It has been re-confirmed ... there are some serious general douche bags circling around this poor country of ours.

How on earth have the twenty-somethings (and younger) gotten this far in life with such terrible social graces? Someone please tell me that they are going to hit the wall of reality sometime soon and fall flat on their asses. It is a most assuredly a pipe dream, I know Â… but can someone please just lie to me on this one?

Oh and while IÂ’m asking questions, when did it become acceptable to treat your friends like disposable picnic wear because you didnÂ’t get your way? Did I miss a memo somewhere? Apparently, I must have Â…

Today, a friend of mine invited his friend to hang out. Once his friend found out that I was going to be there as well he said, “Oh. Well then my roommate and I don’t want to come.” W.T.F. Over.

Just what exactly did I do to the Douche Twins to elicit such a response? Nothing.

I have known Douche Dude 1 for nearly as long as I have known my other friend. He and I have hung out in a variety of situations. HeÂ’s borrowed my car. HeÂ’s crashed on my couch while waiting for a house. We were never going to be best buddies, but I sure as hell thought we were at least cool with one another.

And his roommate? I thought that he and I got along decent enough. When the hell did things get so tense that he didnÂ’t even want to go to the same damn movie? I tell you, I have no effing clue.

But as far as IÂ’m concerned, it was rude and they are a giant set of Douche Twins. Do they not get that they told their own friend he had to decide who he wanted to hang out with more? Do they not get that they pulled some seriously immature moves?

I’ve heard more than one story tonight about stupid, immature “friendships” than I think I can take. And obviously this is some shit which has just irked me to the core. But I tell you, I just don’t get how people treat each other these days.

Maybe it will make more sense once I get my hands on that memo.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:04 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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My parents aren't even in town yet and already they are arguing ...

I'm not sure the Marriott can handle them both in the same building for the four nights they will both be staying.

Maybe I can check them into rooms on opposite corners of the hotel and on floors as far away from one another as possible?

Let's hope so ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:41 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Since itÂ’s a weekend and no one will be blogging or reading blogs, I'd like to take a moment to have a little self-awareness/pity party for myself. My apologies if you came here looking for something of more substance - that's just not me right now.

Whilst smoking some of the greatest cigarettes of my life ( ... it had been SOOOO long ... ) I realized that I am insane. Plain and simple. I am insane.

I live my life watching it unfold like a movie I have seen three times over. Most of the time, I can see what will happen before it ever does. I do my best to observe and wait to see if it will really play out the way the movie says it will ... perhaps because I fear altering the destined course of the world or maybe I just don't want to be deemed as controlling as my mother was.

But here's the insane part ... I am always crushed when my predictions come true and the movie plays according to its script without missing a beat. I almost always know it is coming before hand, I expect the hurt and disappointment long before it is delivered, but I am insane enough to hope this time will be different.

Some days I just wish I could be wrong.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:44 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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1 Ugh I htae that feeling like your life is a movie...sometimes ill hear a song when I am driving and have that feeling like "is this really my life!?!" go out have some fun and destress tomorrow is a new day katie

Posted by: Katie at March 04, 2006 11:12 AM (yFWne)

2 damn, me too. exactly, but oh yeah, we're fiber optically related, right? they say doing the same thing and anticipating a different result is the definition of insanity, so yes, dear, if your premise is accurate, you are truly insane. congrats, you're in fine company.

Posted by: shoe at March 06, 2006 01:16 PM (0E4d+)

3 Honey, you're not insane. You may think you are unloved and alone, but you ain't. I like you and there's a whole host of other fellows who like you and your blog. Keep up the good work. Subsunk

Posted by: Subsunk at March 10, 2006 02:49 PM (UKrn8)

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Despite all the supportive comments and e-mails, I can't say I've been coping real well over the last couple of weeks. In fact, I generally feel like I'm falling apart. Though, I'm sure that was pretty obvious by now.

I put on a good show in front of the people that will remember if I don't, but most days I can't even bring myself to answer the phone. I've been going to work like usual, sometimes a little later than I should be. I've missed a class or two, but nothing that should do any real harm. To most people, the irritations have appeared minor.

In reality, I have been coping by shutting down. I have abanoned people that have needed my support. The blog has gone without much posting. E-mails go unanswered for days or weeks, if they ever get answered at all. My phone runs out of battery before I am willing to even look at it, and the voicemails just keep piling up without ever being heard.

Naturally, I have found myself at a breaking point or two as a result of this unhealthy habit of mine ... That evening in my office where I just had to close the door to make the world go away, or the evening I sat crying by the sink on the floor of a public restroom, or the nights I lay in bed with the tears welling up in my eyes as I pray that the morning will never come, just so that I don't have to put on the mask and face the world again before I'm ready to.

