can accept not sticking a bunch of tubes in him or landing him back in the hospital again but to not do anything? Family members in the house, day after day, saying there is nothing they can do. It just makes me sick inside. And of course, people are angry with me for wanting to help him. But what else is new?

In my world - this man is very depressed, living in the house where his wife died, not thinking clearly. That does not make standing by while he gives up something I can really accept.

How about you?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:32 AM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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When you owe someone a MAJOR apology and write a letter that says:

It was a terribly cold Easter. When we were kids we froze but wore our Easter clothes anyway.

Thank you for your help & you are always welcome here. I don't know what I'd do without [grandson] or our church friends.

Happy Easter

You most certainly did NOT apologize.

Seriously...?

Bitch.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 08:41 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The medical drama seems as if it may be wrapping up ... thank GOD!

Surgery went extremely well yesterday (although, the COAW wasn't there in time to talk to the surgeon after surgery like we were). They removed a 10-15 pound tumor that could have plausibly been there for about 8 years based on symptoms. TEN to FIFTEEN POUNDS!!! If that doesn't say incompetence from the primary physicians, I don't know what does.

I am feeling like perhaps the universe is managing to see the right thing through, despite the best efforts of some people to muck it up with their own baggage. I don't have a whole lot of faith that such things are likely to happen, but I am happy this weekend to see that, just maybe, my lost faith was a mistake.

A week ago this man's wife and son decided that there was nothing to be done for him. Without a biopsy or a second opinion they put their foot down that surgery would just speed his death so it wouldn't happen. They began planning for hospice without a single sign that this man's death was anywhere near.

Today he's facing a whole new life (and smaller pants!) without any of their unfounded fears ever threatening to come to light.

Yet, they are still the small, petty people they will always be. Because I was the person that never gave up hope, because I am the person that cried when they gave up, because I am the person that pushed for more information, because I stood up for myself when they treated me badly, because I insist on being the person that keeps everyone going toward something better ... they will not acknowledge my presence in a room or accept any specialist I can lead them to. They deserve the misery they live in.

I am relieved that mercy found this man, that what could have been devastating was not, and that I was able to reinforce within me the strength it takes to stand in the face of what others would not.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:11 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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So here's the update on me for the past week:

The aforementioned stupid, self-absorbed cunt of a whore ... ? Even more so. I can't honestly think of a concise statement to describe how unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and incompetent this woman is. Lets try by example to enlighten everyone:

-- Her husband was transfered to a new hospital and she visited him the next day, but hasn't seen him for the last five.

-- Her husband began refusing treatment and said he wanted to talk to her. When we told her this, she refused to call him. (Note: She has not called him at all since he went into the hospital 3 weeks ago)

-- She refuses to call any of the doctors or nurses to check on her husband - "it is their job to call me" as she sees it. (Note: The doctors do not want to drop everything to call her and have said she needs to call them)

-- When doctors do try to get her on the phone her line is busy or no one answers. When they call the secondary numbers, she screams at the person they called for "interfering"

-- The doctors have said they need to do a face-to-face to discuss consent issues and the next steps in treatment - she hasn't indicated a willingness to be present.

Oh, and have I mentioned, she's the power of attorney? The hospital asked the grandson to become an additional power of attorney but when we discovered she has to approve it, we knew it would never happen.

In my life, I got sick. Just when I thought I was feeling better, my body started producing disgusting stuff that just can't be a good sign.

Fuck me running ... how long am I supposed to be the rock with the positive thoughts? Cuz I'm really running out of steam here.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:33 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 What a bitch. Can you kick her????? Hope you feel well soon.

Posted by: Pixie at March 16, 2007 05:06 PM (P+yvf)

2 Sweetie, some people just need to be taken out back and shot in the head. There is no other way to deal with people like her. Either walk away or take care of business. I'd prefer you walk away so you don't waste the rest of your life. Peace...... :-)

Posted by: Assrot at March 16, 2007 07:38 PM (ARCEn)

3 Like you need to say anymore goodbyes in your life, but the only choice you're left with is to make peace with it. Not with her, but to mentally say your goodbyes and to hope that if he's meant to recover, he will, and if he's not, that he knows how well-loved he is so he can move on without any more pain. It's just tragic that her neglect is probably more painful than any physical ailment. *kick* To give her the benefit of the doubt, which she doesn't deserve, but she's got to be realizing that she's losing her life partner here. And that's enough to make anyone crawl into a hole and hide. But if for one second she gives up on him, she has no right to ever blame anyone else for giving up on him before he has to give up the fight. I'm sick over it, too. ...

