I gently waved in my heart, full with sadness, to the nasty yellow buildings of MCRD as the plane took off today... I had to leave home yet again.

I went to sleep to ignore the ache...

Once I woke up I tried reading, I tried listening to CDs, but all I could think of was how empty I felt. The pillowy, cotton-like clouds playing peek-a-boo with the farmland were a slight calming force though.

The delicate and intricate ice crystals crept up the window and I knew my heaven of isolation would be over soon...they signified my suspended life would coming back soon... once the floating stopped and the people disappeared.

We sank to land like a rock, quick and without regard for what went past. An eerie orange and yellow halo hung around the shadow of the plane as we descended to the cloud level. Our shadow grew larger and the halo more frightening as we banked left. Through the clouds... the magnificent ice melting... a dingy haze hanging in the air... grass the color of bile... a humid fog crowding the window...

Not a single tear fell but my heart broke with the wheels on the runway. I have returned to where I reside and left home behind yet again...

I don't know when I will go home again...
But I saw within myself answers that cannot be unlearned...
I've returned to a shattered semblance of what life used to be...
The nightmares have already started to come back...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:01 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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I miss you already...

Girl, your bags are packed
And you ain't coming back is written on them
Take these memories with you
They're just sad and they're blue and I don't want them
Oh, you're not so sure that you're in love anymore
And I ain't gonna beg you to stay
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

I hold a tender place in my heart for you and you know it
I've never said it out loud
Guess I was way too proud to ever show it
We always thought some night that we might get it right
But that ain't going to happen today
Ain't it just like you to leave
Ain't it just like me to let you walk away

--Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:22 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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ItÂ’s the middle of the night, I have an assignment due in 12 hrs, I'm incapable of work, and I'm still awake...Lost...

Several cigarettes and many more tears later...I'm still lost...

Since moving across the country to DC I've found myself with only 3 basic people I held dear and could not live without. In recent months I have lost 2 of them, to a degree. I have been met with distrust, betrayal, and harsh words from them both leaving me in shock that people I loved could wound me so deeply and without remorse. I couldn't tell you with a straight face that I still love them because I have built so many walls in reaction to them. I have been disappointed when they didn't meet expectations I had thought they were far above. I don't know how to come back from the distances we've grown apart or how to ignore the scars that will take time to heal.

The third and only real friend left is a quiet, good natured girl back in CA that is terribly unwilling to impose, just struggling to make ends meet while she worries about her man on his 4th tour since 9/11 and tries desperately to keep a mentally disturbed ex afloat without hurting herself. Naturally, she and I don't get as much time as either of us would like.

I have retreated into a cocoon of safety where no one can get close. My friends have become bloggers that I have grasped so tightly to that they probably think me insane. I'm pretty sure reading this you know who you are and I thank you for all your kindness. It has meant more than you will ever understand in the past months.

It feels wrong to walk away but I want something more for my life. Someone once said to me, "you have the whole rest of the world to be mean to, why me?" And I can't help but feel that way now about these two... Perhaps I would know how to heal if there were simple, sincere, apologetic words for the pain that has been exchanged were to be said... instead I have gotten flat expressions of the right thing to say... and somehow I stay...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:25 AM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
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1 Oh dear, you sound quite down about your relationships. I understand completely though. My husband just asked me the other day if I thought it was possible to have true friendships as an adult. Children are so much more forgiving than adults. I thought about it and I really have no one that I would truly run to in an emotional crisis - they've all gone their ways and left me behind. Perhaps I did the same to them. But, I did have an issue a few weeks ago and I sent a flurry of emails back and forth to some extremely supportive blogger friends. So I also understand what you're saying there! I'm closer to some of them than anyone right around me, outside of immediate family.

Posted by: Idgie at June 02, 2005 08:51 AM (WLM8z)

2 ... sometimes bloggers see sides of people that your friends don't.... writing thoughts and words down shows things we often can't verbalize... it's no wonder that bloggers are such a tightly knit group... ... hang in there, Cat... if there is anything that I can do, just give me a yell...

Posted by: Eric at June 02, 2005 10:36 AM (YlwMq)

3 Hey you, stop procrastinating and get back to writing that assignment. Where'd you put that boot for swift-kicking? And hey, it sounds silly, and you probably don't want to hear it, but when things get really down, there's nowhere to go but up! Come on up!!