I always knew that shutting down was how I coped, but I couldn't see until now how far away from reality that place really can be. There is a part of me that can see the danger and the red flags in all of this, but that part of me doesn't usually win out. And unfortunately, through all of the abandonment and lack of trust in my short life, I just haven't quite learned anything better.

So I continue on, behind my mask of strength, coping with the negative as best I can despite the flawed methods ... hoping that the sun will soon burn through the clouds and shed the rays of warm sun on my face again.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:20 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Everyone always says 'everything happens for a reason' but it is rare that we ever know what that reason is. I personally find myself asking 'why?' or 'what is this for?' all of the damn time (no, not 'why me?' - that's a whole different question). The biggest things I took from my trip to Cali - despite all of the pain - were answers to two major whys that I have struggled to answer for the last couple of years.

There have been two men in my life that I can honestly say I loved differently than I have loved anyone else to come into my life. One of the common themes between them was the fact that I didn't get along with their mothers. XM2's mother used to judge me, make rude comments, and generally never gave me a chance because of the reality she wished her son were living instead of a life with me. XM3's mother never did anything to indicate she didn't like me, she just behaved badly toward me. She would refuse to talk to me, she would ignore my presence in a room, she pretended that I wasn't real. Both XM2 and XM3 told me I was imagining it all, that I should stop making myself a victim when there was no attack. Naturally it caused conflict, both relationships ended, and I was left not understanding why I had been put in those situations.

Experiencing the pain these women inflicted with their misdeeds and their sons inflicted with their abadonment of my emotions made me see nothing but injustice and well up with anger.

Until now...

Now I see that they were lessons to teach me two things:
1) I do not need the world to work according to plan or for people to behave perfectly. I need those that I love to stand beside me through the painful moments. I need recognition from them that something has gone wrong. I have the strength to bear anything placed upon me, but it is much easier to smile doing it when someone else is there to touch your hand and say, "I know, I see it too."

2) How a person behaves is not always who a person is. I wanted to label XM3's mother as a selfish, rude person but I can't honestly say I believe that she is, at her core, those negative things. I can't even believe that she is malicious. She may be oblivious to how she impacts others, but she is not mean...despite how it felt in the moments I spent with her...

The pain was great, the road was long, but the lessons were learned. And I can finally stop asking myself why I was meant to experience what these women brought into my life.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:48 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Techno music was blarring, so loudly in fact that nothing else worldly could hardly be heard. The loudest sounds were the panicked and angry, silent screams of frustration.
The world moved by slow enough to make out every detail as it passed by. But the world sped by fast enough to make holding on a futile effort.

I sat in the back of the car today as we drove down the freeway, watching everything I called home speed by as something no longer mine. I nearly cried as I simply let go... of the hopes, the dreams, the plans, the everything that I thought I had found here. It isn't my home anymore. It isn't a place of relaxation or safety.

This is a painful memory of what is never to come alive for me ... one that is slowly speeding by ...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:56 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I think I should stop and clarify for a moment ...
When I bitched previously about my mistreatment at the hands of Dad's wife, I did not mean to imply that the mistreatment was in solely my direction. She is mean to my brother, just as deeply, but much more often since he lives in town. I did not mean to imply that this woman had it out for me - she resents and mistreats every decent aspect of my father's life ... not just me...

That being said... we had dinner together tonight - My father, my grandmother, my aunt, my brother, the step family, and me ...

An Italian restaurant, with nothing even remotely known as Italian American on the menu, on Christmas Eve. You couldn't even find meat on the menu hardly. No spaghetti, no lasagna, no chicken parmigiano. And the service was terrible.

The only upside to missing tradition, any sort of family bond, or seasonal atmosphere? Lots and lots of wine

Hope Santa still brings presents to us girls well on our way to being smashed!

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:28 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think I've hit a record here ...

Less than 24 hours in town and already I've been reduced to tears

You see, I've got half the family up in arms because I've decided to put my foot down this year. And in defending myself I ended up in a reddened faced ball of tears, with my Scotch-Irish heritage giving away just how upset I really was as my whole neck turned a blushing, blotchy, bright red too.

For at least six holiday seasons I have had to put up with the ice queen my father married a few years ago. Every time we meet, she is mean. Just plain mean. I am not supposed to talk about it because it makes my dad uncomfortable. I am supposed to be the bigger person and let it go. I am supposed to brush it off and just accept that it is the way she is, it is nothing personal.