Posted by: dawn at March 16, 2007 08:13 PM (jm3xl)

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I haven't fallen off the planet ... I've been busy and blogging just wasn't where my heart was. Sorry folks.

I had my heat problem resurface, my water go out (water main break), my neighbors pissed off at me, in addition to rejoining the retail workforce.

Retail is retail ... not much to say about that. The personalities that existed in my last store have been resurrected in the new bodies that fill this one. Some customers are pleasant, others are the kind that strike up personal conversations or take phone calls while you are giving them the help they asked for. Twice I have just walked away. I don't get paid enough to operate on your personal schedule people.

My neighbors have been appeased ... but I am quickly learning why they are so isolated from the rest of our community. They are the stereotypical PITA fucks that think their lives come first.

The water main break was repaired relatively quickly and only caused a minor problem but sure as hell freaked me out at 11pm the same night my heat had been out all day. The last thing I needed was frozen pipes.

The heat problem has been the most frustrating of all ... I called a furnace guy who came to look at it three times last week. He left Friday still not knowing what was wrong with it, leaving me to reset the furnace twice that night to get it running again. I fully intended to call this morning but it hasn't gone out again since Friday. He swears it isn't the thermostat ... I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Oh, and the bathroom ... no primer + flat paint + low tile = water on my wall and a paint scraping project I SO did not have the mood to deal with. I've been showering in my guest room and putting off dealing with the paint but with a potential roommate next week and my mom in town on Friday I am trying to bust myself to get it done ... in both bathrooms ... while working a 40 hr week & closing every night.

Who ever said all they wanted to do was be a grown up had no idea what they were talking about.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:20 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Going to court Thursday and speaking about how much it has hurt to lose my grandmother was probably the single hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.

I walked to the stand with an 8 x 10 of my family, the notes I had prepared, my memento of grandma, and a handful of tissues. I had already been crying in court so I don't think I got one dry word out. My voice wavered, my face flushed with emotion, and my whole body trembled uncontrollably. Honestly, I have no idea if the judge could understand a word I said.

I stood up there and explained how I was not prepared for a middle of the night phone call that meant my grandmother had instantly disappeared from my life and that we had no more time for all of the things I had been putting off.

I told the judge how an important professional support and "colleague" was now missing with such a savvy world traveler and explorer taken from me.

I showed him the photo and sobbed to him how I had lost not just one of the four relatives pictured, but three ... that my brother won't speak to me or my mother and that my dad and I only speak to fight, despite no one bickering over her estate, and my grandma forever gone.

I asked the judge not to punish but to protect and do whatever it was in his power to do to keep anyone else from feeling the pain that I do now.

I returned to my seat and did my best to calm myself as we sat through the other side telling their story. My father sat in the back of the court room with his wife while my aunt and I sat in the front with the MADD representative. My mother wasn't there because she feared being broken by the pain. My brother I can't account for, but I have my suspicions.

The defendant apologized for this "accident" and told us that he had found Jesus while in jail these last 11 months. He recognized my grandmother as a loving, beautiful person, "accepted her gift" as a turning point in his life, and hoped for our forgiveness. His lawyer asked for treatment and pointed to his client's recent sobriety, his first in 25 yrs.

I don't know if the judge had his mind made up before he walked into the courtroom that day or not, but he handed down two maximum sentences - 15 yrs on one count and 4 yrs on the other, to be served consecutively.

It was a very bittersweet, painful, and hollow "victory". Grammy will never come back to make our family behave again. Many years beyond this last with my father are gone now that our trust is so far broken. And I walked away with more love from the MADD woman than anyone else.

I am glad to be away from my family but my heart is breaking to know we are each becoming individuals, alone in the world. It won't be long before what was once a family is a total shattered mess. I may have been the first to be broken off, but my father is hardly surrounded by love and my brother believes "love" is someone that tells you what to wear and how to spend your money.

I am building a cocoon. I am protecting myself. I am re-building me. Alone.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:23 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Yep. Things with dad are going just swimmingly ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:50 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 It's tough work being the parent in a conflict. He may want to try it sometime, though. Hang in there and hold your ground, but forgive him when he comes to his senses.

Posted by: dawn at January 16, 2007 08:50 AM (jm3xl)

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My mom called last night.

Just shoot me now

She was her usual meddling self ... telling me how to handle work, that I wasn't being paid enough, have I considered what the opportunities for advancement are ... like she's got her own life under control.