Posted by: Ogre at June 02, 2005 11:05 AM (/k+l4)

4 ONE GREAT FRIEND is worth 15 "ok "friends, I promise.

Posted by: ArmyWifeToddlerMom at June 02, 2005 01:00 PM (Jqysp)

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I have always known that nothing is as we see it to be... our reality our own, made my the way we choose to see the world. But on some level I believe there are competing realities, some more real than others. Part of what brings people together is sharing a concept of reality...

...I no longer have this comfort...

My reality states that I am a strong and kind hearted individual. The reality of the two people closest to me believes differently.

To one, I am a weak individual - far weaker than she - because I am motivated to grow and change by others in my life. She honestly believes it with her whole hearted self. To her, unwillingness/inability to be entirely self-sufficient is weak. I know what I have been through in my life. I know I have not broken. I know I am strong. My struggle and disappointment has not altered what I believe to be right and wrong. I have not compromised the values I hold dear at my deepest core. I have had the strength to carry on and never be taken off track.

I do not care that she feels her character is stronger than mine. I know myself more intimately than she could fathom she does. I am hurt that she would think such a thing for so long and attack the ways I have helped people (to include her) because they aren't always in my best interest. I am disappointed that my reality is so very different from the reality of someone I held close to me.

To another, I am not a good person any longer. He took the statement back (this time) but it has been said many times over...his reality believes it is true. I will not sit by and let people I care about continue down a path of self destruction or negative behavior when I know that they are capable of more. Apparently this concern is wrong and the expectation of more just too much. I know that I am a good person. I see that his reality is different and I can't fault him for that. He cannot see into my heart where there is no ill will toward anyone - not even those who have done me wrong. All I ever want is fairness. To seek revenge would be to let the offending party have too much of my energy. Call it karma, call it life, call it whatever...those who do wrong will face what they are meant to...it is not my place to make them face it. I can look myself in the mirror and my reality says I am a good person, regardless of what anyone else's says. I just wish I hadn't believed that he saw it my way because the disappointment over being wrong just cuts like a knife...

Can't you stop the lies falling from the skies?
Down on me, I'm still standing.
Can't you roll the dice, I might be surprised,
conscience clear, I'm still standing here.
--Still Standing, The Rasmus

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:18 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I think the world needs a drink / I think enoughs enough / She's been spinnin around so long / I'd say She's pretty wound up / Let's all calm down sit back relax / Tear up the contracts and save the ink / Yeah I think the world needs a drink

--I Think the World Needs A Drink, Terri Clark

I second the motion, with a big HELL YEAH! So do I...

Pardon me while I try to sleep off my moment of panic.

UPDATE:
Moment of panic complete. Please return to your normally scheduled lives.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:00 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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As much as I wanted to keep my personal life off of this blog, I have no where else left to turn. I've been backed into a corner and just can't find peace.

I'm so tired of the advice...
I don't think I can take one more person piping up with what they think my best course of action would be. There are no perfect answers and calling the shots from the sidelines certainly isn't going to yield one. So please, no more comments about what I should do or when...

I am a good person...
I was nothing but nice...
I never said choose...
I offered my heart...

In exchange...

I've been unappreciated...
I've been accused...
I've been ignored...
I've been blamed...
I've been doubted...
I've been snubbed...

I have been betrayed.

I have become a cold, hard, bitch...
And I don't know how to back down...

I did nothing wrong...
I was a kind hearted girl...

So naive...

My deeds did not go unpunished...
The demons returned to torment...
And peace has slipped farther away...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:54 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I hate who I've become...
Trying so hard to find happiness in the little things, just so I'm not so bitter for a few moments out of my day...
My eyes used to sparkle...
I feel abandoned and let down, by my own decisions...
There is so much pain in the world, larger than mine, but I see only my own...
Thinking of myself feels so selfish, the guilt weighs on me...
My content here sux and I'm not inspired to write...
The semester is ending, so many unknowns, my course uncharted...
People are falling around me, and I am powerless to help...
I don't see the glass half empty anymore...
It has fallen and smashed on the ground...