Well you know what? It is personal. It is hurtful. It is uncalled for. And I never hear so much as an "it is unfortunate that she treats you this way" out of my father.

I believe I have been patient. I believe I have been tolerant of the time it takes to blend two instant families. I even understand that no amount of will to do so can change another person's thoughts or behaviors. However, that time of leniency has run out and I have decided that there will be no more. I love my father, I want to see him, and I want to spend Christmas with his side of my family, but I refuse to do it at his house and on her turf. Because if my father cannot nuture my discomfort and insult at the hands of his wife, then I will not be willfully wounded on his behalf.

But to the rest of the family, I am just a bitch...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:50 AM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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I burst into tears watching TV last night ... again ... not out of saddness but out of that "I've-totally-been-there" connection. The character was crying, so I was crying. Grey's Anatomy does it to me almost every time I remember to watch. The scene...

Alex: "Why are you here helping me after what I did?" [he cheated on her]

Izzy: "Because... it's what JESUS WOULD FREAKIN' DO!"

Nearly every one of my exes has asked me that question in some form or another and my answer was always "because it's what I do." I can't say I do it because it is what Jesus would do, mostly because religion and faith are still a huge jumble of confusion in my head, but it's the same idea. They lie, they cheat, they screw me over and, even in my anger, I'm there to help them when they really need it...because that's what good people do. Because I can't sit by and let someone fail when I know I can keep them from failing. Because in the end, my pain is temporary and being able to look myself in the mirror every morning is for good. Because maybe, just maybe, if I keep putting little bits of good into the world, they willl add up and someday it won't be such a painful thing to get through.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 07:04 AM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Yeah, um...move over Stimpy...

I broke up with my boyfriend in October and we've been trying to do the whole friends thing. It's been a little turbulent at times, but we're trying...

We had a bit of a tiff this morning so I spent a good portion of the day e-mailing a different ex, good friend of mine, getting his view on things. Which was all good until I was an idiot...

I swear all I did was hit reply...

My last email to the ex-ex with a nasty note about the ex, somehow went to the ex instead...

Damn them for having the same name!

Hi, My name is Princess Cat and I am an IDIOT!

*head* *hit* *desk*

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:54 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
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1 Smooth. I never attempted the friends thing, no desire for the drama. Plus most of my ex's were nuts anyways.

Posted by: the Pirate at December 08, 2005 05:36 PM (0ZKi5)

2 That there is something like a Freudian slip. It needed to be done so you could cut the ties with your ex. Maybe you sub-conciously did it on purpose. The cat's out of the bag now. Let the chips fall where they may and move on. You're young. Life is too short to be sweating over the small stuff.

Posted by: assrot at December 08, 2005 07:19 PM (ARCEn)

3 Another thought. That guy let a fine babe like you get away. I'd say he's the IDIOT. :-)

Posted by: assrot at December 08, 2005 07:20 PM (ARCEn)

4 ouch... I bety that will leave a mark, the e-mail, not the desk....

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at December 08, 2005 08:29 PM (IL4IH)

5 I'm friends with most of my ex's. It can work. Just know when it is time to cut the losses and keep on movin'. sooooooo.... hear tell... you're single again, huh?.... (I swear that's not my voice on the outgoing message)

Posted by: RSM at December 08, 2005 09:58 PM (KLCgV)

6 I had wondered if y'all broke up. I never saw anything stating it outright, but I guess I missed it. Yeah and I can't remain friends with ex's...but that could be because I'm the one who broke up with them...

Posted by: Dorothy at December 09, 2005 06:46 AM (8gPTf)

7 Are we allowed to point and laugh now, or is there an appropriate period of "mourning" first?

Posted by: Ogre at December 09, 2005 07:30 AM (/k+l4)

8 Haha: assrot said 'the cat's out of the bag now.' And you're Cat... and you let it slip... Well, it's funnier in my mind than when I write it here.

Posted by: Telebush at December 09, 2005 08:35 AM (6RfLk)

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The funny thing about them is, if you aren't looking for them... you just might not see them coming up as you slide yourself along that wall you are using to keep yourself upright as you struggle to escape where you came from...

But let me tell you, when you get flung around that corner you didn't see coming, it can smart the elbow or the toes pretty good.

Tonight, I myself banged up a couple toes ... despite the fact that I've been looking for that corner for a year or so ... that sucker just came out of nowhere! It feels good to be on this side of the wall for a change. I found couple of little pieces of me that have been hiding around this corner too. I didn't know where in the maze of life they got lost but I'm hoping they stick around for a while.

At the end of the night, banged up or not, I've turned a corner... and most people would call that progress. I'm gonna run with it.