Meanwhile, she's still at work at 8pm, in a job she hates, frustrated almost to the point of tears, not considering another job ... because she doesn't want to "quit for nothing"

Yeah, I'm just rushing to take your advice, Lady

So then the issue of the holidays rolls around. I have become the evil ogre of the family for saying I don't want to go back to Cali this year.

My brother is not worth traveling for - I get maybe an hour's worth of time from him when I'm in town. We can't make it through a meal without a text or phone call from his girlfriend or his friends wanting to go hang out. Thanks, but I don't need to fly all the way across the country so you can 'grace me' with your presence.

My dad, not worth going to Cali for, sad to say. His wife has been nixed from my life entirely and thus, why go out there for a holiday I can't share with him? I'll see him here, I'll see him in Kansas. That's all the room he makes for me in his life, so that's all he gets.

My mom is the only other reason to go ... she is offended that I don't want to go just for her. She is playing the pity card and making me out as the selfish one. Oh, and don't forget the this-is-all-your-father's-fault-for-divorcing-me-and-now-I'm-all-alone guilt card she is playing.

It was seven years ago ... MOVE ON!

Well here's the whole story (or why I don't feel like an ogre)

Her side of the family is having a Christmas celebration that I plan to go to. She doesn't know if she is going to go. I planned to see her there, the week before Christmas. Going to the trouble of flying half way across the country just doesn't seem worth it to her so maybe she'll go, maybe she won't.

And she never considered coming out here.

So as long as I have to fly and I have to make the effort, everyone is happy. The minute my feelings come into play, its bad guy city.

I say, peg me for an outlaw cuz relationships are a two way street.

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I know I should have found my camera by now, and I should be blogging about how fantastic it is to have my own house ... and TO myself (at least for the time being) ... but ...

Life's been busy putting my family in knots again

In the span of four days, what has been settled in Kansas for months has been undone, turned upside down, redone, and left unspun.

The guy that killed my grandmother decided to change his mind - he wanted to plead guilty at the last minute (a week before the trial was set to begin. (Note: he requested this trial date ... far earlier than anyone expected him to).

My family rushed to understand what it meant and everyone changed their travel plans accordingly.

Defense counsel apparently had other things in mind. He called up and argued with the prosecutor over the classification of the crime (which had been settled by a judge previously). When the defense counsel ended up with the answer he didn't want - they took back the plea.

We'll all go back and change our travel plans again and sit on the pins and needles this case is putting us through. We are back to facing a trial ... eventually ... we just don't know when

Tonight, my stomach is killing me.

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I think here would be nice ...

Miss you, LJ!

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A friend told me today, “every family is like a soap opera,” which is probably true. He’s a smart guy so I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s talking about. It made me feel better to a point, but I’m still reeling from this whole Dad situation.

I am confrontational. I say things that people donÂ’t want to hear. I get that.

I am emotionally impatient. I try to avoid sweeping things under the rug because they always come back, usually with a vengeance.

I want to deal with things when they happen. I want to nip it in the bud. I want it done and over with. Not swept away and “forgotten” only to be dredged up and piled upon.

I want to talk about miscommunications, misunderstandings, mistakes, and missteps. If I donÂ’t see the other side and they donÂ’t see mine, the problem will become chronic, I promise you.

I believe in accountability and responsibility. I will call people out on it, whether they like it or not. Generally they donÂ’t. ThatÂ’s fine.

I am overly honest. I am straight to the point. I am hard to take. I know this.

But to call me hateful, and to say I am mean-spirited is just plain imaginary. They are daggers of untruth for the sole purpose of inflicting pain (mission accomplished) and the words of a man with nowhere to go, with stones enough only to run away.

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Tonight is one of those nights that I am SO glad I have kept my blog away from family eyes. It a night filled with rediculous, unnecessary drama and thus blaring music aimed at drowning out the overabundance of anger I have toward my family right now.

I am convinced that maturity is entirely lost on my family members ... entirely

I wrote an e-mail to my brother asking for his address and got this in response:

Why does this matter to the Feds - are we even still related? ArenÂ’t you legally emancipated from this family yet? I havenÂ’t heard from you since your graduation - it would be nice to know what GF and I got you for your birthday . . .

IÂ’m still here when you figure out that IÂ’m not the enemy.

And I'm pretty sure the phone and email work both ways. I don't recall leaving a communication unanswered. So, he's pointing a finger without having made an effort ... nice ...

Also of note - The last time I saw my brother was when he was flipping me off on the way out of town, following one of his temper tantrums that had carried over from 24 hours prior.

I think this left-field douche move would be one of many reasons we are not closer. But where do these moves come from? Dad, for one. more...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:29 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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