Here I am, once again / I'm torn into pieces / Can't deny it, can't pretend / ... / Broken up, deep inside / But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:03 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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Someday theyÂ’ll find your small town world on a big town avenue / Gonna make you like the way they talk when theyÂ’re talking to you / Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to / Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth / TheyÂ’ll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say / TheyÂ’re gonna break your heart, yeah

From what IÂ’ve seen / YouÂ’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no oneÂ’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

Somebody ought to take you in / Try to make you love again / Try to make you like the way they feel / When theyÂ’re under your skin / Never once did you think theyÂ’d lie when theyÂ’re holding you / You wonder why they havenÂ’t called / When they said theyÂ’d call you / You start to wonder if youÂ’re ever gonna make it by / YouÂ’ll start to think you were born blind

From what IÂ’ve seen / YouÂ’re just a one more hand me down / Cause no oneÂ’s tried to give you what you need / ... /

--Matchbox Twenty

The rest of the song just didn't quite feel applicable in my current state of confusion. Yes, I've had a little wine...sue me...

Posted by: Princess Cat at 01:15 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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"Every time I've ever believed in a happy ending I've gotten severely fucked." --Brenda, Six Feet Under

Today is no different...

*head* *hit* *desk*

Posted by: Princess Cat at 02:57 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Sometimes people just can't be bothered to see the big picture. Understanding the impact of their actions on someone else is apparently just too hard. So, in light of the fact that the number of people who can't see past their own lives seems to be growing at a staggeringly exponential rate - I would love to end so many conversations these days by just playing this song:

Them:
So.

Me:
So? I'm sorry, SO?
So, so long, bye bye baby
I'll catch you on the flipside, maybe
Dontcha slip slide on a tear when you find me gone.
Go go on cry cry baby
Those tears are gonna drip dry maybe
But you're gonna miss my good love baby
for so so long
So, so long...

I bet you think I'm gonna let it slide
the way you're flashin me those puppydog eyes
Right? yeah right. Right?
WRONG.

So, so long, bye bye baby
I'll catch you on the flipside, maybe
Dontcha slip slide on a tear when you find me gone.
Go go on cry cry baby
Those tears are gonna drip dry maybe
But you're gonna miss my good love baby
for so so long
So, so long...

--Dierks Bently

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:07 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Yet another difference between men and women...

To men, emotions can be WRONG.
To women, emotions are never WRONG.

From where I sit, emotions will never be wrong. They can't be wrong. There is no fundamental basis for emotions to be wrong or right. You can't control your feelings.

You can control how you deal with emotions. You can control your behavior in conjunction with those emotions. These things can be right or wrong. They are cognitive decisions that a person should be held responsible for.

Emotions are something to be recognized and understood. Their existence must be validated. Their source should be sought. Any root cause should be dealt with.

People go through a lot through their lives, some more than others, and we have to find a way to process it all. Our personal, internal response to those experiences is what makes us who we are. Those emotions cannot be wrong, only how we express them.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 03:52 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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They say that girls want to date men that are like their fathers. I don't know how true the general statement is as a whole but for me, I couldn't agree more. Growing up my father was my best friend. He made mistakes along the way in his marriage to my mom but when it came to me, I thought he was a god.

Dad raised me with a sense of right and wrong that I believed in. I didn't just follow the rules because he said so. I understood them and their purpose. He cared about my understanding of why things were the way things were supposed to be.
He always had time to listen to my stories or look at what I had done at school that day. It was harder to show him things when he was on the road but he still had time to listen on the phone. It wasn't so that he could be proud of me either. It was because he knew how much it meant to be to have him pay attention to me and think I was important. That time together taught me out to be proud of myself, for me.
No matter how hard I tried to hide it, he always knew when I had a bad day. Even when I was pissy and brushed him off, he persisted and he would always take me for a drive to get away from things and talk it out. We wouldn't come home until we had talked long enough to make things feel better.
He did what he could to make me one of the cool kids. He would take my friends and me out for ice cream of just drive us around in his sports car so that we felt grown up and cool.
He would always take the time to help me with school work. Even after I started studying things that weren't in his field he did his best. If I had a hard paper in college he would go to the bookstore and find a book he thought would help and overnight it to me. Most of the time the books weren't that helpful, but knowing he wanted to help that much was important.
When we moved and I had to start a new school I was unbelievably upset. The first day of school when they called the parents into an orientation of their own, my dad pulled a chair aside and cried at how much his decision to take a new job was hurting me. We all knew it was the right decision in the long run but it killed him to see me so upset in the process.
He paid attention to the little things and the details. He knew how simple things could change a person's day, including a kid's. Getting to ride on the tractor or go see the new Deere. Going to the produce stand for a snack. The reward of a Saturday morning donut at the local shop for a job well done on the paper route. Never big things. Never enough to spoil us. Just enough that I knew I was never far from his mind and that my happiness meant more to him than anything money could buy.