(Why am I starting to feel like Tammi's silver lining fairy stopped by for a visit?)

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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1 Because she did. Tough journey...those corners kick my ass everytime. But congrats. It's all good in the long run.

Posted by: Tammi at December 05, 2005 07:59 AM (fG4Jz)

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I threw our rings into a box
Filled with broken memories and fools gold
And I woke up again last night in this lonely bed without you to hold
And I walked around the house pullin' pictures off the walls
Just like I've done a hundred times before
Makin sure I've got 'em all

Chorus
Makin sure I've got the hard to find
Little things that make me think about you
'Cause I'm tired if this house always breakin' me down, feelin blue
No there's nothing left to say
I'm puttin' memories away

Well, yesterday I found your dress
I guess there's some things I missed in our room
But it didn't break me down the second that I found it like it used to
With red wine and tears I've been gatherin' all the years we spent together
I need to move on
'Cause I know you're gone forever

Repeat Chorus

No there's nothing left to say
I'm puttin' memories away

-- Gary Allan

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:29 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Remember the guy that owes me money from when I bailed him out and my dad had the car fixed that he wrecked? I'm guessing he's needing some new panties right about now.

Dad was in NY on business and paid this guy a little surprise visit. I bet someone from Cali wasn't who he expected to walk into his office that day - and I bet he sure as hell didn't think it would ever be my dad.

From what I hear the guy just started stammering. With two other people in the office Dad asked him to step outside. They spoke briefly on the front sidewalk where Dad was nice and tried to project a sense of understanding. I don't care what was actually said, his coworkers had to know something was up and that it wasn't good. Who knows how he explained it away to them.

What I know for sure is that this guy knows he can't hide anymore and that we are willing to seek him out at random. Hopefully that is enough pressure to get things moving again. If not, I'm sure there are several other people that would love to get involved. It'll take him a while to get the stain out of his panties after that shit session, I'm sure. Better go buy a couple extra pair, son.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:52 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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I just spent nearly the last 2 hrs trying to get a poor girl home from the airport. She's a friend of a friend and she had no one else to call. I couldn't do anything more than look up prices for a taxi or a shuttle and repeatedly call her ride. I felt horrible that I couldn't hop in a car and go pick her up myself.

Before she left CA she called to remind him to pick her up. At 10:30p he set off for a nap before picking her up. Too bad he never woke up. Not even after an hour and a half of repetitive phone calls, texts, and voicemails...

There is was 11:15p when her plane landed. Single girl. Late night. She'd just flown from LAX to DC after having a car accident. Her injured neck was stiff and killing her from the flight. And she'd never flown into this airport without having a ride pick her up.

By 12:45 she gave up, asked me to call and leave a message that she wasn't waiting any longer, and took a shuttle home. Unfortunately her trip home will be about another hour as she does not live close to the airport.

Neck injury + 5 hr flight + 1.5 hr wait + 1 hr shuttle = DOGHOUSE

Good thing these two aren't dating or that would be one massive fight. Bet you she won't be asking him for any favors any time soon...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:12 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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Ladies and Gentlemen, we appear to be experiencing a little turbulance at the moment. The Captain has turned on the seatbelt sign so please return to your seat and secure your seatbelt low and tight across your lap. The Captain will turn off the seatbelt sign when it is again safe to move about the cabin.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 11:26 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Have you ever pissed someone off so much that they took the effort to photoshop you (or something that reminds them of you) out of a picture?

Apparently I have.

I recently discovered, quite by accident, that a necklace I gave to someone has been removed from a photo of her posted online.

Damn, that's some serious dedication to being pissed off.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 09:35 AM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Today served me with a very helpful reminder...
Some people just can't seem to get their head out of their ass.
No matter how nicely you ask, how patient you are or how long you wait, they continue to prefer the stench of their own shit to the fresh air of reality.

When did the world get so full of arrogant, selfish, short sighted, self serving, ignorant pricks that you couldn't sneeze without hitting one?

Some days it just makes me so angry that I can't even blog...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 06:39 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I simply cannot bear to blog today. Personal trauma aside, the torture that the UK is feeling following the attacks in London weighs heavily on my heart.

Please go visit those from the UK or those with friends and family and be their support right now. Eric has linked several places you can go to keep up.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:04 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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The path you choose is not mine to judge but I can't help but do so. Your life and your decisions do not affect me but still I am affected in my reactions to them.

I don't know if I should take pride in knowing I was right or be disappointed that things really aren't that different...