He's not quite the man he used to be but that was my daddy. I was lucky to be raised by such a kind and thoughtful man. I'd be the luckiest girl on the planet to find someone like that again.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 05:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Ok readers...I have a dilemma...

I love my blog. Playing with the blog. Writing in the blog. Reading other blogs. I love bloggy stuff.

Naturally I want to include people I care about in that part of my life and I want their opinion on things. Hell, I want their approval on it. Not in the way that I need them to ok everything I do but I need them to be supportive of what I am doing. Suggestions on how to improve are good too. Things are always more fun when your friends enjoy them too and want to see you be the best at them.

However, I am finding myself with the urge to make swiss cheese of my life and exclude those I care about from my bloggy lovin ways. It is hard for me to share things that are important so I am ultra sensitive about them. Telling me in any way that I'm not good enough doesn't sit well. And when I get burned I don't just yank my hand away, I run screaming from the stove.

What to do... what to do...

It feels so empty not being able to talk about my loves but it sux so much when we do...

Is the swiss cheese life sustainable?

Posted by: Princess Cat at 12:13 AM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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What is it with people that want what they can't have? I'm referring more specifically to people that want what they had, but they really want it only after they have thrown it away. Is this simply the embodiment of the cliché, "you don't know what you've got until it’s gone"? I really want to be a bitch about it since these lyrics are in my head:
You know you tore me up / You really wore me out / I swear I cried so much / That I nearly drowned / ... / Now its you who calls / And me who's never home / / Who's cryin now? / Knowin itÂ’s too late / To get us back together / ... / Who's cryin now? / Who's lonely? / Now who's sad?
But instead the majority of the time I react much differently and with a lot more anger. I end up feeling things like:
If I'm so important now, why the hell didn't you care then?
If you've always thought I was so great, why the hell did you feel so comfortable using me the way you did?
If you've always liked who I am, why the hell did you make such a fool of me?
If all you can give me are excuses for the past, how the hell do you expect me to see anything new?
But then again...I guess that's a pretty bitchy attitude as well...

I knew what I was leaving behind when I left San Diego and went to grad school. I hated leaving and I did so kicking and screaming the entire way. But I felt compelled to do so if I was serious about my career path. Unfortunately the grad school experience has done nothing but repeatedly let me down and makes me question my ability to ever make a difference in this field.

Living on the East Coast has once again changed my personality from the Princess most people in my life know (and love, I hope). This is the third time I've parked myself over here and I have just never been able to call it home. It takes a special person to be able to call both coasts home and that just isn't me. The lifestyles are very different and they are very distinct. I miss the one I had in the West where it was easy to smile and my eyes sparkled when I did. Out here I can smile but itÂ’s just not the same. Put a picture of me from SD next to a picture of me here and they look more like sisters than the same person.

I'm not just pitying myself for the past, or being homesick...I'm Me-sick these days. I want the old me back - the one that hardly needed sleep, always found the fun in things, and loved living life, even on the bad days.

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:01 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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These lyrical excerpts felt particularly appropriate today:

One more kiss could be the best thing / But one more lie could be the worst / And all these thoughts are never resting / And you're not something I deserve

I dream ahead to what I hope for / And I turn my back on loving you / How can this love be a good thing / When I know what I'm goin through

And no matter how hard I try / I can't escape these things inside I know

You love me but you donÂ’t know who I am / I'm torn between this life I lead and where I stand

-- 3 Doors Down, "Let Me Go"

Posted by: Princess Cat at 04:32 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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