You are bad at relationships and you have been unsure if you are ready for one...so dating your roommate seemed like the right place to test it out? How the hell did that make sense in your head? No escape to your own house when things get tough. No space to call your own that she doesn't have claim to first. You always know where she is and she will always know where you are. The commitment-phobe has placed himself in the most committed relationship of his life...there is no escape from it but to move. At this rate, have you proposed yet?

I have no right to be angry but still I am. I'm not jealous, I feel as if I have been deceived. All this time I have heard how much you have changed - evidence would indicate otherwise. I have heard you say the words, "you were right, I should have listened" but still you don't.

I have always thought better of you than what you could live up to. Perhaps it is I that need make less foolish decisions...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:12 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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If there is one thing I am terrible at, it is hiding the way I feel. I wear my emotions across my face all of the time, even when I don't realize it. I guess I'm pretty transparent that way...especially in the last few weeks. I have had people come up to me and ask me what is wrong or strangers give me the 'you look so sad' face. The main reason would be my difficulties with Agent Smith. Someone I considered to be one of my closest friends. And now, someone who has turned away from that bond. She used to read this blog but I'm not sure if she still will. I'm not writing to try to instigate anything with her; I just don't know what to do with it anymore. Hopefully she will understand that if she reads this, but I'm not holding my breath...

Disclaimer: If what you are about to read seems petty to you, that's because it is... But that doesn't make it suck any less ...and in my mind, that makes it suck even more.

Agent Smith was a friend that I would do anything for. We had a lot of common interests and we enjoyed each other's company. I did everything I could to help her out. From using whatever connections I had to help her sick father to staying up all night at a diner with her, just so she had moral support to do work she wasn't motivated to do. I gave her any notes I had from previous courses, copies of papers I had received good marks on, and edited paper after paper under the slimmest of deadlines. I wanted to see her succeed so I gave her what I could. We had a lot of good times together around town and a lot of experiences we'll never share with anyone else.

Then I moved away to grad school... Things have never been the same...
I have changed on the East Coast for a number of reasons. First, I'm not happy. Second, grad school isn't the same as undergrad. Third, I have to care a lot more about my future than I did then. Fourth, life has a lot more pressure to it these days than it did when I could gallivant about San Diego with hardly a care in the world. It has not changed who I am at the core. It has only changed the amount of time I have to spend laughing and joking around. I still want to play; I just now have to budget for that differently than I did before. She does not understand this about me and I do not understand her at this point in her life.

We never fought when I lived down the block. Since I've moved we've fought times. This time was too much for her, it seems. The sad part is that the fight always starts over something that should never come between two friends - a guy. We weren't even fighting over the same guy. Our fights revolve around my choice in men. This last fight though was about the way she was treating the man she is dating. I felt that she was behaving badly towards him and she was shocked that I dare question their relationship based on that behavior. Things just got worse from there...

I planned a trip back to San Diego for her graduation. Knowing she would be busy with family in town, I got a hotel close to her apartment and a car large enough to transport 5-6 people to make things easier on everyone. About a week after a fight, I got a message from her boyfriend saying he would be staying in my hotel with me. It was news to me since no one had ever run that past me before, nor had anyone offered to chip in. He said he would talk to her about it and I didn't hear another word on the subject...until I brought it up with her over two weeks later. Three weeks had gone by since she had laughed in my face about things and told me she was over it. She was still pissed and ripped into me for wanting an apology that the hotel misunderstanding was not resolved. Of course, another fight ensued.

Just over 24hrs before I was supposed to fly out for her graduation she e-mailed me (at 5am ET) saying she didn't want to see me while I was in town. We exchanged a few emails before I left but she didn't see me while I was there. There was no apology for the considerable sum of extra money I laid out in order to accommodate her graduation schedule. I flew in a day early, stayed extra days, spent more on a hotel and car than necessary, but I don't think she even realizes it. There was no communication while I was in town other than a text message to my phone at 10:40 the night before I left saying she hoped I had a good time and a safe flight home. I haven't responded because I was sick with anger over the message. I was shocked at how flippant she continues to be and how easily she can just close the door on what we shared.

She feels in her gut that ending our friendship is the right thing for her to do. I can't change that in her. I have asked her to see my side of the story and she won't budge. She believes she is right and capable of seeing the truth for what it is, not what I say it is. She is angry and I'm not who she wants me to be anymore. Under those circumstances, she has no place for me in her life.

I feel like all I can do at this point is wave goodbye. No amount of explaining will undo what she feels is done. I will miss her. She was someone I thought would be there for me through anything.

So ... if you see me and want to know why I am so sad ... it is because Agent Smith has made up her mind and has no qualms about following through.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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